Excitemn

[blueshark]

SORRY ABOUT THE TITLE... I MESSED IT UP

At the moment I am in a bit of an interesting situation (or at least I find it to be) and I am not quite sure what to do. I will elaborate in the following paragraphs, but first I will provide details about myself, my history and my goals which may help you all to understand my position.

In other words, I'm really going to spill the beans. Everything in italics isn't necessary to read, but I wanted to say it anyways. Maybe Some of those frustrated souls who feel they are inferior for their lack of sexual activity may learn something.

My issue is in the regular text wayyy down at the bottom.


I am a 21 year old college student with a recent history of promiscuity and poor decisions. Through my teens I was oblivious to the fact that girls and women found me attractive. I was the shy kid who kept to himself and only really talked or engaged in conversation when someone else initiated it. I was a goof, kind of dorky and oblivious to what others thought of me, but I'd always be there for my friends. I went on to graduate highschool and enter college as a virgin.

The same pattern began to repeat itself, though I was less oblivious to the women that came my way. Still, I was shy. I remember a couple occasions when I really really liked a girl that liked me, but I really didn't know what to do. so I just kept quiet and waited for something to happen. They must have expected me to make a first move because they would voice their frustration and then drift away.


When I turned 19 (the legal drinking age here) I discovered bars and clubs. Around the same time I got a job in retail sales which allowed me to hone my social skills and develop the ability to talk to strangers.

Soon after, I discovered the wonderful world of casual sex. I would go to a club, get picked up, and then go home with some random girl. This happened nearly every week (sometimes 2-3x a week) for a year, with some breaks when I had a girlfriend.

(I didn't lose my virginity to a random... I lost it soon before the whole downward spiral. It was a classic summer fling with the girl from out of town. She was a virgin too, and we're still great friends. That whole chapter is irrelivant here though.)

Anyways, after a year or so of being a man-whore (and thankfully no STDs) I realized how destructive, disrespectful, dangerous, vain and potentially unhealthy my behaviour was.

I vowed to stay celibate until I was once again able to see sex and women as I used to... something beautiful yet scary and special all that the same time. *I wanted to become the kid I used to be... quiet, respectful, caring... mature, even. I also wanted to try out this thing called "having a platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex"

I returned to college and lived with 4 female roommates. I became close pals with them all and was able to resist the advances of all their hot friends. I began to respect myself a little more, and I made a lot of really good friends. Drama and the simultaneous PMS rituals of 4 young women eventually drove me out to live on my own, and this brings us closer to today.

I've not had sex in a little over a year, have a different outlook on life and I've learned a lot about women (though they still remain a mystery) I've got a lot of female friends, but I really feel like I'm missing the closeness of having that *special* female friend. if you know what I mean. Sometimes even the best friends in the world can't fill this void.


A couple of weeks ago I was hanging out with my good friend Sabrina and a friend of hers I'd never met. Something about her friend really appealed to me, and I immediately wanted to get to know her better. We talked a lot that night, danced and hung out the day after. Sabrina informed me this girl had never liked a guy in her life and had a big crush on me, of all people. A couple of the other girls there that night mentioned to me that it looked like "someone" might have a crush on me

She's a couple years younger than myself, shy, sensitive and reserved but a lot of fun. The ironic thing is, she reminds me a lot of myself when I was about 18. I can tell she is interested in me, but I don't know how much, and I'm not sure what to do.

I'm used to girls having a crush on me, and then eventually making the first move because I either don't realize what's going on, or I'm too inept to make anything of the situation, or i'm just plain chickenshit. I guess you could say I can pick girls up, but after that I don't really know what to do

Simply put, I am not smooth and I have no experience being the initiator of anything beyond friendly conversation. *Especially with someone I respect and do not want to offend.

If things continue as they are, (hanging out, friendly conversation, casual touching) we'll end up as friends, and nothing more. This is an acceptable outcome, but not necessarily the desired one.


A couple weeks ago a bunch of us (and her) went on a camping trip. We accidentally forgot the big tent and 4 of us had to squeeze into a 2-3 person tent. She slept next to me under the same blanket. She seemed comfortable there, and was cuddled right up against me. a couple times I woke up and her face was right against mine. I ended up kissing her, and she didn't turn away.


I really enjoy spending time with this girl and would like to continue to do so but on more romantic level (doesn't have to be serious, however). I'm not sure of the best way to advance; I don't want to make her uncomfortable or chase her away.

I'm sure it sounds really insignificant to everyone else but I'd really appreciate any input or comments. hopefully I didn't ramble on for too long.

I guess the moral of the story is don't sell yourself short for meaningless sex. It's like drinking all alone in your bedroom.

thanks

[iamawesum69420]

Well it seems like things are going well for the two of you. Through hanging out, talking, and things of that nature you guys are getting closer and possibly liking each other even more so kissing is a natural thing to happen. I would suggest that since things have been moving a good pace and there have been no problems just let things progress naturally. There's really no need to plan out how you're going to advance. Just let things happen as you and she both want them to. It sounds to me like you really like this girl so I think you're going to be able to handle this relationship a lot better than maybe the experiences you had with girls in the past.

Your situation actually reminds me a lot of what I went through. I just decided that I didn't want to be a virgin anymore so from the first time I had sex it was a casual thing. It ended up being a really bad thing for me in some instances because I wasn't really sure how to act when I really liked a guy because I was used to just jumping in bed with a guy so if I had sex with a guy because I actually liked him then he wouldn't really be able to tell the difference. Well things are a lot different for me now. The relationship I'm in now is going on 9 months and I'm a LOT happier than I was when I was having all that casual sex.

So anyway back on track, I think you're doing great with this girl from what you've said in your post and I hope everything goes well for you and her.

[WallyLlama]

Is this a case of the pendulum swinging too far the other way? Having had casual sex does not mean you are incapable of having a "meaningful" relationship! The past doesn't have to determine the future. In some ways, it makes the future possible. Still, you have to switch to the future focus.

If you want to be romantic with this girl, romance her! Show her and tell her that she's special. Treat her well and let her see that she's important to you. You don't have to have sex with her to create the "romantic" relationship (which it sounds like you already have, by the way).

One other note... don't get caught in thinking you don't deserve her because of your past. If she truly loves you you will destroy two people and the relationship with that kind of thinking!

[blueshark]

iamawesum69420, thanks for the encouragement and the kind words. I suppose I'm on the right track.

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]Is this a case of the pendulum swinging too far the other way? Having had casual sex does not mean you are incapable of having a "meaningful" relationship! The past doesn't have to determine the future. In some ways, it makes the future possible. Still, you have to switch to the future focus.

You're absolutely right Wally, though I'm not sure the pendulum is swinging too far in the opposite direction; I'm just being cautious where I may not need to be. I just feel like I'm bumbling about.

Thanks for the advice too, perhaps I should start thinking differently.

But at the same time I feel like something needs to be said or done, but I'm not sure what. So i just stay quiet. I don't really feel that is progress.

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (blueshark @ July 17 2005,09:30)]But at the same time I feel like something needs to be said or done, but I'm not sure what. So i just stay quiet. I don't really feel that is progress.

So... tell her she's beautiful! Tell her she's special! Tell her you might be falling in love with her! (If that's true.)

Ask her how she feels about you and your relationship! Maybe you can simply say, "I feel the same way."

Quiet isn't bad, though. Sometimes a look can say more than a thousand words!

What would you consider progress? If you can state that, it can be achieved.

[Skyby]

I got a question... have you been on any "official" dates? or just hanging out as friends? If she knows you feel that way about her well I say just let nature take its course, from the sounds of things your doing fine... If not, then TELL HER that you really like her etc.

[blueshark]

All the time we have spent together has been as friends. Getting time alone has proven to be pretty difficult given interfering work schedules (and the fact I live 40 mins out of town). We probably see each other once every couple of weeks, though we talk often via chat or email.

In a month or so there will be a lot more free time.

Wally, you've reminded me how important communication is, and how good a well timed honest compiment can make a person feel. But I know I'd hate to be put on the spot with a question like "how do you feel about me/us" at this point. I'd answer it truthfully (and i'd hope she would too) but it sure would make me squirm

As far as progress goes, I'll have to think about that one. haha. There are so many possibiliites.

[WallyLlama]

Sometimes squirming is a good thing! LOL

Don't underestimate the power of chat and email... it's a venue that can create incredible communication! I'm becoming something of an expert in "long distance relationships" and I can tell you that if you choose to do so, chat and email can strengthen a relationship a thousand times better than sitting somewhere "making out." You are alone and you can be very focused on each other.

Jump on the opportunity! Get the communication flowing and the relationship growing BEFORE you get more free time and are physically together. You won't regret it.

Don't stop thinking about how you define progress, though!

[Skyby]

use this free time coming up to ask her on a date! If your a bit worried do something casual that is something friends do together but can be turned into a romance situation....
Eg. I was unsure whether i wanted to be with my boy at first so our first date (which he organised) was spent bush walking on one o the islands near me, the day was spent being friends, until he took me to a secluded beach to watch the sun go down and he just made sure he was always within touching distance and nature took its course.... just an idea

okay so I know Im a hopeless romantic but hey....

[blueshark]

I just found out that she and a best friend or two are going to a music festival this weekend in a different city. She invited me to come along too. I'm sure her friends will make an effort to give us some space at least once or twice. Hopefully i can make it! And I'm pretty sure I can take it from here.


Thanks for all your input, I appreciate it. I know that problems like mine are a little self-important and probably fairly common. So I really appreciate the time spent by others troubleshooting my life.

and as a PS, I got a laugh last night replying to that STLMikeCampo guy's thread. the whole time I was typing I was thinking "i really need to take my own damn advice!"