A little advice needed..?

[thatoneguy]

Hey everyone, I just have a quick question. My girlfriend and I have been dating for just over a year and a 7 months, and we have never had sex. This doesn't really bother me at all, but what does bother me is that she wants to other sexual things, but she won't because she feels so guilty because of her parents, she has given me oral sex a couple of times and i've done it for her once, but she was so worried that she couldn't really enjoy it. My question is this: How can i get her to stop worrying and just try to improve our relationship sexually, by trying new things or old things that she liked but was too worried to continue doing? I do not want to have sex with her (well i do, but i respect her wanting to be a virgin), just do a few other things. I feel like if i try to convince her to do those things, she'll think i just want in her pants..thats not it at all, i really care about her. Thanks for any advice

[vagabondprince]

if she feels uncomfortable there isn't much you can do. those choices are up to her whether she wants to do anything. it sounds like you two are each living at home maybe? is she worried about her parents because her place is the only place you two get time alone together? finding somewhere else to be close together (probably not in a sexual way at first) may help, getting comfortable being emotionally intimate wherever this may be, and then seeing if she's up for trying things wherever you've made that comfort place for yourselves. That's as much as i can guess though, I don't know any definite havens you two might have, so i can't suggest a particular place, but maybe it'll help a little.

[a.m.h.i.]

Have you talked to her about how frustrating it is for you to not be able to do things with her? Considering the fact you two have been going out for so long, talking about it with her probably isn't going to upset her too much.
I felt really guilty and awful about doing things with the guy I lost my virginity with, but when I realized how much it was bothering him, I thought it over for a couple weeks and then decided to go through with it.

[ua322]

Originally Posted by a.m.h.i.

I felt really guilty and awful about doing things with the guy I lost my virginity with, but when I realized how much it was bothering him, I thought it over for a couple weeks and then decided to go through with it.

So how do you feel about that decision in retrospect? Do you have any regrets?

[dancingdoc2]

These are all good recommendations. In addition to talking to her, what about working with her by telling her that you are interested in doing thus and such with her that she did before and if she is still interested in doing them also that you will let her set the pace. This should let her feel better about you and the situation(s) yet lets her know that as she feels more comfortable with these new levels of intimacy and when she comes to terms with how she views these activities either with regard to her or her parents guidelines that you will be a willing partner.

[a.m.h.i.]

No. I feel really lucky that I was able to lose my virginity with such a nice guy.

[WallyLlama]

There are a lot of potentially "wrong" reasons to engage in sexual acts:

1. To offer relief to a frustrated partner.
2. To achieve some false sense of intimacy.
3. To prove something to a partner.
4. Simply because you want to.

Hmmm... interesting thread! List all the reasons NOT to have sex. LOL

Point: the ultimate reality is that people decide whether or not to do something for their reasons, not other people's.

One of the missing pieces of information here is age. If she's in her 20's being worried about what her parents think would be a bit out of whack... if she's in her early/mid-teens, her parents influence is and should be very important. It's also not solely about age as a number... it's about the maturity of the person and the relationship.

People want to ignore the fact that our actions have consequences and that sexual acts tend to have far reaching ones. There is a lot more involved here than her worrying about her parents and part of what she's saying is that she trusts her parent's judgement. She's not sure what all the consequences are, so it's easier to allow her parents to protect her.

I would not say that's wrong.

Wanting to do something is not by itself a good reason to do it.

[ShadesRuda]

Dude, I was soooo her!
Everything Michael and I have ever done, I always worried about what my parents thought.
He NEVER pressured me, and we took things so slow (I'm still a virgin), that after a while it didn't bother me anymore. My parents obviously don't know what we've done but we're both certain they know we are intimate.


The truth is, there's no way of changing her view on this. However, I'd suggest talking to her and finding out exactly what her views on sex is. I considered EVERYTHING, oral, fingering, touching, feeling, even frenching(!), as wrong before marriage. (Is that what is bothering her? She wants to wait until marriage because that is what her parents want? Or she lives with her parents?)
I eventually re-evaluated my thoughts on that and decided that what I really believed I didn't want to do was have intercourse, but everything else was fair game.

Find out exactly what her fears are, what she wants to do, and what she absolutely doesn't want to do right now. If she is just interested, but scared, she needs to be comforted.