Under-confidence and reading signs

[Souljah]

I'm beginning to have some major issues here as far as conversations go...

Have been seeing this girl and really like her, I know I feel stronger about her than she does about me...and this is what seems to make me a little uneasy. Although we have things to talk about I seem to shy away from talking to her especially when her friends are around, but even if shes still walking with me or whatever...we've been up to stuff but its the public stuff that I cant seem to do...

But I can't stop myself from asking things like - "Do you not want me to do that" and "Do you really want me to come along?"

I hear myself saying them and I really wish I hadnt every time. It's a mixture between an inability to read some signs and a general uncertainty about the way things are going I guess, I just really need some help as it's driving me crazy...
From my other threads you may notice I tend to over-analyze things and this is whats really getting me too...

Heres one situation, I was walking her and her friend to the bus stand, expecting to say bye there - she tells me theyre going to a spot in town and she says "You wanna come?".
I didnt have alot to do before haveing to go out at about 8 (it was 5 at this time) so I thought I might as well...thing is I realy thought she was asking out of politeness and not for real, but I still wanted to go along because I was hoping to get a few minutes alone with her, as I hadnt seen her in a while.
But heres the uncertainty part again, I was like "Do you really want me to come?" and she was like "If you want to come then come", whereas I was looking for the "Yeah course I do".

But I still went and tagged along anyway, which in hindsight, seemed a little sad to me...and now makes me wanna call and apologise for being a little odd...but am also afraid of getting too serious on her (You see what I'm like, it's driving me nuts!)

I know this sounds like picking at a really minor point but its just that I tend to notice subtleties AFTER the occur and so it makes me question things too much at the time for fear of missing them, and I wanted to know if it was definately a turn-off to most girls if a guy was being like this, never sure and under-confident, and also possibly not knowing when to 'quit' on certain things....I think one of my main fears is seeming too boring for her and not wanting to leave a situation without having done something at least slightly worthwhile...if that makes sense


Sorry to ramble its just this is really eating me alive right now as all I want to do is see her for a little while but it seems just getting to do that is abit of a task...what I also want help with is when to know to just leave and sort of 'ration' time spent with her for fear of getting tired of eachother...


I know what you're thinking - I've got issues

[WallyLlama]

Issues? No... much of this sounds reasonably "normal."

Whenever we are "taken" with someone it's natural to be overly concerned with how we are viewed, what we say, etc.

I'd caution that you shouldn't MAKE it an issue. Be less concerned about "subtleties" and accept what she says at face value. Since you are aware of the "problem" you are well equipped to stop it.

Two things to consider:

Relationships are supposed to be mutual. It's not only about what she wants; it's also about what you want. If you can't express that, if you can't allow yourself to receive... well, it's not a very healthy relationship.

People who tend to be subordinate sometimes think they are being polite and considerate. Not! When you fail to state your wishes... when you constantly need to know what the other person feels and wants you're actually being selfish. And you're putting unfair stress on the other person because they must now GUESS how you really feel.

So if you come full circle... you'll see that you're making it equally difficult for her to read you and your subtleties. The dance can be exciting... but learn to communicate.

[Souljah]

thanks for that, what you say makes sense, though it's quite different from other advice I've been getting, It's just the relaxing factor thats bothering me now...

Would you say it's a good idea to just call her?
For a chat, trying not to talk about stressful stuff, although I'd like to get some things clear I don't want to over stress her about it...

And I've been told the insecurity can be quite unattractive, I can't say I can get rid of this as this would be changing myself but I can try and make it less obvious...
I just really want to stop seeming like a moany guy when I say "I wanna see you" and stuff like that...I mean them, but perhaps I shouldnt voice it in that way...

[pozzolane]

Ok. This sounds really familiar.

I would say yes, in this case about girls finding insecurities unattractive. They do. The truth is we all do!! Ask yourself if you think being insecure IS attractive? Now there is a difference between self conscience behavior and insecure behavior.

the most important thing to do here is not try to engineer the relationship. You already have your answer to your question! You just need to relax and take things for how they are. Also, to address the issue of when to leave. Leave on a good note. Don't stand around until your both staring at your watch in an awkward silence. Sounds like there might be a slight problem with you putting her before yourself. this is why you can't leave when you want to. Wally is right. Everytime you ask her "do you really want me to?" she then has to do some guessing of her own. She could be sitting at home right now thinking "does he really enjoy my company?" cause everytime you say "do you really want me to?" that makes her think "does he really want to?"

Its like your looking for her to give you an "out". And she won't know if you want to come or if you'll take that "out" offered.

Relax, be yourself, take things at face value, and try to do as I've been doing lately "have faith, learn to trust".

Keep your head up, You'll get it.

[WallyLlama]

Soulmate... Glad my thoughts helped. Sometimes following the same advice over and over only gets the same results. :-)

I'm not sure I understand the question about calling her... but calling - in and of itself - is not a bad idea. It becomes "bad" if you do it constantly and are calling her for your own reassurance.

"I wanna see you," is not moany.

"I wanna see you but do you wanna see me? Are you sure? If you don't feel like that's okay," is moany.

You don't want to get too relaxed. You want the "stress" to be positive energy. Switch it out. Instead of being concerned about you own security, concentrate on her feelings and making her feel good about you. Just avoid crossing the line o where you are using your conversations with her to make you feel good about yourself.

Looking at the example above, most women would enjoy hearing the first statement. They would quickly tire of the expanded example.

I'd see nothing wrong, for example, with attempting to explain to her that she "makes" you "a little nuts" and you find yourself acting like an idiot... ask her to be patient with you.

Done right, that's a huge compliment to her.

As for changing yourself, you can. It's like eating an elephant. A big task that you accomplish a bite at a time. Doing some of the things we are discussing are some bites.

[Souljah]

Thanks wally and pozzo
Both youir comments make alot of sense to me and I will be keeping them in mind...

About the "making me a little nuts" thing, its not too far from the truth as I do feel like that a little when I'm around her, but the time I'd gone without seeing her had also played a big part in it...
Also, in reflecting on that day, I had a big thing going down at training that I WAS a little nervous about, a tryout. And I always found that being with a girl in any sort of intimate way sort of helped because it calmed my nerves, I could try and explain this to her but it will seem a little selfish - but it didnt take away from the fact that I did really want to spend some time alone with her and this tryout wasnt the reason, but the nerves contributed to my oddness.

I didnt go as far as the expanded statement you mentioned wally, just when asking about when we would be able to do something next, she told me week after next, and I was like "I just wanna see you" after which she moved the date up to next week. This is the part that I thought seemed moany. But its too late now, I'll just have to see how it goes, was going to call her yesterday but got caught up, will call her tonight...

[soulmates82]

if one of your buddies was going to go dirt biking and asked you if you wanted to go too, would you have any reason to doubt he wanted you to go along? if you didnt feel like going would you go anyway cuz it would seem rude to refuse his invite?
if you wanted to hang out with your buddy, would you go see what he was doing and see if you two maybe could hang out together for a while? if he wasnt really into hanging out would you stick around anyway?
its the same deal here only this friend is a gal. nothing is any different except there will be times when this "friend" and you will be physically intimate with each other.
if you want to have a life-long relationship with someone, you and that person need to be friends who enjoy spending time together, enjoy each others company, enjoy similiar interests you two can spend time togeher doing, you have both got to have other friends to hang out with, you both have to respect each other for the individualy person they are. you cant expect them to make changes to themselves simply to please you. you can not be expeced to change who you are because someone else wants you to. when you want to do something you are happy to do it. you cant force someone into somthing and then demand thy be happy to have had no choice but to have meet your demands.

[Souljah]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]if one of your buddies was going to go dirt biking and asked you if you wanted to go too, would you have any reason to doubt he wanted you to go along? if you didnt feel like going would you go anyway cuz it would seem rude to refuse his invite?
if you wanted to hang out with your buddy, would you go see what he was doing and see if you two maybe could hang out together for a while? if he wasnt really into hanging out would you stick around anyway?

You know that is probably the best example you could have given to point out that advice, thanks alot!

But it's too l8 now, I purposefully got a little serious on her to see how she would react and she pushed me away, though it's for the best, still feel a little down about it