new guy

[d_chick]

First post, looking for advice (obviously ).

So I just had a first date with a guy, but it was with his group of friends. I've never been on a group date as a first date, so I don't really know the protocal. I'm pretty sure he was into me before the date, and then during the date we were flirty, but it wasn't anything particularly date like. I mean, I just felt like I was hanging out with a new group of friends. He also didn't kiss me or do anything else physical, which could have been because 1. we were with his friends and 2. he was being polite and not rushing things, but it also could have been because he just wasn't into me.

So basically, I don't know what to think. I'm actually really into him (which might be because he didn't act like he was super into me and increases the whole "chase" aspect, but that's a whole other issue), and I don't know what my move should be. I was thinking about sending him a text message (I'm in a country where texting is much more common than it is in the states), but maybe I should wait for him to make the move. I mean, if he's not into me, I'd still want to have him and his friends as my friends because they're all really cool people, so I don't want to freak him out by being too outwardly into him.

I figure I'm just going to wait and see if he calls, but I really hate waiting and am not a very patient person generally when it come to circumstances like this.

Any insight or advice?

[Rawbob]

Hi and WELCOME!

This is and EASY one! Don't wait on him, just go ahead and call him and say: "Hi, <his name> this is <your name.> I jsut wanted to call and tell you i had fun the other nite with you and your friends. They seem like a great group.....and i was also wondering if you would for just the 2 of us to get together for a movie or something to eat?"

Don't wait.....and don't let your first impression be too molded by his friends...take the initiative!

[oberon]

I agree with Rawbob. Common courtesy is at least to thank him for the evening together. Just let him know you really had a good time and would be open to an evening together again... preferably alone.

[d_chick]

Interesting. And you all don't think that it would be something of a turn off for a guy to have the girl call first?

Caveat: I'm also in a country that still has quite a bit of machismo, and I don't know how that translates into relationships.

I'll admit though: I'm afraid of rejection.

[oberon]

Ah, D_chick, you HAVE gotten advice from the two outspoken gay guys on the board... we tend to admire strong women. *

Seriously, I don't think calling him to say "thanks" for the evening should damage his male ego. *At least, if you've done that, you let him know that you had a good time and are still interested. *I mean, if he DOESN'T hear from you, might he think that you don't want to see him again? *

Just call to say thanks for the evening, and see how it goes from there. * If he does want to see you again, he should be thrilled. *And if he doesn't, well, then you haven't really lost anything, have you?

Good luck.

[d_chick]

Thanks guys, I sacked up and sent a text. I didn't call only because calling is generally considered here sort of out of the ordinary and texting is definitely the way of life for gen-Xers and younger.

I didn't ask him out again, leaving that to him (which does go against my feminist nature, but social norms occasionally do need to be followed). He texted me back right away, nothing solid planned, but it seemed like a positive text, so we'll see where it goes!

Thanks again for the push I needed!

[oberon]

YAY! Congratulations. Have fun.

[WallyLlama]

Well, I'll take something of a minority position and suggest "slow down" for two reasons.

1. You say in your original post that you "hate waiting" and are "not a very patient person." Well, dear, you need to remember that this is not just about you. In my opinion, the best relationships grow fundamentally naturally... they are not driven by one partner. If you poke around the board some, you'll find other situations where relationships are stressed because one partner wants the relationship labelled and identified before the other is ready.

2. I think you have to be sensitive to your culture and his view of it. "Machismo" cultures often tend to be somewhat traditional and conservative. I'm not debating whether or not that's "right," but suggesting that the nature of your first date suggests he's going to take it slow. That may be traditional and old fashioned, but it can also damn romantic and healthy.

Acquaintance, friendship, buddies, lovers, soul-mates... I'm not suggesting you shouldn't call or "text" and take an active role. I am suggesting you should be more concerned with what he thinks than what other people think.

[d_chick]

Thanks Wally...I was hoping for a minority opinion.

Basically I was in the sort of euphoric, good-first-date mood when I first posted but I have since then calmed down a little. I'm actually leaving the country relatively soon (certainly before anything very serious can occur, imo), so I think I'll just let him dictate the terms of our whatever. If something happens, wonderful; if not, I had fun anyway.

Thanks again to everyone for their advice!

[WallyLlama]

You're welcome!

The next time you're feeling euphoric (what a great word) remember...

there's nothing wrong with - and a lot to be said for - delayed gratification.