Big age difference...

[monie]

Hey again. Now I've got somethin new goin on... I met this guy a few weeks ago. It was a bad situation, I had gone on a drinking binge (beyond stupid I know) and was wandering around looking for somewhere to go to sober up. I was with a friend and one of her friends. We sat by a stream and a few minutes later up comes this guy walkin a dog. He apparently knew my friend's friend and offered for us to come stay at his place for a few hours. So, off we went. My friends stayed for a few hours then left. The whole time I was there he was taking care of me, giving me water to drink, a warm blanket, talking to me and cheering me up. I stayed the whole day and we kinda hit it off. We exchanged numbers and talked a few times on the phone. We have a lot in common and it feels like we've known each other forever. A few days later I stayed at his place overnight and it felt so right. I cant really explain it but since we met it just feels like it was supposed to happen. I really like him and want to continue to see him, but here's the problem...

I'm 20, he's 30. He's just recently divorced and has 2 kids. This doesnt bother me at all, but I know my friends and family wont approve. I have only told one friend about him so far, and she doesnt like the idea of me seeing him. So, my question is, what should I do? Should I go ahead and tell my family about him and just hope theyll be ok with it? Should I just give up and stop seeing him? I'd really appreciate some opinions on a situation like this. Thanks.

[LittleFury]

My fiance and I have a difference of 10 years (a few hours short of exactly 10 years) I think you outta get to know him, figure out if the two of you are on the same level of maturity and place in life, and whether you can handle him being divorced and having two kids. I wouldn't tell your family about it though, not until you know you are going to go beyond just dating and start soemthign serious. I'd give it a chance though

[Lonewolf*]

Definitly try to get to know him. If you two really do work and are compatible, then I dont think age really matters. I know that normally when I think about it my first reaction is 'whoa what?' Thats how I've acted towards it since I was a kid. But more recently for I dont know what reason I thought about my logic behind that and I couldnt find any. If you two work, you work, age should not matter (unless it was a situation where one was a minor, lol but neither of you are, so... )

Just dont move too fast and make sure you definitly get to know him. If he spends a lot of time with his kids (you didnt say whether or not they lived with him, or if they visited a lot so I'll assume his wife normally has them) but yes back to what I was saying, if he spends a lot of time with his kids then you should also see if you get along well with them. Because if they are a very important part of his everyday life... well... *cant think of how to explain*

If I had kids from a past relationship, whether or not I loved the new person I was with, if he doesnt work with my kids, he doesnt work with me. (I am very child oriented I guess lol) (Obviously people fight, but I mean if he hated them then...) They are/would be I guess is the better term since I'm currently childless (lol and will stay that way for at least another 7-8 years) the most important thing to me.

It sounds like you two get along quite well so far. Keep with it. For now I guess just keep it from your family and friends, although it would be really nice to have someone in person that you can talk to... but you dont really need the pressure from them saying 'hes not right, or hes too old.' That would just put stress not only on you but also on the relationship. What matters is what you think, not them.

My father and brother both put stress on me in my last relationship because they kept making negative comments about my boyfriend. Especially my brother just did NOT like him. So when I was with my boyfriend sometimes I would think well you know, maybe they're right. But no. They werent and its not something thats productive to be hearing, best to just avoid that situation.

[Kimi]

I am twenty, my new partner is 33. I question our age discrepancy as well, but like you said......it feels so right.

Our ideologies are the same, we can talk about anything. He has not opened up to anyone in a long time, I can tell, and neither have I. Two nights ago, he asked me if we can be exclusive. I said yes.

I have decided not to tell a lot of people in my life just yet. Especially not my family. I just don't want anyone to have influence over my decision to be with him except me and him.

Keep getting to know him. If it just doesn't seem right, then don't do it.

[pozzolane]

I hate to be the negative one when everyone else is so positive. I don't have any experience in this subject but here's my logic about it. I don't like to count age, but I do like to count life experience. At the age of 20 I'd take a shot in the dark and say you don't have a whole lot of it. But at the age of 30....hmmm. Definately since he's been married and has kids I'd say he's got some experience. (I'm talking about life experience that is). So this is my question: If he does have life experience, why does he want to be with someone who's got so much less? And if he doesn't have life experience at the age of 30 (with his kids and divorce) what's wrong with him? the 10 years isn't too bad when you get up to 30 and 40...why? because of the closer tie in life experience. But at 20 and 30 or 18 and 28 or whatever... Compatibility in this area seems very faint. Being a guy (and a good one...or at least I think so) I coulnd't see myself being interested in someone who just barely came out of highschool if I was 30 years old with kids and a divorce under my belt. As mature as you may be you still need to "experience" (theres that word again) life. How much of this do you think you could do with a serious boyfriend who's 10 years older than you that has kids and is divorced? In my humble opinion I would suggest finding someone who's on the same page as you.

[wifey]

first of, in my opinion if you like him give your relationship a chance. you never know. my parents got together under similar circumstances...have been going strong for over 30 years now. there are few disadvantages of being in the relationship with someone who already has a family. main one being that, if he is anything like my father, kids will come first. so if things get serious will you be able to live with that?

just to respond to a comment on experience...not everyone at the age of 30 has "life experience". i know people who still live at home with their mum and dad and are not in a hurry to move on...if you know what i mean.

as for maturity, you cannot put it down only to age...my bfnd is younger than i and there are situations where he acts in a far more mature and responsible way than i am.

so in my opinion go for it if you like the guy and people's opinion are the only thing that is stopping you.

[monie]

Thanks everyone. I went over to his place yesterday, we spent the whole afternoon, night, and morning together. It felt so right being with him. We seem to connect on a level I've never felt before with anyone else. We talked about continuing to see each other, and we both decided that we want to, but we need to keep it to ourselves for now. We want to get to know each other and make up our own minds about being together before we let others influence the decision (I believe someone said something along those lines in a reply...)

Now on to the whole life experience thing. Pozzolane, I can see where you're coming from. But I must say that at the age of 20 I have had plenty of life experience. Without getting too personal about it all, I've been through more than some people experience in their entire lifetimes. So I really dont see that as an issue in this situation. Thanks for the input though.

What it basically all comes down to is that I feel like we are on the same level, that we have the same views, ideals, morals, and interests. I feel like this is right, I'm just worried about the reactions of my friends and family and how difficult it will be to get them to see things from my point of view...

[pozzolane]

First lets say this: Doesn't anyone see anything wrong with someone who's 30 and still lives with their parents? "not being in a rush"...fine I could see that at the age of 20-24...but 30?

secondly monie, I'm not trying to start a battle but I think people tend to over estimate their "experience". In another 10 years you can look at yourself again and see how much you've changed...and you will.

Besides that I hope it works out for you.

[monie]

Um I never said he lived with his parents... he's got an apartment with roomates and is getting his own place soon. And I know people tend to overestimate their experience, but I'm not. Anyways, thanks for your opinions.

[nursefluffykins]

i couldnt personnally see myself dating someone ten years older than me, but what i have read from what u said Monie seems like you both are happy so far, so i hope u continue to evolve together and see what happens... i also couldnt see myself dating someone with kids because i would rather have my own... i mean maybe if im older and divorced one day i could understand that statistically speaking im much more likely to date someone with kids at that point, but im in my twenties right now (26) and would feel more on the same level dating someone about my age who is a professional of some sort , but preferrably without kids...
but i can respect that someone else may find it joyful to jump right into someones family ..

As for the family thing, thats a tough one... i think it makes the most sense to wait it out before mentioning it to them, cuz like it was said, see where its going first...

also, being a nurse, i see how older people get sick, and its always sad when a young wife comes to visit her dying husband when shes still relatively young.... but ten years isnt that bad in that respect... the odds of that happening are worse when the age gap jumps to 15-20 years...

ok sorry that was kind of morbid, but what can i say thats what im exposed to every day lol

Best of luck to you, fluffy.