Lack of sex in a relationship.

[spork457]

Hi Im not to sure how to post this since this seems to be a bit of a reverse to the usual issue.

I am 19 and have been dating this girl for nearly a year now, she is 18. This has never been a problem before but in the past 3 months this has been a growing problem. The problem is that I am a very sexualy involved person, not a sexually obsessed one mind you, and i do not want soley sex in a relationship. We have not had actual sex due to the fact that she is a virgin and is very terrified by that and i have been extremly understanding, but this is niether here nor there. However what is the issue is that i "take care" of her needs rather often and she wants this and doesnt complain, however in the past month and a half she has only grudgingly 'taken care' of me once. Now when i say this i stress that as soon as she is 'done' her complete interest in sex completly stops and I am left blue balled.

Now my real question is how do i tactfully confront her with this issue, because at first i thought this was a passing fancy and would go away so i didnt say anything but now it is starting to drive me crazy. I just feel if i were to confront her about this i dont want her to think all i want in this relationship is sexual gratification, however i feel that a relationship should be give and take and i have no idea how to do this tactfully without seeming top be the bad guy.

[wifey]

it's a tricky one, as you said you don't want to offend anyone. i guess it depends on how you talk or whether you talk at all about your relationship. the fact that you have been dating for nearly a year indicates to me that your relationship is kind of serious.

from my personal experience, when my boyfriend and i started getting serious we stopped having sex altogether for about a month and a half.

sex takes an important role in a relationship but sometimes sexual attraction can be mistaken for a serious feeling towards someone. so we decided that the only way for us to see how serious our feelings were towards one another and to reevaluate how much we actually had in common was to start all over again and take sex out of equasion. we went on dinner dates, cinema, long walks on the beach, sunday breakfasts, besically spent as little time as possible indoors caddling and being intimate. that months and a half gave us a prove that we were not together just for sex.

well before i write an autobiography here ...my point is that if she is not keen to please you may be it's best for you guys to take a break from "taking care" of each others needs altogether and see where you are heading as a couple instead.

i know that you might not be too happy about that because you already feel neglected, but a break might be just the thing to put things into prospective for the two of you. i don't want to put any ideas into your head but her lack of interest in pleasing you might be a lack of fancy as you said. yet she is not completely ready to let you go because it is much safer to be with someone who understands your needs.

i might be completely wrong on this so you just have to look at your relationship and may be just have a chat as to where your relationship is headed. it might break the ice a little bit and give you an opportunity to tell her that you've been feeling neglected or unhappy.

whatever you do i hope it works out...

[pozzolane]

See, this sort of thing I find frustrating. I've been there. and frankly I find it very selfish to think (whether you're male or female) that once you've gotten yours, the sex stops. I really like this line I heard in a movie once. It was something like;

"Sex is like eating chineese food, its not over until you BOTH get your cookies".

I would think that you have every right to confront her with it. I don't understand how she would have the right to get upset and think that YOU are the one being selfish when she's only interested in herself during the sex.

I would ask her plain and simple. "why do you quit after I give you an orgasm and leave me high and dry?....literally! I give you pleasure because I enjoy making you feel good. Is there something wrong with our sex life or me that makes you not enjoy giving me pleasure?"

ask the appropriate questions to get to the root of the problem. But do it with some confidence. After all you being a little frustrated about it, I would think, is perfectly justifiable. Be careful not to be a jerk about it though. Don't make her feel really bad. But she should understand after your talk about how frustrating it makes you feel when it feels like your sex life is only give from you.

[spork457]

Thank you very much.

It's just i dont want our relationship to suffer over this but it is really frutrating as soon as she gets hers my needs go out the door. And its starting to get a little grinding I will talk to her soon about this i just needed top feel a little justified i guess, thanks again.

[batman527]

hey dude,

Your relationship is already suffering because of this. If there's one thing I've learned about relationships, it's that letting problems go unaddressed is recipe for disaster. It's just going to keep growing and getting uglier until it erupts. THAT will ugly. The people above have given you great advice on how to go about it, now it's on you to take care of it. As always, communication is key, and you'll feel a lot better when you get this taken care of, on so many levels

[Rosie]

Hi Spork,
I think yes that you need to have a talk to her, but don't be rude, brutal or mean about it. different people are at different stages, you didn't actually state if you are a virgin or not (i am assuming you rnt seems u stated "i am a extremely sexual person") but she is and she is starting from the very beginning with little understanding about how it feels what do to etc: I don't think it is right that you don't 'get yours' so to speak so if/when you do talk to her about it tie it in with the context of ur relationship not just getting off because then she WILL think thats all you want out of her. A year is along time so perhaps say that talk about how much you care about her, perhaps ask her if she is uncomfortable with giving oral sex, if so why? perhaps there is a reason behind it not just because she has gotten hers, but because she doesn't like it or has had a bad experience etc:
i hope that helps, goodluck let us know how it goes.

[WallyLlama]

Talking about "sex" involves a lot more than talking about who gets to orgasm how.

My recurring theme is that sex in a relationship should be another way of communicating. It's admittedly one of the more difficult communication forms because most people have a fair number of hangups, biases, and ignorance when it comes to sex.

But there is plenty to talk about... like the balance in your relationship overall and whether or not the lack of it exists in non-sexual areas... if it doesn't, then why this? If it does, there is work to do.