masturbating in a relationship

[kulaschula911]

Ok, so here's my take on it...

I love my bf so much that I dont want to do things by myself without him taking part. To me, masturbation feels 'empty' when I do things by myself and I just feel so incredibly lonely during and after it (like I don't want to do it anyway). So I avoid it, even when I really want to do stuff (say, when he doesn't), and instead I put my energy into a great sex life which pleases not just me, but my bf aswell, when we both feel like we want to do things. I kind of term it as 'saving myself' (like my sexual energy and cravings) for when I make love with my bf. To me, it feels like such a better experience. *

So, when my bf doesnt do the same or doesn't feel the need to do that (and he's no duracel bunny!), I feel like I'm the only one taking the whole act of lovemaking seriously. Even with the prospect of having a great night together the same day, and me stating that I'm not comfortable with it, he still goes ahead and masturbates (he says its a primal urge thing- and yes, I do believe in this, but to me, its more than that now that we'r in a relationship and he says he loves me. Plus, if he saved and focused his energy on 'us' instead of 'himself' wouldn't that be more rewarding? - it is for me).

I know I may sound a little crazy to you guys out there...god knows its probably really deep past experiences that have made me regard 'sex' with such caution (I lost my virginity to this guy, he's the only guy I've ever loved).And I must stress that I don't want to 'stop' him from masterbating, I just feel kind of offended and dissapointed that he doesn't choose to do things with me instead of himself all the time (after all, its not like *I* don't make *him* come during sex, its the other way around). *

I would really like to hear different perspectives on this. Thank you

[Alspals69]

Hi Kula,

I think this is always a tricky one. I know exactly what youmean. As a man i also know what your boyfriend means too. I think men and ladies are just different. I kinda wonder if this is a regular occurance or just occasionally. I might be more worried if it happened all the time. Otherwise yu may just have to try put it to one side.

I bet it won't be easy though.

[demonbuttercup]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (kulaschula911 @ Mar. 08 2005,15:20)]And I must stress that I don't want to 'stop' him from masterbating, I just feel kind of offended and dissapointed that he doesn't choose to do things with me instead of himself all the time (after all, its not like *I* don't make *him* come during sex, its the other way around). *

Well to me that sounds like you are.
And what is w/ that last statement?
Maybe you are jealous that he can cum either with or w/out you, and you can't either way. (Sorry if that was harsh, b/c I am one of the lucky women who can orgasm with not too much effort, tho I do need clitoral stimulation.)

I mean I don't know how often your b/f masturbates... does he do it constantly? Does he do it instead of having sex w/ you? Does he say... Oh we can't have sex... I just masturbated?
I personally enjoy it. Which, everyone is different and you don't have to enjoy.. some women don't
I enjoy it sometimes b/c my boyfriend and I have totally different schedules so I don't feel bad if he feels the need to masturbate... Im sure he probably does it more than I do.
Sometimes before I go to bed, I want that "release" and "relaxation" but I don't want to spend the time and energy. I don't know, maybe thats weird. So Ill just grab my vibe and I can be done and ready for bed in less than 3 minutes lol.

When I masturbate, I don't really think of it as "sex", I guess you could say. I'm not emotionally attached to it, or feel emotions towards myself.
I just don't you should pressure your b/f to do something he isn't comfortable with. If you aren't comfortable with it, just ask that he not do it in front of you... or allow to interfer with your sex life. It can compliment your sex life tho.

[kulaschula911]

Hey, thanks for replying Alspals n demon.

(discounting the last statement- I was quite upset when I wrote that), I can cum pretty much all the time if I want to by myself, it actually feels better than when I'm with my bf . The point I was stressing was: why would he feel (like, from a man's perspective) the need to do it himself if he's got me there? I guess, if I ever felt like that, then I wouldn't be with him because I wouldn't 'need' him (well, thats coming from a womans perspective).

I haven't yet cum during 'sex', although I can during oral. Thats only because he always cum's too early, and this stops me from getting myself anywhere because I'm unable to relax and enjoy myself - its so distracting thinking about *'when's he going to cum' all the time. *
So I guess that I am a little sexually frustrated at the moment - hell, I just want a man to know what he's doing - and this could easily be perceived as jealousy.

He doesn't masturbate constantly or that often (to my knowledge), and if he wants to do this, then fair dos. But I'd rather take a man/my bf over myself any day, even if the end results not as good.

[Rawbob]

Well....now the cat's out of the bag!

Why didn't you just say: "I'm very frustarted with my boyfriend. We have great sex, but because he cums so quickly, i don't get to orgasm....so, when i see him or find out he masturbated that day or is mastrubating, i get frustrated because i'd rather have him make love to me (and try to have an orgasm) then to just jack off."

It sounds like you are a bit envious of his ablity to achieve orgasm both by mastrubation AND during sex with you...but you, for some self-centered reason, have STOPPED masturbating = the only form of achieving orgasm you have at your disposal.

So, my advice - have a mutual masturbation session. Let him watch you masturbate so he can see HOW you pleasure yourself to orgasm. Trust me, there is NO BOOK, NO PILL no magic want that makes someone a good lover - it takes communication.

SO, take this "frustration" and turn it into a way to deepen your love, affection and sexual technique - you watch him mastrubate and he'll watch you. I GUARANTEE if you can just watch each otehr you'll learn VOLUMES about what feels good.

NO ONE is going to say that masturbation feels any where NEAR as good as making love wiht your spouse/lover/significant other - so, don't elevate mastrubation as a form of lovemaking.

[Alspals69]

Wow, i don't read Kulas messages that way at all.

I think sometimes it is too easy to get involved in deep analysis of peoples motives from very limited info.

[monie]

Well I can tell youre frustrated. I honestly think its just because you have a very strong connection between physical pleasure and emotion. Since you are in an intimate relationship, you feel you want all your physical pleasures to come from the guy you are with.

This is pretty common with women, which is why many stop maturbating when in a relationship. However, this is not common for men. Men view the physical pleasures acheived in sex with their partner differently than they view those acheived while masturbating. From what I know men often masturbate as a way to "scratch that itch" so to speak.

Lets face it, sex takes a lot more effort than masturbation. Perhaps your bf gets that "itch" in the middle of the night and simply doesnt wanna bother you when he could just take care of it himself. I honestly do not think it has anything to do with you whatsoever. Dont worry about it so much.

[WallyLlama]

Two observations:

1. Guys are different than gals, particularly on the topic of masterbation. Most guys see it as a purely physical act... relatively effortless "sex" that provides pleasure and relief without much complication. It's not like we have a meaningful relationship with our hand.

2. The amount of masterbating a guy does has very little correlation to his ability in the sack. Although,in this case some additional masterbation might actually be helpful if he "cums too quick." But beyond that, I'd say his masterbation habits have very little to do with the quality of sex with a partner -- unless the partner makes it an issue.

Yes, sometimes we "over-analyze," but sometimes we also allow issues to overlap that really aren't related, too.

[kulaschula911]

Man you guys are good! Thanks for all your comments, you've eased a lot of worries. X

[moose_hd]

I think the truth is that practically every man masturbates with some regularity. Perhaps it is some sort of instinct to keep the prostate in top condition (i.e. batteries well charged.) Being in a relationship or being in love doesn't change this. It is nothing personal and you aren't doing anything wrong. It's not like he's choosing to avoid you so he can masturbate - they are exclusive activities and there's a problem only when they interfere with one another.

In my own relationship, masturbating is actually quite important because we do not live close together. She expects me to masturbate to her regularly and then for me to tell her how much I enjoyed it. Also she enjoys it greatly when I tell her how I want her to masturbate and what toys she should use, where she should touch herself, etc. The best is phone sex because she loves it when I tell her what to do to herself.

Perhaps you should instruct him to masturbate to you and then report back on how good it was?