whats goin on?

[lep]

Ok this has got me really confused. Probably gonna sound really stupid but this whole thing is eating me up so here goes.

Last january i had a fling with a girl I met at a party. It only lasted a couple of weeks but after that we remained really good friends, and started hanging around with her social group and made some good friends there too. At the time her best friend was involved in a long term relationship and although we got on I never really thought about her in any other way than just mates. Over the summer i had some problems and threw myself into work and didn't see anyone for a while. By the time i came back and started going out again she had split up with her boyfriend, and we started getting on really well together, and i started seeing her in a different way, although i was too scared to do anything about it. Anyway towards the end of August last year we started texting each other and talking and i started getting the idea that maybe she liked me too. Eventually we went and at the end of the evening she asked if it was ok to crash at mine because she didn't want to wake her family up when she got home. I said ok but as I was living in the pub where I worked at the time we had to sleep in the same bed as she wasn't really supposed to be there and i couldn't let my boss know that she was there. We both went to bed fully clothed - I thought if I was reading it all wrong then I could still pass that off as friends. She ended up making the first move and kissed me, and we ended up having sex. After that we started seeing each other seriously, and after a few weeks we went on a camping holiday together. We both agreed that at the end of our week away we would decide whether or not there was any future for us and whether we would continue or call it a day. I was already having quite strong feelings for her, and was overjoyed when she told me that she was for me too. Things were great for a while, and i fell in love in a big way. In October she moved into a flat with a friend, and I helped her move and organised her housewarming party for her in November, and really went to town on it. Sound system, professional lighting and decor, top local dj's, the works. About two days after the party, she called me and said we needed to talk, but it wasn't important and i didn't need to worry, so of course I spent all night and all the next day worrying my arse off. When I saw her the next evening, she told me that she didn't want to be in a relationship right now, but she still wanted to see me, just without the comitment. She wanted to be single. I had a really hard time with that, but I decided that it was worth a try, and I would give it a go. It was a bit weird for a couple of days but then it seemed to be ok. Then the day before my birthday she called me and asked me to come over on my lunchbreak, as she wasn't feeling well. So i went to see her and she told me it was all over, but we should still be friends and think about the fun times we had together. She had bought tickets to a big clubnight for my birthday present, but because of what had happened she thought it was better if we didn't go together, and gave my ticket to one of my best friends (female). I was really depressed and went out for the next couple of weeks and did some rather stupid things, including kissing one of my other friends (also female), on the same night we ended up sleeping together. The next morning was really awkward and i left. After that I tried to make a concerted effort to be able to get along with her as we both have the same friends and I didn't want to have an atmosphere when we were out. We went to another night in london just before christmas, and spent most of the night together, and two days afterwards. I explained to her that this was ok and she wasn't messing me about, as i didn't expect anything to come of it. I knew nothing had changed, and it was just easier to let things happen if they were going to than have awkward situations. On boxing day I was invited to her parents for drinks in the afternoon, and we wnet out in the evening with some friends to a club, and ended up seeing each other again, although it was made clear that we weren't in a relationship. I spent until the week before last staying with her, until she decided that she felt like we were in a relationship again, and called it all off. This was less than two weeks after she told me that she was happy with the way things were going, and she felt like she was falling for me all over again, but it was much stronger this time. I left in the middle of the night and for various reasons slept in the car which was freezing. I sent a text message in the morning offering the trade of a lift to work for a cup of tea and the chance to get changed in the warm and warm up for a bit to which she responded ok. When i went in, she was very ill, and had decided to take the day off work. I stayed with her for the day to look after her as she was in a real state. In the evening i told her I was going to wait for her flatate to come home so that she could keep an eye on her and then I was going to leave, but she told me that she wanted me to stay. I then spent the next week looking after her, and everything was back to how it was before. Tuesday last week I left explaining that i wouldn't be able to see her for a while after that as I had to go home and couldn't afford the fuel to come back over for a while. I actually ended up going to a friends house just round the corner who had offered to lend me some money for fuel if I came and saw her, and ended up stayimng there for a few days. During this period we spoke on the phone every day, sent text messages and everything seemed to be normal again, however everybody came round one evening for a social and she came too. I gave her a kiss and we chatted about what we'd been up to, and sat on the sofa cuddling, but when i tried to kiss her again she fobbed me off and moved her head away. The next evening we met up, and she explained to me that nothing had changed and it was all over, but she still cares about me and feels comfortable to be able to sit and chat with me and cuddle up. Since then we have spoken on the phone most days, but it has been quite strained and I don't know what to say to her anymore.

Well thats the long and the short of it. Anybody got any guesses whats going on in her head? It seems to me that she always gets uncomfortable when things seem to be going well, and tries to get out before she gets hurt, but I don't know why? Should I keep trying? I really love this girl, and although everyone keeps telling me that it isn't worth all the agro I still keep putting myself through it.

[-kythulhu-]

hmm... although it wasn't the same situation, i've been in that sort of positon. things would be good, but then for some reason, i'd get weirded out and couldn't be around my boyfriend at the time. and this has happened in every relationship i've been in, except for my current one.

anyway, i think she just needs to sit back and really think about what she wants. if she's letting something small get to her, then she should face it. i don't know if that's the case, but it was for me.

while she's figuring out what she wants, i would suggest just being a friend and being there for her; show her that you're there. but i wouldn't let anything go past friendship, otherwise you'll probably end up in the same boat you're in now.

hope this helped, and good luck.

[LittleFury]

Could also be that it's hard for her to let you go. I would actually suggest that maybe you and ehr take a real break, you know, not see each other, not talk, maybe a shrot email once in a while, that way you can both figure out what you want and maybe both can cool off. I know it's hard, but cold turkey sometimes is the best way.

[WallyLlama]

I confess I got "lost" several times reading the history...

I'm left with two impressions:

1. This is a "way out of balance" relationship in which he does for her (including nurse-mate for a week) and she gets uncomfortable with the relationship when she doesn't need him. IMHO, too much of this story has a "look what I did for her" theme. Nothing wrong with doing, but a healthy relationship puts the members on more equal footing.

2. It's not clear to me what the "issue" is... it appears to be something about "commitment." Sometimes relationships get spoiled in the early stages because one of the involved (or even both) get too busy trying to "define" things.

There are lots of possibile theories... including the fact that she decides "no relationship" when she no longer needs his services... I'll bet the answer lies somewhere in getting the relationship in balance. Instead of chasing her and taking responsbility for her, try "needing" and "wanting" her and see what happens.

Sometimes people wanting to be "single" are really saying that they want independence and a degree of control over what they do... if you can allow that and still maintain a relationship it may bode well for the future.

Sometimes it's simply a case of trying too hard.