Dating/live-in girlfriend

[JustAnotherGuy]

First a little background. My soon to be ex-wife cheated on me, she didn't want to go to counseling so we are getting a divorce. We have a 14 year old daughter. We are going thru the divorce process and hopefully will be complete soon.

Things were going well with my daughter. A female friend of ours need a place to stay. Having a 4 bedroom home I was going to rent out a room to her. I discussed this with my daughter and all was fine. Things progressed and now we are dating which I discussed this with my daughter and she was fine. She moved into my bedroom which I discussed before hand with her. My daughter said that she was happy for me, that I seem happier, etc. My girlfriend and my daughter shared some activities and had fun.

Now things are backfiring. She hates her, wants her out of the house, doesn't want to stay at my house, even ran away last night to her moms home which is 2 miles away.

Before anyone says that I am jumping into a relationship I agree that it is not the ideal. I didn't expect to get a divorce, I have accepted what is going on and moving forward. I have known her for 6 years and we are very compatible. So back to my daughter. I am contemplating letting my wife have her 100% as this is starting to wear me down. I have taken her to counseling but that seems to go in one ear and out the next.

I belive that she does enjoy having my girlfriend around because of all the things she does but to do so she would have to be "disloyal" to her mom. My daughter has been disrespectful to me since her mom told her that she had an affair.

Any words of encouragment from someone who has gone thru this. Thks

[MizMinx555]

Okay... Get ready for the marathon post..... I havent been through your exact situation, I'm not gunna pretend I have. My parents were never married and I've NEVER been close with my dad (I talk to him occasionally, but I havent seen him since I was 16. I'm 21). That being said, I can relate to your daughter and I come from a place that it's possible you might end up at if you handle this wrong.

Your daughter is going through a hard time right now; as difficult if not more so than your ex and yourself. The life she's known for the whole of her existance is being taken away from her. It's gunna take time for things to settle into somthing that's comfortable for her, for her to get use to it. Now as to your current situation? Regardless of whether YOU have accepted what's happened and are moving on, it's rather obvious your daughter hasn't. Yes... from what you've said it does sound pretty fast. Put yourself in your daughter's shoes! One minute, mom and dad are married, the next they're seperated, then divorce, then someone moves into the house, then your dating this someone... MAN! My head's spinning just thinking about it. She may have said that she was okay with it at first (it's even possible that she said that because she knew it's what you wanted to hear), but she's not now. I can imagine you're daughter's confusion at a time like this, just taking the divorce and your wife's infidelity into account, let alone the new relationship.

When you said that you were considering letting your ex have your daughter "100%" because of this, to be honest my heart HURT. I know that you're having a hard time with her right now, but it's kind of to expected! I'm sure once she has some time, your daughter will eventually become at peace with what's happened, but you have to give her that time. When you said that, it kind of sounded like you were putting your relationship with your girlfreind before your daughter. If you do this (give up custody because of this), your daughter will be furious and heart broken (even if she doesnt realize it at first)! I realize that this woman has become important to you, but would it really hurt to slow things down a little? Sit your daughter down alone and really talk to her, try to resolve these issues, figure out EXACTLY how she's feeling about it, what she NEEDS right now. If she cant come to terms with the current situation....maybe consider moving your girlfreind out of the house for a while until things settle down and revisit the option in a few months?....I dont know... *

I know this was a ridiculously huge post, and I know that this wasnt exactly encouragement for you. I just related to the situation, and I feel for what your daughter must be going through so much I had to throw in my 2 cents (or fifty * ). I really hope that I havent offended you, and I know that alot of this might be my way of interpreting what you said, but I really really wish you luck with the situation. I hope you're able to figure out whats going to be best for you and your daughter.

[JustAnotherGuy]

MizMink - First thank you for the post. I didn't want my post to be to long so I eliminated stuff and may not have been clear on others.

What I meant on my daughter staying with her mom is that the majority (yet to be defined) she will live with her mom. She has become confrontational about meanial stuff (her cell phone). If she is happier staying at her mom's while she sorts this stuff out why should she stay at my house.

Yes, my head spins as well. My whole thoughts on marriage.... Wait before your married to have sex, your spouse is your best friend and you die of old age in each others arms. While my life hasn't been that, being tested for std's and AIDs at 40, going thru divorce, etc. I went thru counseling (ex has elected not to) and the 15 years of marriage wasn't so rosy. There wasn't any fighting or yelling she wasn't there for me. In 15 years she went to my friends house with me twice when they had get-togethers.

When I say that I am moving on.... I want a healthy relationship. I have found a women (friend for 6 years) that has the qualities that I could only dream of. The communication is excellent with us and we are making sure that this isn't just a "honeymoon period".

This is a pattern for her mom as she was getting divorced when we met, had a child when she was 16, let her ex-boyfriend raise the child when she was 12 now 18. But that is neither her nor there.

My concern is that my ex is using my daughter to get back at me. The man that she had the fling with isn't leaving his family, they didn't award her maintenance and probably the most is that she is being vindictive that I am not crumbling mental or financially.

I am hopeful that my daughter will see in time that I am trying to provide a stable (as funny as that sounds to an outsider) environment with structure, boundaries and most important respect.

The mediator agreed to 50/50 3 days ago, but now with this episode he is recommending that my daughter spend 1 day a month with me for 3 mths as a trial. I am afraid that that will just let her mom "brainwash" her some more. But then again it may backfire on her.

I appreicate your thoughts especially with your background. I have to go and will check back next week.

[MizMinx555]

I'm really glad you took what I said in the right way and weren't offended. I was terrified someone was going to jump all over me. As I said, alot of what I said was interpretation and my feelings... no one can truely understand what you all are going through but you... so ultimately (as Im sure you're aware) you are the only one who's going to *be able to tell whats best. There is so much going on in this situation that I dont think Im going to attempt anymore advice (no sense in sticking my foot in it), except to say that if what you say about your wife "poisoning" your daughter against you is true, maybe her living with her mom full time isnt healthy? She maybe confrontational about little things, but I would bet that its just a phase that resulted from everything thats going on (as well as good old fashioned being a teenager angst)... she'll probably get over it eventually. Just somthing to think about.

Thats all I got to say....again, best of luck figure all this out...

[WallyLlama]

I guess I'm not sure I know what the issue/question is... is this about the old relationship? the new relationship? your daughter? I realize all of those things inter-relate, but it might be helpful (to you) to prioritize your thinking.

A couple of comments...

Those who are divorced need to be ever so cautious not to build a new relationship based on the old one.

Children of divorced parents (particularly at the age of your daughter) frequently learn how to work the system. There is a fine line between being sensitive to the child and letting the child control the parent(s).

One former spouse will often leverage the child(ren) for their financial and emotional purposes. It will always pay not to try to win this battle, but don't count on the child appreciating it. (Your daughter may or may not appreciate the "stable environment.&quot Do it because it's right; not for reward because those rewards are NOT guaranteed.

A last thought... a mediator's job is to keep the legalities in order, not to provide counseling and "do the best thing." If you are concerned about your daughter's emotional and physical health it might be wise to involve another party such as a counselor.

[JustAnotherGuy]

Wally - I was looking for another persons perspective if they have ever dealt with my situation (whether as a kid or an adult).

I agree you need to build a new relationship not based on the old one. We have both discussed what we liked in our old relationships and what we were missing and what we would need for the "ideal relationship". Our communication with each other has been excellent.

Yes, she is working the system, and a typical teenager who is going thru a tough time which I understand. This weekend we went camping and it was relatively stress free. As I mentioned before I am setting boundaries which she doesn't like and tries to challenge.

I will never leverage the child. I understand that her mom is the most powerful female in her life and that I can't change and don't want to. While that is good, I hope my daughter can distinguish the good and the bad.

She is seeing a counselor but my wife has taken her to the apointments prior to the divorce and I feel that she has "swayed" the counselor. I have also had her sit in with me and my counselor which was good.

Thanks again for the info, it is just another stepping stone and learning adventure in the meaning of live.