when it rains it pours

[vagabondprince]

It recently became summer. I recently made up my mind that I am ultimately through with my ex, there is absolutely no common future for us. And I recently decided I want to pursue dating again. For a while I thought i had all the prospects i could ever dream of to choose from. Then, pick by pick my choices were eliminated. My first choice, who had recently broken up with her bf before i met her was quick to find another bf, and i just hadn't been aggressive enough to be in the running. My next choice started dating someone else while i was concentrating my efforts between the first choice and my ex. my third choice was neglected so long because i was distracted that she stopped returning my calls. and then there was the final choice. I liked her, but it was a girl that was way outside my circle of friends. My best friend actually made some slightly rude comments about her simply after learning that i knew her, knowing her himself. She was simply my last choice because I was trying to find someone who could hang out with and get along with my other friends. But the last choice was looking like my only obvious choice. Like i said, i get along with her, and love her personality, so i decided i'd start hanging out with her, and see how things go. I went to the beach back a couple of weeks ago, and my second choice came for a couple of days. I told the story here in other sex topics. Basically, she was "not serious" with the guy she was dating, but was actually more serious than she was claiming, not wanting to do anything because she might have to tell him if he asked at some point. So basically there still wasn't a chance for me. I came back and hung out more with the last girl.

This is where the title comes in. Now that i'm closer to this one girl, the second girl broke up with the guy. Now i have to figure out how to handle my circumstances. It's hard for me to figure out how i want to go about this. I'm going to present my choices (in no particular order) as i see them right now, kind of fishing for opinions possibly. 1. I concentrate on the girl i'm currently hanging out with, actively trying to turn it into more than a friendship. 2. I concentrate on the second girl, seeing if she's interested, and backing off on the girl i'm currently hanging out with. I'd of course keep up friendship, but i'd try dating the second girl rather than the last. 3. try dating both at once. so far i'm not serious with either, and from what i've gathered in this day in age, dating doesn't necessarily mean being exclusive. I dunno. I've gotta go with the flow for the most part, but i do still feel i need to have a strategy of approaching this. any help?

[pozzolane]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]
1. I concentrate on the girl i'm currently hanging out with, actively trying to turn it into more than a friendship.

Just something that jumped out at me right away here. I wouldn't try to engineer any relationship if I were you.

Don't try to manipulate your relationships. And don't use "back-ups". Everyone, at some point will use a back-up but it is incredibly selfish only to date someone because you couldn't have what you really wanted. How would you feel if someone told you the only reason they were with you is because you were their silver or bronze medal. Don't do that. If you want to be happy you cannot settle for whatever's left. You have to take initiative to go after what you want. I'd say go after the one you truely want. If you want that girl from the beach then go after her dude. Nothing worth having comes easily. She's either worth it or she isn't.

Do this only if you know what you really want. If you don't then you need to test the waters. As long as both, or all, of the women you are dating know that you are not commited to them, you can date as many as you like. Get to know them before you decide if they are worth the pursuit.

[pixiedust]

I agree with what's been said. Just think about how you'd feel if you were the last choice girl. Would you want some girl to date you just because she had no better options? It just isn't fair. Let her go be with someone who is truly interested in her. And as far as the second girl I'm not so sure she i an option right now either - I've learned from my own personal experience that anyone on the rebound usually will see you as a person to transition them back into the dating scene rather than someone to jump back into a relationship with. Healing takes time and there's no way she's just going to be ready to be with someone else in a serious way that quickly. At least I've very rarely ever seen it happen. I dated a man once who was recently divorced. He broke up with me because he started seeing another woman. A woman he ultimately married. I was merely the transitional person. They actually refer to this in when harry met sally lol. Best movie EVER! as far as romantic comedies go anyway. good luck!

[vagabondprince]

Ok, i may have presented the situation a little more brashly than it really is, judging from my responses so far. It's like i'm lining up the available girls and assigning them a place, and dating them perhaps before building feeling for them. The case in reality is a little different. Over the course of the last couple of months I have been becoming more assertive, and going out, talking to people more. It was all part of a process of getting over my ex-girlfriend and dealing with some depression issues i was facing. But during this time i was still being reserved when it came to trying to date because until about a month ago, i still had hopes with my ex. So i had several girls i had talked to, and was interested in, but that i was hesitant in going further than friendship with. But while talking to all these girls, there were the several that i felt i'd like to date. not just that i could date, not just options, but girls from whom i'd be forced to make a choice. as in i'd want to date any one, but couldn't date all at the same time. so it's not like she's my last choice, it's just that out of the girls i want to date, i chose decided i wanted to see about trying to date the others before her because of certain circumstances, ie, the first person had spent a night with me, the second choice goes to the same college as i do and hangs out with a lot of the people i do, etc.

Basically what i'm saying is the girl i'm calling my "last choice" isn't really my last choice. it's not like i want to date her just because i want someone to date, i want to date her for her. it's just that she's not the only one; there are others i like similarly, and i can't figure out what to do about it. I don't know how much that changes advice, but we'll see. i've also realized who i choose is really something only i can decide on. I may ask about how to approach the situation once i've made up my mind though.

[pozzolane]

Ok I guess I slighty misinterpreted your original post. What your going through is very common. Your undecided, confused, whatever. The way I'm now interpreting your second post is:

"I'm worried that the one that I 'pick' won't be the best choice / I'll miss out on something else during my exclusion to my first choice."

For that matter. You better remain available. Cause who knows, the love of your life may fall out of the sky while your dating number 3.

Take some risks. We don't know what the future has to offer us. Why not try to date them all? get to know all of them. In the sence that you go out with them all, become friends, but are not committed. If you think with your head you should be able to see things in one that will turn you on and things in others that will turn you off. Pay attention to these things. If you do, making your choice on who to commit to will be easy.

[lilly2279]

pozzolane gave excellent insight and advice!

My thoughts are very similar... It's summer. Have a great time. Get to know all the people you want to. If it's not "serious" then it should not be a problem.

Now the catch is that everyone defines "serious" differently. make sure you are all on the same page about what is going on. If you're hanging out and having a good time, then cool. If you're having sex and stuff of that nature, sharing thoughts, plans, etc., make sure you all know what is going on. Don't keep your other friends secrets. If you get the feeling down the road that one of them is the one you want to date exclusively, make it known and work that out accordingly. Full disclosure is your best bet in this situation. If they get jealous and weird that you have other friends that are girls, then you can call that a red flag. Trust is important. But make sure you are trustworthy.

good luck! Have a fun summer!