Coping with boyfriend's ex

[tspie]

OK, so...

Really long story still sort of long, I've been friends with my current boyfriend, "John," for a couple of years, but we were both in serious relationships when we first met and for a long time after that. His relationship ended last year, and mine ended this past February. We began seeing each other almost immediately once we were both single, and it was something we had both wanted for a long time.

For the first few months, we had a lot of ups and downs as far as adjusting to being together romantically. We butted heads a LOT, and in June, he initiated a split. He said he couldn't see us ever getting married and since that would mean a break up down the road, he wanted to make sort of a preemptive move and end the relationship before it would cost us our friendship. I did my best to understand where he was coming from, and attempted for a couple weeks afterward to maintain a friendship with him. He constantly blew me off though, and I eventually found out through a mutual friend that he had started seeing somebody else less than a week after we broke up. This "somebody else" happened to be his friend "Jessica" - someone that I had asked him if he had any interest in on several occasions, and he had told me flat out each time that he could never date someone like her. I felt majorly betrayed, and stopped all efforts to stay in contact with him.

We ran into each other at the movies one night a few weeks ago, and he chased me down afterward and pulled me aside. For the next hour, we discussed everything. He finally admitted to dating Jessica, but filled me in on the fact that it was only as an attempt to get his mind off of me. He said that immediately after breaking up with me, he'd realized it was a big mistake and had regretted it. He still felt strongly that we wouldn't make it long term though, so he stayed away (thus blowing me off every time I tried to maintain our friendship). After about a month of turmoil, he decided to stop over-analyzing the situation and tell me how he truly felt - that he loves me and wants to be with me - and decided we could handle everything as it comes. I was still very hesitant at this point to even be friends with him again.

He broke up with Jessica first thing the next morning. After about a week of us spending time together catching up (and of him doing every romantic thing he could possibly think of), we started seeing each other again. It's been a couple of weeks now, and he's been absolutely amazing this time around. No arguments yet, and he is making an obvious effort to keep it that way. I'm still holding my breath though that this is too good to be true.

My only real problem is that Jessica is still in the picture. She remains a big part of John's social group. He makes a point to tell me about every single moment of his life that involves her, and he says he does this both so that I won't hear it from someone else and freak out, as well as to make it easier for me not to cringe each time I hear her name. He never initiates contact with her, but refuses to ignore her either, and she is deadset on staying friends with him. Everytime someone mentions her, I can't help but get quiet and moody. It just brings back all the emotions of the month we were broken up.

I know I have no reason to really be mad at either of them about this - John and I were broken up when they dated - but I can't help but not like her just for the fact that she and John DID date. Whenever I see her, she gives me a big hug and is as friendly as can be. I, however, still have that urge to just scratch her eyes out. So I guess my question is, will this get easier with time? Is John taking the right approach by forcing me to face the fact that they're still friends and I just have to accept that? ...Or is our relationship still doomed from the start?

[lilly2279]

Ooh, I feel your pain. I'd have my claws out too. have you ever talked to Jessica one on one before?

Bottom line is you can't really tell him who he can be friend with and who he can't. Do you trust him? Do you trust her? Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Tell him you want to get used to the fact that they are friends, but that it really hurts you that he snuck around with her after he split up with you.

You don't want to be blind in this or naive. Keep your eyes open. Just because he tells you everything they do together doesn't make it right. Why aren't you with him when he's hanging with jessica?

Maybe try to become "somewhat" friends with jessica. But don't make the mistake of talking about your boyfriend to her. If she's got a thing for him, her ears will perk right up if you complain about this or that, you know? meow meow.

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. You've heard that before, there's a reason why it's a quote.

Don't be controlling and jealous, but don't be blind either. I know that's like saying be purple, but also try not to be too violet... little bit impossible, but doable. Good luck, hon.

[WallyLlama]

Hmmm... a couple of thoughts prefaced by the observation that feelings are not always rational, but they always feel (and are, actually) valid.

The best partner is the one you share with, including irrational feelings. A certain amount of possessiveness does not necessarily imply a lack of trust. It implies a deep need and desire because we know "losing" the other would be the worst thing that could happen.

My suggestion is, therefore, that you and he keep talking, not so much about Jessica perhaps but more about how you feel about her, etc.

In the end, this is more about you than Jessica or even than him. Read your post... you felt "betrayed" when he dated her, even though you acknowledge he was fully within his rights by most people's dating criteria. The fact that he changed his mind and dated her is not such a sin - after all, he changed his mind about his relationship with you!

This is about perspective: you seem to be directing some anger (or something) at her (and him, actually)... find the real source of your feelings and manage them or you may well be "dooming" your relationship with him.

As for the way he is handling it... if you don't like the way he's handling it, tell him you'd like him to change it... talk about her less, etc. But if you do that, remember that you may be asking him to be less honest with you and you are admitting that you are incapable of managing your own feelings.

A better discussion with him would include asking him what he enjoys about her (in a non-threatening way), particularly since at one time he said he could never date someone like her... if you can ask that and listen to his answer, you will learn a lot about HIS needs.

[girl12]

One thing i noticed that Oberon pointed out was that you ARE directing unnecessary anger at her. She is nice to you, as far as you know she is not trying to steal him, she has not betrayed you, she gives you a hug every time you see her, but yet you still want to "scratch her eyes out."

Society has really promoted the whole thing about women hating eachother, but don't do it. Just because she is friends with your boyfriend doesn't mean she is a bitch, or a bad person, or that she is just doing it to make you mad.

You may find out something valid about her that you can hate her for later, but for now, as Oberon said, find where your anger needs to be directed.

-Mariah

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (girl12 @ Aug. 03 2005,14:12)]One thing i noticed that Oberon pointed out...

Huh?!! LOL

[girl12]

Sorry Wally!! I was kinda asleep that day and your new avatar reminded me of Oberon's so I thought that you were oberon. SORRY BOUT THAT!

-Mariah