How much does your partner need to know?

[Horizon]

im assuming 'dating and new relationships' is the place to put this. okay, been with my boyfriend for a while..

ive had some problems in my past, some serious ones that i never told him about. my ex knows more about those problems then my current bf does, but even he doesnt know everything. i tried getting into some of the things from my past with my bf but it just seemed akward and like i was lokoing for attention, and i wasnt, i just wanted to be open. he listened. hes a good listener, but its still hard to say things

my question is, how much does your bf/gf need to know?
if it was just my past i wouldnt bother, but things are reoccuring and im afraid telling him would scare him.

its not something he can really help me with, i mean, he has, unconciously already helpped me with some things. but ...theres only so much he can do unless i tell him and even then i dont know what he could do and then he would worry all the time about me and i dont want to put that on him. i dont want to be seen as just seeking attention so i dont talk to anyone about things like this normally. i think one of my best friends i told her of one time, other then that my ex knows the most.

i really dont know if i should tell him or not. its not that i dont trust him, its just that it... like i said, it would scare him. i know it would.

[dancingdoc2]

My philosophy is this:

Ask yourself this question: Of what benefit is it to the person to know the information?

Secondly, if the nature of the information will have an impact upon the furture of the relationship then s/he should know.

It's a tradeoff. If there is no benefit in knowing, then do not burdon the person with information they cannot do anything about. Doing so places them in an uncomfortable and untenable position.

[Horizon]

well heres the thing, i dont know what benefit it would be to my boyfriend to know, but yet it might have an impact on the future of the relationship.

nothing against him. hes wonderful. its problems im dealing with, that in the end might make it impossible for me to carry on a relationship with anyone.

theres nothing he can do that would fully make the problems go away, and i know it would make it weird cause he would constantly want to know but i cant seem to tell him but i keep thinking i should.

[The1stTriSexual]

Maybe you could give us some more detail?

[nottooblushing]

I know how you feel, I was lucky that my bf and I were friends for a few months before we got together and he learned a lot about my past before we started dating.
That being said, we still needed to talk about it and how it would effect us as a couple. I have both sexual abuse issues and I am bipolar. He needed to know about the past abuse, because that obviously would effect our sexual relationship. But because we are planning on getting married he needed to know about my mental disorder before he could truely commit to me for the rest of our lives. In the end I was glad that he knew, because it turned out that I had a really bad episode a few weeks ago and I was unable to make decisions for myself. He was wonderful (even though we're long distance at the moment) and was involved with my parents in the decision making process, and got a taste of what he will have to go through when we're married.
Basically, if you want this relationship to be long-term, or even life long, then you need to tell him everything. If you are just having fun, then have fun, don't worry about it unless it comes up. But if your issues are anything like either of mine, remember that things could pop up at any moment whether you want them to or not, and trust me, people are much more likely to be able to be there for you if they know what might be coming.

[Horizon]

Originally Posted by The1stTriSexual

Maybe you could give us some more detail?

i guess this would make it easier to understand my situation.
after reading nottooblushings post i think i will tell him. i just need to figure out how. i do want to ocntinue this relationship.

although i havent been to the doctors to find out if something is actually wrong with me, i know i have problems with myself. i constantly fight with myself, i ahve pages of writing that looking at now scare me.

there has been more then one occassion where i have tried to kill myself. once by strangulation which i believe now is part of my problem of people touching my neck. once by cutting my wrists, but it didnt go deep enough. once by trying to overdose but my gag reflexs stepped in.

other then actual attempts, the amount of times it goes through my mind... i can sit there at my window and pray that someone would come and just shoot me. i've been out and i've almost but then i pull myself back.
my younger brother (i have an older and younger) saw the marks on my arms, and tried to get me to stop.

i sometimes drink and hope that i'll get alcohol posioning and just die.
ive joked about killing people and then myself (prevents me from going to jail) and people laugh, but i wasnt joking when i said it. when i said it i actually felt like i should do it.

he has helped me without knowing just by talking to me. my problem about telling him is that he'll learn that im not a stable person. and i dont want him to worry bout em al the time.

[WallyLlama]

I would worry less about whether or not to tell him and more about getting some help from a doctor or other professional. If you do tell him, make that part of the deal... that you will go and perhaps he can help you follow through.

Today would be good.

[Horizon]

how do you go about telling a doctor. cause i wouldnt think its the easiest thing to bring up. especially since i cant get my family involved.

ive thought about talking to someone before, but its hard to tell someone. (not including on here, but this is different)
they're going to ask me stupid questions like why and i dont think i can answer them. why? no my life doesnt suck, ive got a guy who loves me, ive got a family that cares about me. to most it doesnt seem like i would have any reasno to think like this

but its myself. i dont know how to explain to someone.

[nottooblushing]

Talking to a doctor isn't as hard as you think it is. They might ask you why, but "I don't know" is an acceptable answer. What you need to do is see a psychiatrist, go to your family doctor and tell him that you are having suicidal ideations and ask for a referal. I don't know what your insurance situation is, my insurance I can just go, others have to get a referal, so getting a referal is always a good idea. Trust me, you will feel better, they can help. What you are describing can either be fixed with medication, but more likely with therapy. You can even take your bf with you to appointments if that would be more comfortable for you. But take it from me, you need proffessional help, and the longer you put that off the harder it will be and the more complicated the solution will be. You do not have to feel the way you do, help yourself, because your family and bf can't help you until you do.

[Iris]

Well. Like the few previous posts I advocate going to the Doctor. They can help. If you don't want your family to know, then I suggest you make an appointment yourself, or as drastic as this sounds, go to the hospital and check into the Psychiatric Ward. I have two friends that have done that, and it helped them tremendously. Both of them took that step because their families would not allow their children to be "depressed" or "abnormal". If I were you I would research your options, but definatly go to a Doctor, be it your regular Doctor who will give you a referal to a Psychiatrist that they know or have some sort of professional experiance with.

Anyway, I wish you luck, and whether you talk to your boyfriend about most of your problems or not is your decision. But please, go talk to a Doctor... they don't bite... hard anyway.