Lies

[Wainrite]

How does one handle a situation where one was lied to early on when first dating, but then the truth is found out later on after you are already in a relationship with the aforementioned liar?
This girl and I have grown to really care for one another, but she does not know that I am aware that she lied to me about having sex with one of her other friends when we had first begun to date. I'm just curious to hear if others would put it behind them or not.

[oberon]

Personally, I think it would depend on the seriousness of the lie. *

In this case, many people (particularly women- who are unfairly looked down on because of an active sex life) will fib about their sexual past, so I don't think I'd worry about it too much. *As long as it was a past thing and over now, I just put it behind me.

I'm also a little curious as to how you found out? *Did the guy tell you? *If so, what makes his word more reliable than her's? *Guys lie, too, you know? *Usually, about women that they haven't slept with... *Anyway, just curious...

[WallyLlama]

Relationships grow and change... hopefully they mature.

As a silly example, early on you probably always tell her that her hair looks beautiful. Some years later you may actually tell her it needs brushing once in a while.

Were you lying all those years?

My point is that she may not have felt "back when" that your relationship was ready to handle the information that she'd had sex with the friend. (If, in fact, she did.)

The more important question might be why this is an important issue. I'm not sure there's much to gain by accusing her of lying at this point.

I'd put it behind me and continue to grow the relationship. At the same time, if you can't get past it it's worth dealing with it. Just ask yourself a couple of important questions:

What are you most concerned about - who she slept with or the lie?

How can you deal with it in a positive manner?

[Wainrite]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (oberon @ July 06 2005,23:49)]I'm also a little curious as to how you found out? *Did the guy tell you? *If so, what makes his word more reliable than her's? *Guys lie, too, you know? *Usually, about women that they haven't slept with... *Anyway, just curious...

As for how I found out, she told me about it back when it originally occured, under the context that it had just happened once. *I have recently found out through means inadmissable in relationship court that it was an ongoing thing.
She does not know that I know however, and I brought up the issue recently after she had brought up the guys name, and what bothers me is how she got angry with me and tried to make me feel bad and wrong for bringing up the issue again and not trusting her. *Just a tad bit frustrating.

And Wally, I agree that I'd rather put it behind me and move on rather than make a big deal about it because I really care about her, and she has been great since the trouble. *But what about the trust issues this raises? *It's clear that she enjoys my company, so much so that she will lie about certain things to keep me around. *Should I even bother once I reach this point?

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (Wainrite @ July 07 2005,06:17)]And Wally, I agree that I'd rather put it behind me and move on rather than make a big deal about it because I really care about her, and she has been great since the trouble. *But what about the trust issues this raises? *It's clear that she enjoys my company, so much so that she will lie about certain things to keep me around. *Should I even bother once I reach this point?

Trust is not an absolute and it is built, very often over time.

Trusting her is as much about you as it is about her. That's part of what her anger may be about... sensing a lack of trust on your part and a need to revisit a past which may have zero to do with your relationship with her. You are seeing a lie, she may be telling you that you and a forward look are what are important.

It's interesting that you used the term "relationship" court... you may also be making her feel like she is on trial.

If you like the analogy, I would say that at some point you and her become the judge and jury of your relationship. There needs to be a statute of limitations regarding the past!

[Wainrite]

Hey...it's been awhile. *I had a fun fight the other night and it reminded me of what you said Wally, about there being a statute of limitations regarding the past.

Since we have been using the legal analogy, I will stay with the theme and ask whether you think that lying about past events, even those whose statute of limitations has long since past, is a "relationship crime" in and of itself, even though one might not still be able to prosecute the actual crime.

And the reason I used the term inadmissable in the first place was because I said to myself before I read the info that I wouldn't use anything in it to start a fight over, I just wanted to check if my gut was telling me the right thing, which it was...but the validation of my gut is doing nothing to help make it feel any better.

Ignorance really is bliss.

[WallyLlama]

I'm not sure I can follow or stay with the analogy. We need Little Fury - she's in law school! LOL

My point was - and still is - that relationships are dynamic. It's possible that we will say and do things early in a relationship that we wouldn't do later in the relationship.

The "statute of limitations" means this:

You can't store up the past and dredge it up later - that's inadmissable. Well, you can... and lots of couples love to do that. That's a relationship crime.

In practical terms... the "lie" is in the past as well as the alledged sex. If you didn't confront it at the time... well, at some point you might want to let it go.

Because, in a very real way... concealing your doubts and your feelings is also a lie... a lie that you are committing in the present. That's a relationship crime too.

A lie early in the relationship can certainly be damaging... but storing the lie and concealing your feelings about it... well, let me ask you, counselor, "What will do the most damage to the relationship?"

Sometimes the prosecutor ends up on the defensive!