Odd Situation

[Pheonix_DeLoures]

(Wow, this post is super long, I'll put a summary at the end)

Okay. So, a few months ago, (like, five I guess, I just counted) I met this guy, who I shall call T. Now, I met him at work, I saw him every day, and we hung out once before he asked me out. He was incredibly sweet on our date, and not at all fake, like he didn't pretend to like things he didn't, wasn't at all fake. Which I liked, incredibly.
On our first date, he just drove me back to my house, we talked for a bit, and then I got out. No kiss, haha. But that's okay, it was super cute. The next time we went out, We kinda joked about how he didn't put out on the first date, and he said it was because he didn't want to go to fast for me. Well, yeah, we later went back to his place. (yeah, i sound kinda slutty here, but meh.) But we didn't have sex the first time.

We were in his bed, Making out and fooling around, when he stopped me, and asked me if I was sure I wanted to go further. He said he didn't want to go too fast, because he liked me, and he didn't want to ruin anything by moving too fast.
I could have cried (and almost did) it was cute. No one has ever cared enough to stop, mid super horny, and tell me that. I mean, neigher of us are virgins, so, it wasn't like we'd never had sex before, so it was a very nice gesture.

Skip ahead three months. My birthday and christmas came in the past five months, and he called my friends to ask them what he should get me, because he wanted to get the perfect gift. On christmas, he even went to Build-A-Bear, which is basically what it sounds like, in a mall filled with people, and he made a bear for me, and so doing, got me exactly what I wanted.
So, I'm very in love with this guy. And by christmas it's been three and a half months of dating.

Friday the thirteenth (january), he tells me, (over text message, because that's mostly how we communicate, rather than by phone) that he needs to talk to me, and he'd rather do it face to face than over the phone or anything.
I was horrified, I knew what was coming, so I spent the day with my best friend at her house. He came to her house, and I went out to see him. He says that we should just be friends. I'm going with the 'don't helt him see it hurts' strategy, so I go, Okay, and ask him why.
He tells me that the maturity level is different, that he doesn't see our relationship going anywhere, because I'm not going to college or anything, (I want to be a writer, it's not manditory I attend school) I'm not working toward my life goal.
I just don't want to argue, so, I look at him, Completely dry eyed, and say I'm sorry he feels that way. and I get out of the car, walk around a tree and fall to the ground crying and can't get up for almost a good hour, my friend trying to get me to go into the house.

One week later. I can't eat, I can't sleep, It's actually been three days since I ate (at this point) So I message him and say I want to talk to him. we talked for a bit at work, (I had the best co worker's ever) and I told him that I wanted to be a writer, so his excuse was bad, and I wanted to know the real reason. He said it's because him and his friends smoke and do weed and I don't, so he can't take me to his friend's house with him or whatever. (Ouch)
Essentially it came down to he didn't want to break up with me, but he thought it would be better for both of us, because, he's got a new job which is 10 hours a day, mon-fri, and it's a 45 min drive to see me, and 45 back to his house. So we'd never see each other. Then he asked me if I would have preferred he'd said we take a 'break', I said I'd wait forever if he wanted me to, and now he get's almost upset (Crying upset, not angry upset) and he tells me ... something, I don't recall, and stalks out of the room.

I've never fought for anything in my life, I always just let it go, but, this time, I wanted to at least try, so I run after him, and tell him that the entire point of me asking him to talk was because I wanted to tell him that I love him (this is the first time I said it, and no he never said it either), no matter what, that if he wants to go, I just want him to be happy. And again, he almost gets upset, pulls me in for a hug, and we decide that Waiting is okay.


Now. I didn't discuss with him any details of this 'waiting' or 'break'. I see him most weekends, and we do sleep together (Why buy the cow if you're getting the milk for free my dad says) But I don't know if we're dating or not, if we're allowed to sleep with other people or not (I wouldn't, but I'm ... not afraid.. that he is, but I'd like to know that he's not for sure.)

Enter stupidity. There's now three OTHER guys who now mention that they would like to hook up with me. One of them is my ex, who was my first time, and is one of my best friends. (Which means, he's automatically out. I love this ex, but I can't lose him again) The other is a guy I liked for four years straight, I'd have killed for him, I have died for him, he flirted with me, hardcore, but never took it further than that, (four years, four years) And the other would be my best friend's cousin, and he has a girlfriend. (This one I'm super attracted to, but I wouldn't do anything for many a reason, T. being one of them)
They all decided to tell me this just recently, and it's more confusing than I need right now.

Summary

Long story short; My B/f and I broke up, but I want to wait for him to at least pass probation on his new job, which is three months, so none of the other guys really matter. But. Should I be worried that he won't come back, and is just using me for sex, or ... pleh.

I forgot the question. Any opinions? *feels silly*

[blooms]

ok..i no i'm only 14 but TRUST ME on this i have had alot of these problems. Ok now if he got upset because u confessed your love to him and your just "together" than i don't think you should do anything with anyone. I mean, whats more important, a nice one nighter or someone who you love to death? also, if T. decides he's done waiting and your with someone, what are you gonna do? Most guys, although they won't admit it, get jealous easy and going with another man is only a way to create problems. If you feel that he is the love of your life and u told him u would wait 4 him than u should follo thru....good luck!

[Pheonix_DeLoures]

Thanks for your input. I was planning on waiting, (meaning no one else) and I'm glad that I'm not the only one who thinks I'm not an idiot for wanting to do so. I've been told by a few people that waiting is not the right thing to do, that I should just move on, but I don't want to.

[pozzolane]

Of course you don't want to. But really think here and ask yourself: What if my waiting is in vain? So? There's one instinct that humans possess that we should use more often. Our gut. What does yours say? Not only this, you mention that some of these other guys you feel you would be capable of having feelings for also. And obviously they like you. The point I'm trying to make is you have to live your life. I don't understand why you would put it on hold for someone who dumped you cause he smokes pot. I'm sensitive to your feelings. But you have to use your head too. the smart thing to do is never the easiest thing to do.

[The1stTriSexual]

"Essentially it came down to he didn't want to break up with me, but he thought it would be better for both of us, because, he's got a new job which is 10 hours a day, mon-fri, and it's a 45 min drive to see me, and 45 back to his house. So we'd never see each other."

..i'm sorry, but I don't understand how that is necessarily qualifications to end a relationship? My gf and I have spent almost a year and a half doing a long distance relationship, and I only wish it was a 45 min drive to see her (instead of the 3 hour plane ride). Bottom line, if the guy really wanted a relationship with you, then ya'll would be in it.

And how much sense does it make to reason:

I'm worried that my long work hours would hurt our relationship, so lets take more time away from each other to save our relationship.

Does that not make sense to anyone else?

Anyway, I think you could solve this problem quickly by having a talk with him, tell him that if he wants you then he needs to act on it now.

[WallyLlama]

I'm fairly thoroughly confused.

The one thing that seems to stand out, though, is that with everything that has/is changing, nothing is changing. Now how confusing is that?

My bottom line is that:

A. It doesn't sound like either of you are really clear on why you are "together" or, for that matter, whether or not you are.

B. It doesn't sound like either of you know why you broke up or on break, or for that matter which it is.

As to whether or not to wait, I guess I'd wonder what it is you are waiting for...? That's different than understanding WHY you are waiting. You might be waiting for him to settle into the new job, but what do you both want to do after that happens? Is he still gonna want a gal who's going to college and willing to smoke weed?

That's what I mean by nothing changing... if you were miles apart before you won't magically end up together just because... what?

[Lonewolf*]

Originally Posted by WallyLlama

I'm fairly thoroughly confused.

The one thing that seems to stand out, though, is that with everything that has/is changing, nothing is changing. Now how confusing is that?

My bottom line is that:

A. It doesn't sound like either of you are really clear on why you are "together" or, for that matter, whether or not you are.

B. It doesn't sound like either of you know why you broke up or on break, or for that matter which it is.

As to whether or not to wait, I guess I'd wonder what it is you are waiting for...? That's different than understanding WHY you are waiting. You might be waiting for him to settle into the new job, but what do you both want to do after that happens? Is he still gonna want a gal who's going to college and willing to smoke weed?

That's what I mean by nothing changing... if you were miles apart before you won't magically end up together just because... what?

Although I know why you would feel you want to wait, but I agree with WallyLlama. What are you waiting for? His 'reasons' that he told you are NOT reasons to break up with you. Long distance relationships can work, if both people are willing to try to make it work. (If they didnt... I would be very upset because I'm soon going to be in one)

I'm not saying dont give him a chance, by the sounds of it (getting upset at you telling him you love him) hes kind of confused. Talk to him. Find out what exactly it is that he wants and see if its what you want.

If he's out having sex with other women, dont even bother, he doesnt love you enough to deserve you, so that would be something good to try to ask him. Even if you're not with a person, if you two are on a break I would personally think you still dont go and have sex with other people. I know some people would disagree because both partners agreed that it was okay, but if my boyfriend and I ever went on a break... and I found out he was having sex with other people... well we wouldnt be on break anymore, lol, we wouldnt be anything.

Personally, I think you're better off without him. But hey, its not my decision and I know if I was in the same situation it would be a hell of a lot harder to say that. Every relationship has its ups and downs I guess, but it just seems like its continuously hurting you emotionally, dont bother. Better to get rid of him, take some time to yourself, and then talk to the other guys that you sound like you care about as well.

Talk to him. If hes still looking for someone that does weed and goes to college, well... then unless you plan to change yourself for him which is just stupid, then dont wait and let him lead you on.

If he does want to stay with you, whether or not you do weed, or whether or not you go to college, then try to work through it. If you can get through the hardest parts of a relationship it supposedly makes you stronger. But most people are hard to change, if hes not willing to bend on things then neither should you.

...hmmm I think I contradict myself in this post lol.

[dancingdoc2]

Why do you want to be with a person who does drugs?

Find someone who works closer to home and who does not have an adiction.

I understand the emotional termoil of breaking up; however, this is universal regardless of the person. Pull yourself together, think better of yourself, be whole in your individuality and not needy believing that you need a person to be happy. When you are happy with yourself then go looking for Mr. Right. The guy may have many good qualities; however, that you would settle or sell yourself short for someone who does drugs is terrible.

Use dating as a way of learning about lots of people, not to find just one and cling to him. You sound desperate.

As for being a writer, I agree that college is not necessary; however, what makes you believe it isn't beneficial? Here, again, I think you are selling yourself short and are very naive. Get the education.

[ua322]

Originally Posted by Pheonix_DeLoures

....There's now three OTHER guys who now mention that they would like to hook up with me....

When you say "hook up" are you referring to sex or to dating or what?

[Iris]

*hugs and lots of emotional support*
But... I do think that his reasons for breaking up with you were specious at best. Personally, I would cry for a while, and then move on. Hang out with your friends to fill time. And don't have random sex with him now that you are broken up with him. Respect yourself more than that, because in the end that will hurt only you.

Good luck. And best wishes.