Relationship Problems :(

[blueshark]

I am posting this on behalf of a good friend who does not have reliable internet access. She is searching for help and advice.

Following is her story.

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]
Well, I feel like my insides are churning, and I have goosebumps because I am nervous.

Let's start from the beginning..
I've been dating someone for 10 months.
I've always known that he is a very flirty individual.
Sometimes he is conscious of it, sometimes he is not.
Since he's been with me he's realized that some of it is a problem.
He's tried to stop some things. I do trust that they are done with.

However....two days ago he talked to this girl. She told him that eventually I will feel the need to be 'free' and explore life as a 'young woman'.
Since then, he's become insecure in the fact that I will stay with him.

It is very fucked up because all the time I've known him, he came across like a very secure, confident, and blunt guy. He's 24 and has already gone through the first of many existential phases of 'maturing'.

Now he's telling me that he thinks he'll lose me because I'll change my mind about him.

Then he goes on to tell me that nothing I say will make it better because "I don't know the things he does".
He's telling me he's not good enough for me and he doesn't deserve me because of it.
He also told me it has to do with the flirting issue.
We have already discussed this and the need to flirt with him is to ensure that he will not 'be alone'. So even if him and I don't work out, he has a 'back up'.
That's the exact problem. As long as he has this need for a 'back up', I don't think he'll ever be able to make a commitment, even though he sounds very committed to us.......it's what you DO that matters.

Him: if you only knew the things I do.
Me: ......
Me: what?
Him: exactly.
Him: you don't know .
Me: i don't?
Him: and that's why I can tell you .. I don't deserve you,
Me: what did you do?
Him: I've dishonored you ..& myself.
Him: I feel like shit.
Me: What did you DO?
Him: I've been hidding things from you that relate to other girls..
Him: and I know they are not right for me to do.
Me: What are the things you have been hiding?
Him: this is related to the flirting issue.


He had to go after that, so now I'm waiting for him to get back.
Mind you, I probably already know all the things he does relating to other girls...so none of it will neccesarily 'shock' me.

Unless he cheated on me, I wouldn't just leave him. He is a really good guy...different...(but the same in a typical guy way sometimes-what did I expect lol)

I don't know what to do. How can I assure him that I still have faith in him?

If this is something that is really bothering him too, he would try to change.

I just don't know what to say to him.


PS. I just really hate this beating around the bush thing that he's doing.
I'm asking him what he did, but he won't answer directly.

We both thank you for reading it

[Alspals69]

Quite honestly, I think it is really unfair of him to tell you this and then leave you high and dry.

Now he has started, he needs to cut to the chase and tell you whats been going on.

If he did this to me and didn't tell all, I would not be wasting too much time on him. I suspect he wouldn't get much of my time anyway.

Having said that, you speek very highly of him and presumably you are in a far better position to judge him than I.

[finewine]

Why do you think he is not telling you? What is his motivation for not telling you? Put yourself in his shoes and tell me.

[LittleFury]

I got a sec, cuase I got a starving bear on my butt, but I think she would be better off without him.

[WallyLlama]

I tried to look at this from several angles and I see several possibilities:

1. He's trying to dump her while making it sound like he's the bad guy. It's called "letting her down gently."

2. He's using the whole "flirting" issue as a way of keeping commitment out of the relationship (possibly with some help from the woman he recently met). I don't know that doing so necessarily makes him a bad person; it just suggests two people viewing their relationship differently.

3. This is a relationship that sounds WAY out of balance. She writes of him in a way that is somewhat patronizing, as if she is mature and he is making progress, etc. It is particularly interesting that she's concluded that she thinks the problem is his fear she's going to dump him when he's the one flirting with other women. That does not sound like a guy who's afraid of getting dumped! "Oh I'm insecure in my relationship so I think I go flirt with other women so I have a back up!" That's not especially logical for a 24 year old.

Hmmm... or maybe it's a combination of all three. It's definitely a situation where if I could talk to her, the question I would insist she answer is:

"What are you contributing to the problem?"

and the question I would ask him is,

"Just how much would it bother you if she did dump you?"

[finewine]

That's an interesting insight about a man and flirting.
Women will flirt either way: to gain a confidence in themselves and also because they are confident in themselves and know that the guy will take a bite...
It just depends on where the woman is at emotionally with her self-worth.
Men don't flirt to make sure they still got it? I guess maybe not at 24 but then if it is a chronic thing maybe he does.

Women can also be very manipulating and controlling and try to break up couples for the shear power of being able to do it in their own selfishness.

[vagabondprince]

It sounds like wally's idea was pretty close to what i'm seeing. It seems he may be trying to scare her off. He's making it sound like he's no good and that he may have done something unfaithful (whatever he's hinting at in their convo). He may be trying to get her to break up with him. It's basically a passive aggressive way to get things done.

Another scenario could be that he did more than flirt with one of these other girls, as in he may have cheated, and he has a guilty conscience about it.

Whether either one of these is the case, i don't think he's flirting just so he has a back-up. he may be trying to find someone to replace her, without the notion that she will soon end the relationship. Something kind of like fishing...you catch one, and it's nice so you keep it in the cage, but you keep fishing for a bigger one.

For the most part, guys have specific goals in flirting. it's less to boost their self esteem or to flaunt their high self esteem, and more looking for someone to hook up with.

[finewine]

That's an interesting insight about guys and fishing....
I've seen that happen... I've just never put it into words said or written quite so well, prince.

What is it that motivates the guy to look for bigger fish?

Girls will also flirt to meet interesting people and hook-up. We love conversation and connecting.

I don't know of any that want bigger fish... though with human nature being constant, I'm sure there are girls out there like that somewhere.

[WallyLlama]

I am, I think, a well established and experienced flirter. I'd have to say that I think we sometimes read WAY too much into this business of flirting.

I've been known to flirt with "little old ladies" and I can assure you that in this case, it's not about looking for a bigger fish to hook up with! LOL

Flirting is fun. It might just be about the fun.

Flirting (usually!) makes the other person feel good about him or herself.

Flirting can be (forget the little old lady for a minute LOL) a simple acknowledgement of sexual tension. The nice thing is it's a positive acknowledgement. However spoken or unspoken, "I find you attractive," is hardly among the worse things you can say to another.

In the interest of not getting too far off topic... I think Finewine's mention of "self-worth" is an important part of the formula. In the original post, the issues are not flirting... the issues are relationship and self-worth issues.

[finewine]

yup, flirting can be lots of fun... There needs to be more fun in life, I think.