23/m, never had a girlfriend

[mayfair5050]

Hey im a 23 year old guy and i have never had a girlfriend before, nor have i even kissed a girl, been on a date or anything else you can think of. I'm not an ugly guy, nor am i fat. When i dress myself up I think i can look pretty decent looking.
My problem is that im fairly shy around girls and i never really know what to say. I mean once i meet them and get comfortable I can talk about anything but I never know how to take it to the next level. Now that im out of college I dont even know how to even meet girls anymore.
I guess my question is what do you think of a guy my age who has had zero experience with girls and what do you think I should do?

[adam]

Don't worry about it. I'm 17 and in the same boat as you. Of course, my circumstances are probably a bit different as I still live with my parents, but you get the idea.

You mentioned being shy... that might be the source of your problem. It's hard to bring about a full personality change, but try considering that it won't kill you to approach a girl. Avoid approaching people you'll need to maintain professional relationships with or close friends who you don't want to lose, of course, and start out simple. It won't kill you to show a bit of interest in a girl you like, or flirt. Odds are that, like snakes, she is just as scared of you as you are of her. Don't be afraid to step out of being shy and make an impression or say something funny. I used to be horribly shy around everyone, girls most of all (having a mild stutter doesn't help matters), and eventually I just realized that being shy wasn't really me. I'm still a pretty anxious guy, but I realize now that saying something, even if slightly stupid, around a girl is better than saying nothing at all. Of course, being a very sarcastic personality, it's always a dangerous line between being offensive and being humourous. But what's the worst thing that could happen? (disclaimer - I don't advocate trying to offend people. I'm sure any woman will tell you they don't like being insulted on a date)

Since you're out of college, it would definitely seem the cards are stacked against you in terms of just starting out with women. While I'm no social butterfly myself, consider the bar scene (a music club might work well), or you can try meeting women at parties your friends are throwing. Failing that, just ask any female friends for advice about meeting women, I'm sure they'd be willing to help.

It might seem a bit odd of a guy like me to be dispensing advice on helping you meet women, seeing as I'm in a similar situation. So you're probably better off taking the advice of someone who is both older and more experienced. Although I'd probably have no problem finding a girlfriend (it seems the collection of girls who go googly eyed in my presence is growing by the day, argh), I'm just not very interested in having a relationship. I don't find the majority of high school girls (or guys, for that matter) to be very intellectually stimulating, so perhaps next year at university I'll be better off in a bigger pond.

Also, I just thought of this - why not give internet personals a try? Think of it as a confidence-building excercise. If you and your date don't hit it off, it's unlikely you'll ever have to see her again, so that's not much of a concern. And even if it doesn't work out, it'll be excellent confidence building just going out and meeting a woman you don't know and trying to make a good impression, and see where it goes from there. The worst thing that could happen is not getting her phone number at the end of the night. There's not much of a limit as to what the best thing that could happen is.

To directly answer your first question, I actually sympathize with a guy like you. Although I do hope to have been in a relationship or two by your age, we all experience things at different times. Although I don't act it anymore, I still think of myself as a shy and introverted person and can definitely sympathize with not knowing what to say or not being very social. It's hard to describe how I managed to stop being so shy and introverted and "stepping out" so to speak, but it's something you'll have to figure out for yourself.

Most of all, good luck!

[moose_hd]

Originally Posted by adam

Also, I just thought of this - why not give internet personals a try? Think of it as a confidence-building excercise.

Most of those internet personal sites are 70% males and the quality women generally receive and avalanche of contacts from aggressive jerks. (Yes, I have personally polled women on personals sites about this.)

Chances are, a nice but shy guy will get no attention except from desperate, lonely, unconfident women and this will hurt his confidence.

[nursefluffykins]

well just 2 add my 2cents, my bf and i have been dating over a year and we met on an internet dating site... He was in the same boat as you ; shy, 24, never had a serious gf (had kissed a girl or 2), virgin (well i changed that hehe)... anyway..... for him posting an add online was helpful in meeting girls he normally wouldnt have the chance to... but yes indeed as it was already pointed out, chances are you will find 90% crap on the online dating sites... i find myself incredibly lucky to have found him... although mind u with a decent filtering system u can probably meet some decent people... and the ones that arent interesting you say it was nice meeting u and then dont see them anymore... i met some really nice people online ... of course i was approaached by people that seemed like jerks, so those people i didnt give the time of day to... people with vague profiles, or who are like "hey baby" lol...
went on a date or 2 that it seemed that all the guy wanted was sex, so i was like sorry im not looking for a one night stand and that was the end of it... in your profile u can specify what kind of person you are and who you are looking for, its a BIG Help in filtering out crap lol

[dancingdoc2]

"Networking" is one of the best ways to meet people. Advise family, friends, and coworkers that you are available and looking for Ms Right. The more people you have involved, the better your chances.

Placing yourself in situations where women are likely to be found is another excellent resource. If you have a hobby in which women participate, then look there; if not, then take up a hobby, sport, or some other outside interest that also involves women and join a club or social group that supports these activities.

Not being a city-boy, I do not find the draw of clubbing or of the bar "scene". Typically, bars are not the place to meet someone for anything meaningful or lasting.

Having been involved in Ballroom dancing for nearly twenty years, I can tell you that this is an excellent way to meet people and to have many "three minute relationships". You have fun, get to dance with many different people, and also hone your social and conversational skills. If you live in or close to a city, give this activity serious consideration. C&W dancing is also a way to meet people as are other forms of dancing like Square, Polka, and Folk, so if you live in an area where one or more of these are popular then take lessons and give dancing a try.

The key to finding a woman is to market yourself. The key to marketing is to put the "product" out where they will see it. Advertising works, so this is where networking comes in. I believe this is a much better approach than using dating services, unless they happen to be a local business. A reputable service is going to cost money so be prepared to spend some money "advertising" and marketing yourself, puns if any, intended.

Regarding your concern about engaging a person in conversation, I have this to say: Listen! Women tend to be talkative and chatty. Once you get beyond the "hi, how are you" question, you will find that if you listen you will have reams of information to comment upon and to ask questions about, and to relate any relevance you may or may not have. So, what might you do between the greeting and the listening? Ask an opening question or two about the situation at hand (not the weather), like where you are or what you are doing there, a comment about her dress or appearance. You can also make an inquiry about her opinion on some matter of interest. A lot of how you structure your opening conversation has to do with the situation you find yourselves in, so play it by ear.

Later, when it comes to sharing information about yourself, be willing to tell her about yourself but do not empty the proverbial barrel all at once nor too quickly. Give her bits and pieces, freely, and let her ask for more information. Doing so will keep this and future conversations flowing.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[Cicero]

Originally Posted by mayfair5050

I guess my question is what do you think of a guy my age who has had zero experience with girls and what do you think I should do?

I´ve been in a similar situation. I started out fairly early with girls (15yo) but between 17-23 I didn´t score a single time. Why? Because I was a nerd. Once I realized this I honed my social skills and today I am more assertive and able to chat up girls (or rather women) without creating social mayhem. The only solution to your problem is: Practice, practice and practice. It is to my mind even important to practice first before trying to "hit" on a woman you find attractive. It´s easier to be rebuked by someone you don´t really care about than if you think you´ve found the love of your life and get a pitiful "sorry, not you" look.

It´s a little bit like overcoming phobias by challenging yourself and raising the bar whenever you feel comfortable. Start out with painfully easy missions. E.g.: In the begining ask 20 nice looking women what time it is. Even if you wear a wristwatch
Then try to beef it up: Chat up 20 women about some specific item they are wearing. You can ask real no-brainers like "I like your ear-rings, are they maroccan-style?" Try to follow up on their response. If she says "Yes" you can ask if she likes Marocco or if she´s been there or if she bought the ear-rings herself or if they were a present etc. Hint: It´s better to ask her about things you find *really* interesting and in which you are a little bit knowledgeable. But being genuinely interested in her (or at least her style ) is always a good start.
Don´t be afraid to appear to be a fool. Even if your question and technique is only moderately clever most women who are interested in romance and doesn´t dislike you won´t shoot you down out of spite. If you really need to have a fall-back plan make one up: The earring question can be camouflaged by a cover story: You are looking for a birthday present for your sister etc. The main reason is to make you more comfortable.

Equally important in the longer term: Women want quality material and it is better for your self-esteem if you are certain that you are top-quality. So don´t be a couch potato or a uneducated bore. Have hobbies (attending Star-Trek conventions doesn´t count *g*), be well-read in some topics (once again: The Complete Episode Guide to Star Trek isn´t the right thing) and shape your body. You don´t have to be Mr. Superathletic Genius, simply show yourself some respect. You deserve to be an interesting personality and your body deserves to be in an adequate shape.

[dancingdoc2]

Nicely put.

So let it be said, so let it be done.

[Livy]

Originally Posted by mayfair5050

Hey im a 23 year old guy and i have never had a girlfriend before, nor have i even kissed a girl, been on a date or anything else you can think of. I'm not an ugly guy, nor am i fat. When i dress myself up I think i can look pretty decent looking.
My problem is that im fairly shy around girls and i never really know what to say. I mean once i meet them and get comfortable I can talk about anything but I never know how to take it to the next level. Now that im out of college I dont even know how to even meet girls anymore.
I guess my question is what do you think of a guy my age who has had zero experience with girls and what do you think I should do?

Honestly..i would rather date sumone with less experience..i think it's hot..my current bf had a couple gfs before me but no sexual experience...and that's one of the reasons i agreed to date him..it's a special feeling thinking that u might be that guys first ne thing..first gf..first person he kisses...it makes the girl feel special..

so i guess what i'm saying is that you shouldn't worry about it...most girls will understand that your shy, and most likely find it sexy...

and a good place to meet people is online..like date1.com i was a member for a while..and it's good cuz u can tell the other person all that online before u even consider meeting...then u kno how they feel about it...but i still say most girls find shy guys and less experienced guys sexy.. [/FONT][/FONT]

[Lonewolf*]

Originally Posted by Livy

Honestly..i would rather date sumone with less experience..i think it's hot..my current bf had a couple gfs before me but no sexual experience...and that's one of the reasons i agreed to date him..it's a special feeling thinking that u might be that guys first ne thing..first gf..first person he kisses...it makes the girl feel special..

so i guess what i'm saying is that you shouldn't worry about it...most girls will understand that your shy, and most likely find it sexy...

.... most girls find shy guys and less experienced guys sexy.

Totally agree. My boyfriend had had girlfriends before me, but not that much sexual experience, ie, only kissing with tongue. (To my knowledge). And I know he was shy, still is, just less then before as time goes on, but it feels so good to know that you are a guys first in some things. If a guys been around then you're just a weekly flavour, like honestly it just wouldnt feel as nice, as special.

So dont worry about not dating before. You dont necessarily want to search for a love either though. Just go out and meet people, if you click you click. Go out with friends. It depends on what you do for hobbies as well I guess.

Trying to take it to the next level is always an interesting task. lol Some people can just go up and ask. Just... if you get comfortable with a gal, maybe for an idea, go out somewhere, with or without accompaning friends, all your choice, like if you two would normally go out with a large group, then maybe make a small group. But go somewhere you guys can sit and talk... you could start telling her that you really like her and want to get to know her better, on a more personal level.

Not good with words, try when sitting beside each other, place your hand on her hand when no one else is paying attention and just softly caress her hand with your fingers and look her in the eyes. lol dont stare her down, obviously. But you know what I mean.

I dont know, anyways. Hope that had some help.

[clare33]

there is nothing wrong with your situation. before my current boyfriend and i met a year and a half ago (on the internet, actually. i know it sounds weird, but hey) he was in the same situation as you. he was a great guy, shy, didnt want to get into a meaningless relationship. I never thought anything bad about him for his lack of experience (I am over 3 years younger). In fact, it was actually very sexy and refreshing. we were able to give eachother our virginity, and that is really special. so dont worry, and dont give up hope