What's wrong...uggghhh!

[annabegins]

Okay I'll attempt to make this brief.

So before I went to college I didn't have a lot of sexual experience. I met this one guy who was involved in the same organization freshman year and we began hooking up towards the end of the year. Flash forward nearly a year later and we are still hooking up, only he has yet to commit to me or attempt to build a relationship. He claims that because he just got out of a long term relationship (even though it's been nearly a year with us), that it was hard on him and he didn't really want to go through that again. Then he says things like he wants us to build a relationship and wants us to be exclusive, and then he says things that sound like he doesn't. He also claims (when I ask) that he isn't hooking up with anyone else, which I have doubts about. I don't know if he's saying these things because he thinks that's what I want to hear or because he actually means it. I worry, though, in a lot of ways perhaps he can sense my insecurity and I think he somewhat plays on it. He did in fact, call me the most insecure girl he's ever met. Which there may be some truth to. I never wore make up until one time we had an argument and he stopped speaking to me for a while, which caused me to purchase about a $100 worth of make up and I've never gone out without make up ever since.

Another thing that aggravates me is the whole jealousy deal. See, we're not in a relationship, so we aren't technically "committed". But I know if I even casually deal with another guy he'll be infuriated, so I can't (or I haven't pretty much, until just recently and I'd die if he found out). I know it's not a whole him caring about me kind of thing, I know it's his own ego deal. I try to tell him how this is not fair, but he just gets angry at me and just doesn't want to talk. And that's another thing. Every time we argue (which is about every time we're together) he makes it seem like everything is my fault. One time he got angry for me for not wanting to hook up when I was too drunk, and was so mean to me for a while. I always feel like I have to wind up apologizing to him to make things okay, even when he's clearly in the wrong. I just can't stand him so much, I don't know why he has such a psychological hold on me.

EDIT: I know from this he sounds really bad, but there are also times he can be very sweet and encouraging because at times I am quite down.

I recently met someone else (who I ironically cried about him on) and I'm really excited about it. But I can't stop thinking about this guy. None of my friends seem to understand and they just think I'm crazy. I know I can't wait forever for him to change his mind about the nature of our relationship. But also I don't want to feel like I'm just trying to distract myself by hooking up with other people (which sort of is the case).

Help!!!

[nursefluffykins]

my first reaction to reading your story is that you dont sound all that happy with your current guy, if we can call him that... jealousy and insecurities are really ugly things in a relationship, ... maybe its partly because you mentioned that you havent had much experience in relationships , cuz i know that i was much more insecure in my first serious relationship than in subsequent ones... (im currently in my 3rd serious relationship and i hope this one will last, anyway...)...
... your added insecurity could be coming from his behaviour, saying he doenst want anything serious... yet being mad if u were to fraternize with someone else...
... that just doesnt sound healthy... do u really want to keep going on in a situation like this... personnally i dont think that i could... again u need to really see with your friend whats going on.. of course, you mentioned that you're not sure how truthful he's being about the situation... but it sounds to me personally like you could find a relationship where the person truly wants to be with you, you deserve that... maybe if u break it off for a while he will realize just how much he wants to be with you, i duno if people can change just like that, but it could be the wake up call he needs... good luck trying to figure things out, i know its not easy

[dancingdoc2]

While reading your story and before reading what our resident nurse had to say, my thought was "you are continuing to be in this relationship because...."

I do not believe guys can change unless they truly want to and see the rationale for doing so. Most have egos that say they are right, regardless of the facts.

> And that's another thing. Every time we argue (which is about every time we're together) he makes it seem like everything is my fault.

This is juvenile and immature behavior. More to the point, he has yet to develop communication and coping skills that are a sign of maturity. Let's face it, in a well rounded relationship, disagreements are handled by negotiation and arguements are not an every day happening. I would not put up with this.

His explanation for not wanting to commit may be valid--or not. Whether or not he is a completely autonomous adult or not, he is probably away form home and parental influence for the first time and let's face it, guys need some time to experience life and spread their proverbial wings. If he isn't allowed to do it now, he may just find an excuse, later, when married. Girls are a couple of years ahead of guys in that you mature (mentally) sooner than guys. With this in mind, you are ahead of him in the overall scheme of things. Even so, I believe you are being hasty in wanting him to commit to you. Both of you need to date and sample more of what humanity has to offer so that when the time does come to choose Mr./Ms Right, you can do so with from a background of experiences. This is not to say that you should not continue to date him or somone else, just not exclusively, yet.

Another flag I see is his hesitency for not stepping up to the plate and taking some action, forward or not.

Your insecurity stems from a lack of self confidence. You have to feel good about yourself and become one with yourself, first. You can also decide to act the part of a self confident woman and you'll find that you will behave your way to success. Another aspect of insecurity is trust. You have to have trust in your partner and in the relationship. A successful relationship works because both people choose to be there. Until there are signs to the contrary, you have to operate on "Implied Consent" and presume that all is well. Believing in this and operating on this principle should go a long way toward boosting your self confidence and reducing your insecurity.

[Brandye]

No guy is worth all this aggravation. You are denying yourself the ability to meet some really great people there are around you.

[LoverGirl]

First of all, you are definitely not the only girl is this type of situation. I actually have a friend who went through almost the exact same thing up until just last month... Ok, I know I don't know everything about your relationship and I'm sure you've had some great times with this guy, but it's just not enough. It's been a long time, the guy is obviously interested in you but not in the right way, it's not enough, he's not crazy about you like he should be. And the thing is, at this point, he will never wake up one morning and decide that he only wants to be with you. You're not even that in love with him, just with the idea of him.

As you said, you didn't have a lot of experience and you're very insecure, i.e. you're afraid that you just lucked out by getting this guy's attention at all and that if you lose him maybe you'll never find anyone better, and the fact that he's so unavailable makes you feel like he's just looking for someone better, which is why you try to improve yourself to try and keep his interest. But this guy is not too good for you, and he is definitely not the last guy out there for you. You can and will do better, but only if you drop this guy, SOON. Maybe you look up to him, think he's hot ****, but he is not even close to giving you what you deserve from a boyfriend.

You're staying with him for the wrong reasons, like fear of being alone, it's comforting to feel like you have someone in your life, but he's not doing all that great a job of that. A good boyfriend is a guy you feel comfortable with because he's your friend too, he doesn't make you feel bad about yourself or think you're not good enough for him, he respects you, not to mention, knows he wants to be with you. And ok, so your guy has made comments like he wanted to commit, but that doesn't mean ****, and my friend's guy was the exact same way, he would make comments like that and get her hopes up, but the bottom line is, after nearly a year, a guy that really did want to be with you wouldn't need to be persuaded to commit, you would just be there already!! It ain't happenin', he knows it and you suspect it, which is why every so often he drops in a little something to keep you hooked.

He has the upper hand in your relationship (or sorry, non-relationship), he calls the shots and you're just along for the ride. Save yourself some time and energy and call it quits. I know it's not that easy, and even if you do it he'll probably do or say something to get you back which you'll give into, re-afirming to him just how much control he has over you... I'm sorry for sounding like a condescending bitch, it's just that I've seen this type of thing with so many girls and I know you could be a lot happier and in a relationship where you don't have to question whether or not the guy likes you enough, or if you're good enough. Because in a good relationship, you don't have to worry about that ****.

Move on, broaden your horizons, you'd be suprised how many guys you may have overlooked since you've been commited to this guy, which it sounds like you have, whether he was or not. And it's great that you're interested in this new guy. Again, I don't know the full situation, but it sounds as though you're more comfortable/confident about this other guy. Just end things with your guy. You want a relationship, right? So, unless you're satisfied with having someone just to hook up with on a regular basis, you need to move on to something more, because you won't get it from him. What's stopping you, think about it.

[Lonewolf*]

Wait so why are you still with him? I cant see a reason. If this new guy is making you feel good about yourself, go for it. You dont need somone who makes you feel like crap. Even if you say he does sweet stuff...

thats like in abusive relationships, "yes he hit me, but he said sorry and that he loved me and that he'd never do it again". And what happens? He does it again. Just like this guy is being mean to you and then does some nice stuff to make up for it.... its bullcrap, drop him. He doesnt deserve you, find someone who does.

[ua322]

Anna, he is using you. You want to know why you don't have a true relationship? Answer: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."

This guy has a hell of scam going here and you're willingly letting him use you.

My suggestions:

(1.) Break it off with this guy. No more "hooking up".

(2.) Stop "hooking up" with anyone, period.

(3.) Once you are sex-free for a little bit, then you can examine what it is about yourself that allows you to be used like that.

Please realize that most guys do not equate sex with love. They don't mind being a shoulder to cry on occasionally so long as they can get sex with no attachments.

[Lass]

Not all men are scum. I promise.

But yeah, I'm asking you the question: why are you two still together?

[WallyLlama]

A lot of good advice here... but let's not miss one important piece to the puzzle. We're quick to point out that good relationships "take two" to make them successful. Well, "failed" relationships take two to fail as well.

In a sense (a very negative sense) you guys are "made for each other." You even know that and it's why you said you don't know why he has such a psychological hold on you.

So make it not about him. Make it about you. Do you want to be the person he has the hold on or do you want to be someone else? Most people hate change, even when they know the change is for the better.

Just how much money do you want to spend on make-up? I have a feeling the bill could be pretty big.