Is it culture difference or he uses me???

[nataly]

Well!..Firstly, I entend to look up techniques to impress my boyfriend. Once, read this column, I have some things else to ask in stead. Thank you you have this column.
I am Thai having an English boyfriend, we know each other for 4 months. He is 18 older than me (he 56, me 36). I am wondering if he just uses me for sex or for a real relationship. He calls me girlfriend and introduce me to others. But in bed, he does not touch that shows love, just get into it, and use the same position always. When we were on vacation together, outside the room, he is kind and tender. But on bed, always the same.
I don't know if this is English culture and I think too much. Or he just uses me for sex..?????
..
Respect every reply from you. Thank you,

[Brandye]

Most interesting, Nataly.

For hundreds of years, Asians have referred to Europeans "rutting like animals and not making love." We Europeans do not have the millenia traditions of Tantra, Perfumed Garden, Kama Sutra and the history of Japanese and Thai "pleasuring." T our defense, I think this has been partially overcome but I have had entirely too many lovers who were interested in "rutting" rather making love. I would like to think that younger generations are improving but I am not sure.

There is another (perhaps accurate) stereotype you can be dealing with. While there are many beautiful cross-cultural love stories (Anna and the King of Siam) and examples of great marriages, we European (I am Scottish with a German mother) women tend to see male Europeans as users of Asian women. Bangkok has a reputation as a city of sin. I find it a city of beauty but, then, I have never been in a Thai brothel.

The additional stereotype you are living is being with a man old enough to be your father. At your age, this is irrelevant but who know in his head, what is going on.

I do not know what could explain you and your lover's relationship. It may be interesting to acquire old Thai books on sex and loving and invite him to explore with you. If he says yes, you will accomplish what you want; if he is not interested, you may have an answer you do not like.

Your oriental tradition has a more open and creative approach to love. Likely better than anything you will find in a European language.

[SCAR]

maybe brandye is right but have you talked to him explain your feelings to him. some people are not good at being romantic. in bed slow down start cuddling first.
but being european (english) myself i could be way off

[champloo]

i agree with scar

have you talked to him and asked him to switch things up a bit?

you know, if you guys ever changed position, it might benefit the both of you.

(maybe if he used missionary, he tries doggy to find out he enjoys it much better and that it makes you scream and moan for more.)

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by nataly

...But in bed, he does not touch that shows love, just get into it, and use the same position always. When we were on vacation together, outside the room, he is kind and tender. But on bed, always the same. I don't know if this is English culture and I think too much. Or he just uses me for sex..?????

To the question... are you being used?

I think how he treats you outside the bedroom is an important part of deciding the answer. Ultimately these are communication issues, but not just in the sense of talking. In deciding what a person is "saying" it's important to look at the entire message, not just one piece.

It sounds like his words and actions outside the bedroom communicate the things you "want to hear." But not so much so in the bedroom.

Let's remember that communication is a skill... and our words and actions are all part of communicating. Sex is also communication and let's also remember that sex requires some skill - much the same as any other communication technique.

In short, he may simply not know how to communicate sexually. Brandye's suggestion is on - you may have to assume some responsibility for helping him learn how to communicate with you sexually. (I hope it's obvious that you do not want to tell him he's a lousy communicator!)

[Brandye]

Thanks for the support, Wally. Scar and champ are way off on this one.

[WallyLlama]

You're welcome, Brandye... but I think you know my biases. LOL Anytime you take "sex" out of the context of the relationship there are challenges...

and any time you see sex as a way of communicating (not simply cumming) there are rewards.

[nataly]

Thank you a lot everyone,..Finally, I got the answer I don't like. He finally has other women or girls who even 20+. And did not want to me GF/BF. I think he does not like to have a long term relationship.
He always says I am good, but cannot give the relationship. Eventhough I never ask for marriage or anything from him.
It ended anyway...

[SCAR]

i'm very sorry to hear that

[Revirginated]

You probably don't want to hear this at this juncture, but you are BETTER OFF without this a-----e.