What is she doing?

[loneo]

Hi

Heres the situation:

This girl and I have been 'courting' for a while now.
She is quite a flirt but I know that she does like me, we've had situations where we've kissed and messed around at my house and in public.
Her initial line was that se wasn't up for a relationship and that she couldn't commit herself in that way to one person because she's still young (18) and exploring and stuff...

Like I said we've had situations where we've been foolin around and stuff. One time she was round my house and we did the whole dry sex thing for a while, I guess I kinda ruined it by asking if this meant we were together now, after which she said the same as before, and that she didnt want to hurt me...

Ever since then we haven't kissed and things seemed a little more distant, I spoke to her (over text - bad i know) asking whats going on because I care about her and feel like a bit of a toy right now. To which she replied how she would love to be with me because she knew I'd treat her right n stuff but basically echoed the same stuff before and said she didnt want to be in a situation where she felt it wrong to look at other guys n stuff after which came the your a great guy and your so fit stuff, which seemed like a butter-up although she said it wasn't.
Now, I kindof understand where shes coming from n that she just wants to enjoy herself. She said perhaps because of this we should revert to just friends...I don't know whether I really put her off by getting so serious on her or not but it did seem that way.
When I see her now she's different, although she still gives me permissions similar to before, allowing me to touch her and stuff, just physical flirting and that it just feels as if I've lost any chance of being with her...and I DO want to be with her so badly.

She said sh wants to explore but then I wonder if she has a heart either, because when we meet up with her and her mates she goes into girly mode right infront of me as if I wasn't there, talking about perving on certain guys and stuff. I also see her semi-flirting with other guys and stuff. It never gets to the stage we were at [I hope] in terms of kissing and feeling but she's all smiley and friendly round them, which she used to be around me, but now she is alot more quite round me and it just gets to me, as I don't know what I've done to make her act like this with me.

I'm quite the jealous type so this gets me pretty down, to the point of wanting to start laying into these other guys when it's her thats playing with me.

I just don't get how you could know someone likes you so much, but still do these things like you didnt even care about them, while still telling me she cares about me too...


I just don't know whether I'm just a standby for her and whether she thinks it too easy now that she knows I like her so much, that she doesn't have to work to get my attention as she did before when I wasn't so interested because I knew she was like this, being with her alone convinced me she was different, but then she acts the same as before in a crowd so I guess I was wrong...

I just need some advice as to whether I should just try and leave it alone because it doesnt look like it can amount to anything or whether I should just be there when/if she ever does want something. I know it sounds kinda lame to do this but I want her soo much right now I don't really care too much for playing the hard to get game again to get her attention, though it seems like this is the way she is.
So many things are telling me this girl is bad for me but other things are just saying wouldnt it be great...ah I dunno.

Thanks for any help.

[WallyLlama]

Sometimes (most times, I think) knowing the right questions to ask is more important than knowing the answers.

It seems to me you have most of the questions figured out. No one can give you the answers, unfortunately, probably not even her. She may not fully understand what she thinks and feels.

Here are a couple of thoughts that might be helpful, or at least interesting.

One, lots of people confuse the role of sex in a relationship. Sex is (can be) a relationship in and of itself. Being physically attracted to someone and acting on it is not a sign of anything other than the fact that we are sexual creatures.

Two, relationships are never black and white, they are always gray. That's part of the beauty of them... you get to renegotiate your relationship every day. It doesn't have to be a chore, it can be an adventure. Attempting to fit a relationship into a certain label or criteria can actually destroy the relationship.

That said, we might consider "uncomplicating" your situation.

The one thing that seems consistent is that she doesn't want to be in a committed relationship... it also sounds like both of you aren't sure you know what that means.

As for the "girly mode" (great expression), I think that's exactly what it is... I suppose we could spend hours talking about that, but remember you are both at ages where you're still discovering things... how to act in situations, etc. There is no substitute for life experience, unfortunately.

You need to keep asking yourself all the questions you've poised here, but here's the only one that requires answering at this point: "Can you be satisfied with the relationship you currently have with her until (or if) there's a renegotiation that includes a deeper commitment between you?"

If yes, you might talk with her and suggest the two of you discuss how you are going to relate to each other. Don't press for commitment, just get the "groundrules" clear. Those rules are going to include you getting control of your desire for her so she doesn't feel pressured for a commitment.

If no, you know what to do.

I said "uncomplicated." I didn't say "easy."

[pozzolane]

There is pretty much nothing to add here to wally's post, except that if you choose that your happy with how your relationship currently is and get your "groundrules" laid down with this girl. Don't close yourself off to other girls yourself. Try to be open and accepting to everything that comes. Maybe this girl might see you with another and realize that she does want a deeper level with you. Sometimes we won't realize what we have until it's gone. And we know that people always want what they can't have.


Good luck!

[loneo]

Thanks for your post wally, has really helped.

Though like I said, At the moment its like were not doing anything, and the messages we were sending the time when she said perhaps we should just stay friends seemed to echo this.
I know she wants to explore and probably only has feelings for me on a physical level because she can't be bothered, is afriad or is just not looking for anything serious...or perhaps a combination of those...?

I want her on various levels, its not about sex for me, I would be her first time, and when we've fooled around she's said she did'nt want to, but was perfectly fine getting my kit off, bit of a tease but I cant seem to say anything 'bad' about her.

This is also the thing thats getting to me, I don't think it will go any further purely because of her mindset on the situation, which I don't think I can really change at this point, all I can do is wait, if I am actually willing to do that, which I'm not sure about because it really hurts seeing her with other people that I know she's 'messing' with. Though like I said I don't think she does the same things with them, it's more just a flirt kinda thing.


Since she backed off abit I've just been really confused as to what I should do, the messages I mentioned seemed to straighten things oiut I guess, in that nothing will happen anymore, but at the same time she does her little flirt thing with me like we have'nt been together and done other stuff..
It just hurts and getting her off my mind is something of a challenge if thats the route I choose, though I am a very persistent guy, which prbably comes accross as quite desperate but I'm at the stage where I really dont care how I look...

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]Sometimes we won't realize what we have until it's gone. And we know that people always want what they can't have.

I'm not the best at flirting and initiating with girls but they always seem to flock to me when I'm playin ball or doing sporty stuff. And this always seems to get her (and other girls) more interested, probably only because of the possible competition. I don't want to make her jealous because I'm not like that but at the same time I sometimes think being with another girl would help me see things differently. Whether I do this infront of her or not.

I think the above thing has alot to do with me just not understanding females in general in terms of signs and motives.
For instance the other day I was just sitting in college watching a few people play pool, a girls comes up to me and asks me if she can go next. I say yeah of course, then after going and talking to her mates and coming back she tells me its ok and that I can play next if I want, smiling all the time (if this means anything) I was then told by a friend of a friend (female) that she blatantly liked me and that was the reason for the seemingly unecessary contact...now I would have had this feeling underlying but I would never have actually been confident enough in it to act on it in case I was assuming wrong...I just need help understanding...damn...lol, though it's a different topic. Anyone want to coach me?

[loneo]

Just an update,

I feel a little funny about the situation now, as I am not sure if she even likes me anymore.

She barely talked to me the other day, she just chatted to other guys and then came to watch when I was playin ball with some other guys (it's not like she went out of her way to do so, it was in college) I noticed I was being watched alot but I really don't know what shes doing...

I mean is she just being a little distant to push forward the mate idea by not showing me any preference?
...but then she does her minor flirt things with me and I get more confused..

Or could it be that she HAS just lost interest in me, I really don't know anymore and aslking her directly is likely to get a diluted answer...

[WallyLlama]

If it's any consolation, I'm significantly older than you are and I still don't understand women. I do, however, understand some a lot less than others.

I find it interesting that a lot of this seems to center around the girls watching the guys play sports. Since you mentioned her "girly mode" I assume there are other girls involved... what you may be getting is a sort of "peer pressure" thing that will definitely make it hard to figure things out because she's not doing what she wants.

If she won't give you a straight up answer (and may not no it herself, by the way) you are back to the original question I suggested... can you live with the uncertainty and the way things are. You may be waiting for her to "grow up" and there's no telling how long that will take.

[loneo]

I guess I am sortof waiting for her to grow up...

The thing is, before, we fooled around and had fun (you knopw the whole dr sex and humping thing).
It WAS fun, but what got to me was the fact that she couldn't the the boyfriend girlfriend thing, and that uncertainty got to me.

However now I see how things are now, and I would take how they were before in an instant, just being with her is cool, and the relationship thing doesn't seem to bother me so much, as long as I get to be with her, and she said she wouldnt be with anyone else, its just the commitment to saying it that she can't really do...

But the thing is me getting serious on her sort of put us in caution mode and I'm afriad I won't be able to get things back to how they were, which is what I want now since the way things are now just isn't as good...

I'm just not sure if she's lost interest because I got so serious, I guess I'll just try and do what I used to do and see her reaction...

[WallyLlama]

Sounds like a pretty good plan!

[loneo]

well, just reportin an update.

She speakes to me when I'm alone with her, but when around college she will sort of avoid me but at the same time prance around in front of me, it's frustrating.
I'd be sitting there and she'd come with her mates and sit nearby, it's probably not on purpose but it alsmost feels as if it is...
It's like nothing ever happened between us right now and it's really getting to me, conversation is pretty minimal, Hi bye and little bits here and there, and she's a chatty girl so I know theres something up with that. Though she used to be a little more quite around me before even when she was properly into me, makin it kinda hard.
So I guess thats it, can't really do anything if she has lost interest...so no more need to post. Thanks for your help though.

[dazedandconfused]

I didn't read anyones reply to your post. But I know how that is...I've just gone through it. She needs time, it's cool to call her or talk to her on occasion, but give her space, let her know what she's missing. I messed it up in my situation by calling her daily. I know exactly how you feel. You want to do everything with her and for her to love you like you love her. Only way to do that is make plans without her and when you talk to her tell her how fun it was. (you can exaggerate a lil) and maybe she'll wish she was there and pay a lil more attention to you. She knows you like/love her, don't remind her. That's about it...see where it takes ya.

edit: better not be the same girl that I lost...that'll get ya a few broken bones. If her name starts with an R and she lives in a rundown piece of shit town in Ohio, watch out.