what to do.

[champloo]

what to do?

its time for another question, with some story infront of it.

ok. ive been going out with this girl off and on for about a year. we go out for like a month, something magically goes wrong (say i do something that annoys her) and she breaks up with me. i dont get it.

i used to be a very immature kid. im not going to mention how, just assume i acted like a 5 year old half the time.

ive progressed from that, and now i act like a mature young adult, rather than a raging monkey. even still, i sometimes will act a little immature, but never for too long. but of course, no one is perfect and everyone acts a little off the wall now and then.

anyway, after a month or so, she ends up getting mad at something, or something NOT related to our relationship (such as her friend's mother passing away) always makes her "want to be friends"

and here is what i dont get.

she tells me that she thinks we are CLOSER when we arent going out. i dont understand that.

she also compares being friends to going out, but she says the difference is we arent "making out" or anything. i also dont understand that statement.

and see, heres what i feel about "friends". whenever i am with her, but i cant show her the affection i want to, and when we are friends i hear her talk of guys that never say a word to her anymore, and when we sit together but i know i cant affectionately touch her, it kills me. it really does.

its like puting a toddler infront of a new toy but then telling them they cant play with it.

and so when she said "id rather be friends" i told her i kinda dont. because i dont, since it kills me when we are. i ask her the usual question, "so is there ever going to be "you and me" again? and she replies "maybe."

thats another thing. its like she cant make her mind up.

and well, she got one of those half-angry-going-to-slam-the-phone-down voices, and asked me if id rather not be friends.

so, i say "sorta."

heres another thing. when i talk to people, and they ask my opinion, i sometimes give reasons why.

and i was ABOUT to tell her why (basically what i said above about the "tearing me apart" and stuff.) but she goes and says "well i guess we wont be friends"

but theres another thing. i have heard that 5 times before, and everytime there is a week of school of no looking,touching, communication, etc. between us. and then sometimes theres the "hey [my name], [her name] says she doesnt want to see you again."

(her friends will tell me this for her.) but then, 3 days later, she is all in my face wanting to go back out.

im sooo confused, and i need serious help.

i really love this girl, and i cant get her out of my mind.

but what do i do?

[Newtolove]

ditch her - is making a fool of you mesa thinks

[demonbuttercup]

She's a teenager... immature.. plain and simple

[champloo]

so thats 2 for ditching her?

maybe 3?

thanks for your input new/demon.

but dont forget, im a teen too

[ChrisB]

I can see what she means by the closer as friends statement. Maybe you both, or just her, or she feels like you, don't talk about/do things that you would as friends, and she doesn't like that. Maybe you hold back on some things because you don't want it to come between you, or maybe she does and it's bothering her. Sometimes people need to be held, and not kissed, and it can way more intimate if done right.

I don't know enough about your situation, but maybe you need to step back sometimes and go into friend rather than boyfriend mode. I know it's something that I have to do everyonce in a while. Being more than friends comes with more expectations, and sometimes the old ones can get lost in the shuffle. Maybe those expectations aren't being met, or the new ones are bothering her too much for her to handle. So if you do try and get back together, keep that in mind.

Even so, from the sounds of your situation, you'd both be better off just leaving it behind you, and working on getting over it. She seems a bit too unstable to be able to put up with what you want.

[champloo]

alright.

thank you for your input.

3 for ditching.

although, its going to be very hard for me to do this. she has basically been my life up until now.

funny, she always asks me why i love her, or why i would love someone like her. i always tried to find a way i could verbally show her, but its too hard, except for saying 'i love you', which never worked because she would then reply with something like 'no you dont' and then she would tell me that i cant love her.

[dancingdoc2]

> she tells me that she thinks we are CLOSER when we arent going out. i dont understand that.

> she also compares being friends to going out, but she says the difference is we arent "making out" or anything. i also dont understand that statement.


Such drama and emotional turmoil. There is a cure if you are willing to change "religions". It is a cruel trick that Mother Nature prepares the body for reproduction long before she prepares the mind to handle the emotions and the responsibilities. Champ, you appear to be a very intelligent young man so what I am about to suggest is a life changing experience that I hope you can appreciate. Simply put: Date casually and do not enter into any exclusive one-on-one relationships until you and the girls you would date have a chance to mature (mentally) a few more years. If you don't want the drama and the turmoil and the stress of one or more break-ups, then the answer is clear.

Wait until at least nineteen or twenty before dating exclusively. By then your brain and those of the female gender will have had time to catch up to the physical maturity.

At fourteen, you and your friends should be doing things in groups. If you were my child you would be encouraged to socialize with other kids but would not be permitted to date (any) one person exclusively--and, most certainly not to have sex! As intelligent as you are, you are simply not yet mature enough in other ways (read: life experiences) to handle emotional entanglements, to predict the consequences of your actions, to make good decisions based upon coping skills honed from past experiences.

The above is most certainly not a put down of you or other kids; rather, to point out that the teenage years are a decade long and a time of transmutation. Our bodies are prepared for procreation and for love during the first third, however, the emotional maturity develops and the skills necessary to prepare us for autonomy continue to develop over the remainder of this time. I merely wish to point out to you and other kids reading this that while the hormones rule, they do not do so with intelligence, only raw instinct. Your responsibility is to understand this and to allow yourself time to acquire the required maturity that defines character, and the ability to see around corners, to accumulate life experiences for later comparison, and to become emotionally stable.

Your girlfriend's behavior and attitude is typical and shows that she is acquiring more knowledge and trying new ideas and concepts to see how they "fit". You and every other teen are in fact doing the same thing. As you acquire more knowledge, experiences, and are exposed to different people and attitudes, goals, personalities, and characters, you will find these experiences shaping the very essence of who you will become. This is a dynamic process and as we experience these things our attitudes and preferences and goals change daily, weekly, or over a period of months. The person you begin dating in January may be a very different individual in May, and during this decade this is to be expected. My answer is to encourage all of you to date as many people as you can in order to learn as much about what humanity has to offer as possible, so when the time comes to choose someone to date exclusively, you will be able to make better choices. The other benefit of dating lots of people and none exclusively is that you eliminate all the drama of emotional entanglements and expectations that are often in a state of flux. You will also avoid the sexually based stresses that distrupt your emotional wellbeing.

I'm not suggesting that you and a date don't fool around; just put a reasonable limit on how far you will go. Save the grown up activities and their responsibilities for when you are a well rounded mature autonomous adult at the other end of your teenage development years. One of your first responsibilities is to intelligently rule the hormones and not let the urges take you in directions and into situations you are not yet prepared to handle. Do these things and your involvement with others will be more pleasant and your life in general will be less stressful.

[Sweetness12]

I do this when i just want a guy to basically tag with me. i had a b/f for almost 2 yrs. I broke up with him and i played with his mind and used him as a backup, so if i couldnt get anyone else....a just-in-caser if you will... Get rid of her.. take it from someone who does this kind of thing...

[finewine]

Dancing Dog and sweetness12 have good advice.

Conversely it maybe that you are afraid that someone won't want you and so you are hanging on to her and thinking that this is what love is.
Find out about yourself and who you are and choose to be before complicating your life with girl.

The only thing I can add to it is to make sure to not just cut it off without any explanation to her as to why you feel you should change the relationship.

[WallyLlama]

Golly, are we voting? LOL Now there's an interesting approach to relationships...

There's a lot to learn about relationships... and one way you learn about them is to be in them. One of the harder lessons about relationships is that people rarely do things or become the person you want them to. This girl is 14 (I assume - or if not somewhere there abouts) and she's going to do and be what most 14 year olds choose to do and be.

There's a lot to be said for being 14. One thing you might do is try it. You are placing a high value on maturity as you define it and there's nothing wrong with that. But be prepared, because you are going to go through life discovering that the older you get the more lack of maturity you'll see, even among people who should "know better."

But conversely... one of the things that gives older (more mature) folks a lot of trouble is that they forget how to play and laugh and run in the rain. Being an adult is "serious stuff" and there's no more time to play. Funny, really - we spend so much time and energy learning to grow up and then we have to learn how to play again.

I happen to think that an adult is often just an obsolete child.

Don't be obsolete.