When its all too much...

[Starr]

First the question/s:

How often do you like to be told your S/O (or any body) loves you?

Do you like to be told your beautiful/handsome?

Can you be told too much??


Now the back ground:

Firstly, weve been together for over 12 months and just the other day my guy told me, that I said that I loved him too often the other day. He said that it should be something that is reserved (said less often) because saying it 'lessens the meaning of it'. While he was on his rant about stuff, he also mentioned that I tell him how handsome I think he is too often.

He said that he thought/felt that when I said it (I love you) he had to say it back (I love you too) and that I should know how he feels about me and that it was as if I doubted that he loved me...and that I was too touchy in public.


I dont know what else to say, I feel so crappy that something that is supposed to make someone feel so good makes him feel like that. In my family its the norm, I was brought up very (physically) touchy (hugs) and open and I get the impression that its not quite like that in his family...

I'm so confused, and pretty angry that he is, essentially, taking away my ability to tell him how much I care about him... I really do adore him and cant see why its such a problem to tell him he's special. I can deal with the public touching thing, I dont think that I am too touchy its not like I tounge him in public or any thing... I occasionally steal a quick peck on the neck and stuff but oh well, thats OK.



I suppose I'm so cut because I cant see it from his point of view, and I cant see why my point of view is the not so correct one

Any advice would be greatly received ...

/end rant



Ellie

[WallyLlama]

Well, I won't suppose to know why (or even exactly what) your bf's thinking... a couple of thoughts:

One of my pet peeves is people who say they're sorry at the drop of a hate... eventually it seems to be an automatic response thta doesn't have much thought in it. I think that can be true of any combination of words.

So I'd have to say "yeah," I suppose it is possible to say something too often. I can't say there's a schedule of how often is enough - or too much, but there is some balance in it, I guess. For me personally, it's the way I'm told that counts. It's sorta hard to describe without tone of voice, but it's great to hear it in a way that says "I just had to tell you that," and not like "How are ya? or Whassup?" LOL

Same with touching. I'd rather have her hand reach over and touch the top of mine in an intimate and sharing way than be mauled (not saying you're doing that).

But that's all me. My concern with your situation is the pattern and the need to establish something that works for both of you so you don't feel like you are being deprived. Remember that understanding (and respecting) his preferences is the best way to tell him how much you care.

But he also should understand and respect yours.

You probably need to talk some more - after you stop being angry. Hope the vent helped with that!

[Starr]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (WallyLlama @ May 16 2005,02:03)]You probably need to talk some more - after you stop being angry. Hope the vent helped with that!

I've huffed and puffed and ranted a bit to my (step)mum... Not about the love thing, about another thing

(I want to go over seas in 12 months for about a year, however he says he doenst know what he'd do with out me, but doesnt want to hold me back, when I said he should come he just said "I dont want to see those parts of the world"... )

Grrrr...... I dont know what else to feel... I understand what you said about showing that I/you understand what has been said is more loving ... but you know, I was watching him tie his laces the other day and his bum was so cute I just wanted to say... and then felt like I couldnt ... and that made me sad.

[finewine]

The questions to me becomes:
YOU:Hon, why do you feel it is too much?
HIM: Hon, why do you feel it is so necessary to tell me every day?

Find the fear he is not facing or the excuse he is making so that he does not have to make the effort for you.
Find the fear you are facing or the excuse you are making so that you do not have to make the effort for him.

DO NOT ever NOT tell him what you are feeling even if it creates some discomfort for him.
To KNOW the feelings is better always.
It is difficult to be open and vunerable with feelings for some personality types, male or female.

Study his personality and understand his feelings in this is no slight to you or any less love. You have to learn to trust in that.
He needs to allow you to express your feelings because that is your personality... and it is no slight to him or any less love. He must learn to trust in that.

That you cannot trust implies there is an underlying fear somewhere...
Find the fears address them and enjoy the new depth in your relationship.


Speak the truth in love.
Great advice from a GREAT book.
Tell him honestly, you feel sad you could not tell him how you thought his butt was so attractive.

It may be that he does not understand your point of view.
I have to share this insight a wise person I love very very much told me recently.

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]Perhaps the male and female approach to love mirrors the physical roles in sex; male love seeks intensity in sporadic bursts, remaining on protective, loving standby the rest of the time - whereas the female approach is more enveloping, always there, never truly leaving the mind.

You significant other needs to realise this and study your model so he will know how to meet your needs and understand you better. *You should study his model so you will know how to meet his needs and together you will find the synergy of win/win by combining them into something new that is unique to you and him.

Know this, that the 1 year mark is a turning point in relationships. Your relationship will either grow or stagnate at this point.
Do you want to stick with him or go find someone new? You have to make a commitment, so does he.
Talk it out by addressing the questions above.

Discuss the issues by addressing the issues not attacking the person.
See life's truths and roles in marriage threads on this board about communication.
talk talk talk.
if the way you are talking now is not getting results.
change the way you talk.
Study how to communicate better with your significant other.

I hope this helps.

[WallyLlama]

Hmmm... you may have introduced a new spin on this and, perhaps, an important one.

It sounds like you a pretty far apart on the travel issue as well as the "love you" issue, as well as the touching issue...

Take a hard look at the issues that separate you... and ask yourself if his bum is really THAT cute - cute enough to offset the fact that you and he haven't been able to negotiate a solution to some number of issues.

It's very easy to fall in love with the idea of being in love, it may be time to get past that (and his bum) by taking a hard look at your values and preferences. The more you reveal, the more it sounds like you will not be happy together over the long haul.

[Starr]

hrm... I dont really know how to reply to some of what Wally said... But thank you both for your replies.

I can go on and on... about a lot of stuff... and to be honest I didnt realise that the travel issue was such a big one for him... he'd have never said, (or left it too late) if we hadnt been talking about stuff that night.

as for Finewines Question about telling him every day - its not even that often I only get to see him 3 or 4 times a week.. and its usually as we part ways ... if I spend a day with him its a bit more frequent but yeh... its kind of hop in the car , kiss and say 'love you'


I dont know...Wally is right, there are other issues and we have had to cover that may mean we arent together for the long haul.

thanks both.

I'll let know how it pans out...

[WallyLlama]

Just so there's no doubt (and so no one feels compelled to post what I really meant LOL)...

I didn't mean I expected you to answer my questions here, just that I thought they were questions you might consider. But I think you knew that.

In most of life, knowing the correct questions is usually more important than knowing the correct answers.

I think I'd ask myself what his position on the travel issue (and others) says about his deeper self... his sense of adventure and willingness to compromise... and how that deeper self matches yours.

Ask, seek, be and take care of yourself.