Should I push it or stand back and wait

[Souljah]

Hi

Have been seeing this girl for a few weeks properly, but have been interested in eachother for a few months...

She said she doesnt want to have sex...because of fear mainly, which I respect. Thought the other day we were fooling around and because she said this I was reluctant to go low with my hands...She's a virgin, I'm not, I know it's a big deal for her which is why I'm so cautious about it.

I just felt like a fool though, here I am, down to my boxers and this girls like fully clothed...at the time it felt like nothing but afterward it felt like wtf? (Sounds shallow I know but I was the one who felt a little played)

She kept making excuses like "I dont want to go all out on you because I wouldnt be able to stop myself", I doubt this has any truth and sounded a little like scared talk to me.
Plus the constant reference to previous guys she'd 'almost' done it with seemed a little suspect as well as being abit of a turn-off...

Sorry to ramble
What I would like to know, or get advice on is whether I should push forward or just let it be with the kissing and stuff for now...?

Thanks for any help

[WallyLlama]

Very interesting question and a difficult one to answer.

Half the fun of "courtship" is often the mysteries and the discoveries. I think a key here is when the question comes up and when it is dealt with.

Hint: you should have more than your boxers on if you're going to discuss sex with her.

You have many alternatives and options. One is to stop "trying" and see how she reacts. If (when?) she wonders what's going on, simply announce that you are honoring her wishes. I'd have to agree that it does sound like she's "playing" with you a bit, and it's possible that her real wish is repeatedly having the opportunity to say "no." (If she had you down to your boxers, that increases the odds that's what's going on.)

It's also possible that the other guy reference (as well as the "won't be able to stop&quot is her way of assuring you she is sexual, just not ready.

A fully clothed conversation might clear things up. She may need to hear that you respect her virginity, but also need her to respect your desire. (She should, since her comments suggest she's got some pretty strong desire herself.) You both need to figure out how you are going to (no pun intended) handle your desires.

[Souljah]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]It's also possible that the other guy reference (as well as the "won't be able to stop&quot is her way of assuring you she is sexual, just not ready

Yeah this makes abit of sense, thanks...

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]Hint: you should have more than your boxers on if you're going to discuss sex with her.

Lol yeah but it was HER that got me down to them, I wanted to, of course, but she was the one stripping me...which just confused me when all she seemed to want was dry sex and kissing.
She lay on me afterward and we were talking about it...which was when she kept mentioning the previous guys and the not being able to stop, and your point that I previousy quoted seems to help in possibly understanding this...I just couldnt see what she expected me to do given these factors, I meanif I took charge I'd feel it was against her subconscious will, and I can be relatively sure that we probably would have gone all the way if I had done...

She even told me to be creative when we were doing stuff...but I don't see hoe creative I can be when she's fully clothed...and like I said, this just seemed to lead me away from wanting to go below, because given her unwillingness to get undressed, it didnt seem likely to work...

Like I said, we did sort of talk about what she wanted to do, but it just came to the not wanting to have sex, fear, previous guys and not being able to stop convo...I'm just really confused by the whole thing, though I think I'll just see how it goes next time...

Sorry to ramble and thanks for the help

[mmparks]

Oh.. and you do know there are other ways to be sexual without penetration.. right?? Is she up for any of that?

I was a virgin till I was 24 by choice... a hard thing to do sometimes. I had college and etc.. you get the idea.. BUT I can see how she would want to reassure you of her sexuality by saying that kind of thing too. I also agree that you need a fully clothed conversation about all of this.

I DO have a problem with women who tease a guy to death, strip them as youve described, and suddenly say no. I mean YES, we have the right to say no.. but why make the guy go through the blue balls of torture? Never understood this.

[Souljah]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]Oh.. and you do know there are other ways to be sexual without penetration.. right?? * Is she up for any of that?

Well, as it goes that was gonna be my next step of enquiry lol, but I aint bein stripped at all if I don't get anything in except intimate kisses...I hope I can stick to this lol

Care to give me some ideas???

I've just never been in a situation like this, which is why I'm so confused...all the girls I've ever been with have been straight to the point though none were virgins...

If it is just that she isn't ready, its fine with me, I mean, I've liked her a loong time and its definately not just about getting busy with her for me, but I *need to know what she wants because she also told me she doesnt want to get dead serious either...which is also fine, i guess...as long as shes with me....but leaves me a little puzzled as to what exactly she does want from me, and this is what I guess I need to question next time

[mmparks]

Im not sure how youd approach the subject with your GF... maybe others can help out with that. But there is mutual mastubation, oral sex, etc that can bring you both to orgasm without breaking a hymen

I think its GREAT youre respecting her wishes the way you are. Once she actually realizes that, things will probably go a lot smoother for you both.

Best of luck to you!!

[lilly2279]

It would make me crazy if I got down to my panties with a guy and we couldn't go any further.

I think in her unexperienced way she is trying to please you, without going all the way. Maybe she does not realize she is actually torturing you. I'm sure she think that if she does get naked, the less clothes she has between her and your bodies, the less her reserve will be. That is understandable.

Yeah, she may have gone this far with other guys. And perhaps she is telling you this because they got tired of the game and left her. Maybe she says that because she is afraid you will also not want to keep her wishes to wait and will leave also?

I hope that's the deal and she's not just a total tease!!

[WallyLlama]

You are right not to be forceful.

It is a confusing situation and I think there are some red flags.

It doesn't make sense that she's afraid, etc. and inexperienced and is ripping your clothes off. I'd say if this has been something she's been through with "other guys" that the issue has been confronted... one of those guys must have offered some suggestions and alternatives.

Confront this, not in a head on negative way.

Leave your clothes on and find out what gives.

My instincts are something ain't right.

Frankly, I knew a girl like her once. She had some major problems... a lot of her fear and innocence was a coping mechanism for some deeper issues. Not saying that is the case here, but when things don't add up... well, they don't add up.

[Souljah]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]Yeah, she may have gone this far with other guys. *And perhaps she is telling you this because they got tired of the game and left her. *Maybe she says that because she is afraid you will also not want to keep her wishes to wait and will leave also?

Funny you say this because in that conversation she mentioned how things got bad after she went that far and didnt want it to happen again...

Saw her again, but didnt bother with retrying it or even questioning it this time, instead just took it easy, just hung out with her, cinema, then held her and stuff while taking in a view before driving her home, nothing big, but nothing intense either...just felt cool, got an appreciative message later that day about it too, which felt nice to know it wasnt too dull for her and that the flow seemed cool for her too

I just didnt want every time I see her to be thinking about stressful stuff and just make things alittle more casual so that it wouldnt seem to intense for her, felt better for laying off it too...If the situation recreates itself which I'm sure it will, I'll deal with it then, otherwise I think I'm just gonna lay back and take things as they come for now...
Partially because I dont want to scare her off by seeming a lil desperate and needy, and by always focusing on progress, but also because I really just like her company and thats all that matters right now, the rest will come

Thanks for the comments and help, theyve really helped

[lilly2279]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (Souljah @ April 07 2005,07:37)]but also because I really just like her company and thats all that matters right now, the rest will come

You are awesome. What a mature choice!

I think she is so lucky to have found you. Getting to know her and spending time with her is great. When she's ready, she will let you know.

Thanks so much for updating us!