In need of advice

[eternal_kaos]

I should probably explain first. Well about a week ago my boyfriend ended it very suddenly. I had no idea that the thought and even crossed his mind so naturally I was very shocked. I asked him why then and tried once more 3 days later and all I've gotten was he didn't feel the same anymore and he didn't feel we were right for eachother. This didn't really seem like a satisfactory answer as the night before we were making plans for the weekend. But he wasn't telling mr or anyone else anything different. So for a week now we've gone to school and he talks to me occasionally never usually for long just asks how I'm doing (oh great by the way, my boyfriend just dumped me out of the blue, honestly * ). So he obviously dosen't hate me or why would he bother. I don't hate him either, sure what he did was rude but I'm not going completely flip. I waited for the customary heartbreak and wondering what I'm going to do, to be over. But I've realized now after contemplating it that I really want him back. I miss what we had including the relationships itself, the hanging out with different people, and of course the physical aspect of it all.

I know I shouldn't be begging on my knees for this guy as he is the one who dumped me, but I really miss him, and being with him was so much fun. I'm not going to beg and plead for him to go out with me, but I definately think making an effort isn't going to far. Can anyone help me to try to convince him that we really should go back out, and we are "right for eachother" ?

Thanks so much for anything.

[LadyOfLucidDepths]

umm you can't convince anyone that.

[pozzolane]

Yeah sorry. Lady is correct. No matter how much we want to we cannot truely convince anyone to love us. There should, however, be no harm in telling him how you feel. Be honest with him. Tell him that you really had great times with him and you miss that. Tell him that you'd like another shot. Keep in mind though if you say that and he doesn't really respond, it's best that you just let it be and move on. You never know what the future has in store for us but have faith that things will work out if you let them. Also, if you don't get back together I would recommend minimizing your contact with him. After you've truely gotten over him and are possibly with someone else, only then would a true friendship with him be possible (if that's what you desire).

[WallyLlama]

There's a whole vocabularly around being together that's cute and communicates our strong desire... "I want you. I want you back..."

As long as it is about desire that's fine. But at a deeper level we need to understand that another person is not our possession when we say "I want him back."

The deeper question is "Why would you want someone who doesn't want you?"

In the early stages of a relationship we "chase" another with the goal of discovering whether or not that person is "the one." When a person concludes they are not "the one," the chase is over, really. And the deeper question must be answered.

There's a lesson to be learned: don't make the existence of a relationship more important than the person you are relating to. The things you describe as missing are easily found with another who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him.

Nothing wrong with staying open to a change in your ex, but lots wrong with not honoring his desires.

[Rawbob]

I guess when i read posts like this i look back on my life and how many people i dated during my teens and early 20's.

Aside from what Wally said, the reality is, you're most likely going to date, fall in love/lust with many more guys before you finally find a partner who is equally motivated to work hard to keep a relationship alive and active!

I love analogies, so i'll use the bike analogy.

When you first started riding a bike, you were wobbly, fell a few times and maybe even needed training wheels. Sometimes u had a friend or famiy member help you..but no matter what, you had to just keep trying till you had it down.

You were motivated to keep "picking yourself up" and getting better at it! Funny, when you look back at how you struggled and compare it to how easy you see riding the bike now - it's almost funny!

Well..dating is teh same way. Sometimes you're gonna fall off and u have to keep dusting yourself off and get back on the dating-bike!

It takes time to get to know yourself and your strenghts.....and belive it or not, the more you Do come to know yourself, the more attractive you will be to men/women!

So, dust yoruself off, and get back on the bike!

[oberon]

Without knowing exactly why he broke up with you, I really can't say it's a good idea to try to patch things up. If you don't know the reason, then you don't know if *you'd want him back.

Example... and I am NOT saying that this is the case here!!! Please, make sure you understand that.... I dated a girl in college. *We were great together. *We shared a lot of the same interests. *She was wonderful. *BUT I am gay. *I just hadn't worked out what to do about it at that point. *I broke up with her with no real reason given. *I wasn't ready to come out (heck, I didn't even KNOW any other gay people), so I couldn't really explain it to her. *Even though, I'm sorry I couldn't explain why, I'm sure she was better off out of a relationship with me.

It takes two people working together- in the same direction- to make a relationship work. *If one of those people is uncomfortable or not invested in the relationship, then it's not going to work. *

I'd say remain his friend, give him space, and see what happens. *DON'T put your life on hold waiting for him, though. *The next guy might just be even better.

Take care.

[eternal_kaos]

Thanks everyone, it's been a little bit longer since we broke up, and I still really wish it had never ended would still really like to be with him. My first instinct when reading some of your posts was to get angry and ignore the obvious truths in them. But after a little bit more time I've realized most if not all which was said is true. Yes there's no harm in telling him how I feel but can't "make" him like me. The bike analogy really makes sense, so i guess i'll just have to pick myself up and try again.

Thanks again.

[Rawbob]

U GO GIRL!

[dazedandconfused]

it sucks...I'm in the same situation as you. Only I was an asshole and deserve it. But it'd still rock my world to have her back.