starting a relationship, for the first time

[NarrowChoad]

I am 15 years old and I have never been in a serious relationship. I have not had sexual relations before of any kind either. There is a girl that I have been longing to ask out but I have not had the courage. I cannot keep her out of my mind. It is starting to make me lonely and mildly depressed though I have not been with girls in an intimate relationship in the past. Whenever I get interested in someone, I start thinking of the negative sides of them. This girl for instance, seems to me to be the exact oposite of "my type". She has had a problem with drugs in the past and I am not sure if she is still involved with them at the moment. I on the other hand am totally against myself doing anything like that and have not done any drugs or drank alcohol yet. She also has been much more sexually involved than me and I guess I find it intimidating. She has had relations with guys and girls while I have had none at all.
I am not sure how to handle this situation. She and I have some things in common but a lot of things that we dont have in common. I love her personality and how she is so open about everything. Should I talk with her about my feelings? I just dont know. What should I do about my fellings toward her and my aprehensions?

[WallyLlama]

You'll find the answers to most of your questions include the word "perspective" - figuring out what's important and how important it is.

You've actually hit quite a few topics in this one post... and they all seem to involve this girl you are interested in...

First of all, asking her out will take some courage, but it's also not a life-threatening event. You probably need to decide to do it (or not do it) soon, because you are clearly making her more important than she should be at this point, evidenced by the fact that you are using words like "mildly depressed." You are giving her too much power over you, that's what perspective is about.

Same thing for the sexual aspects of it... while it might seem so, "intimate relationships" do not need to be that important at fifteen years old... they're certainly not required and there are some good arguments in favor of postponing sexual activity for a few years. At this point, it really can be a "non-issue" in terms of what you do concerning this girl.

Your post does indicate some wise thinking... the drug question is important and you might seriously consider just how involved you want to be with her if she's involved with drugs.

Talking to her certainly makes sense, as long as you keep your perspective. A date does not equal a relationship and I wouldn't suggest you open up your heart and feelings at first!

You might express interest in her... I see nothing wrong with talking with her about your concern over drugs, even stating clearly that you have no desire to get involved with drugs or someone who is doing them.

In other words, I'd say "explore." Just stick a toe in the water first... don't take off all your clothes and jump in naked. It is perfectly normal (and smart!) early in a relationship to protect oneself from harm and hurt... Don't let her be more important than she should until you begin to learn more about her and who she really is.

It won't be easy, but it can be simple.

[NarrowChoad]

Thank you so much for your insight. I think it will really help me.

[dancingdoc2]

I concur; although, I do believe it better to back things up a bit and reduce the intensity of the feelings and emotions. In short, play the new relationship by ear and also deed. Take the time to become very good friends, first. Take the time to learn about each other in greater depth. Be friends, first and if the relationshp matures over the course of several months into something more meaninful and important, then be friends, second along with being lovers. A few months of watching her behavior is not an unreasonable demand, although at your age it may seem like an eternity. Keep in mind the ol' adage: All (good) things come to he who waits."

So, date her if you would like to, just do not enter into an exclusive relationship for the time being.