A bit screwed up right now

[SMPL17]

Alright, well me and this girl have been going out for 3 months this sunday. Oddly enough the day of the superbowl. Shes a very family oriented person, shy too. We seem to have some things that connected like penut butter and jelly. Some things we connect as much as night and day do. There has been some wierd things happening as of late. She had been so wierd about meeting my friends for the first two months we were dating. Been thinking if it would be even worthwhile to still have my buds meet her, I mean seriously it seems so odd for a girl to not want to meet a b/fs buds for such a long time. I always seem to give her calls and invite to do stuff with her. She never really initiates much, but everytime we talk we talk for hours on end. And everytime we do stuff together we seem to have lots and lots of fun. When I initiate stuff and call her its like we were a match made in heaven. Recently I have talked to her about how the relationship has been so one sided, she got wierd and blammed it on her stress in her life. Well actually she always does when we try to talk things out. If it isn't that, she goes into this whole episode of o I wish things were like they used to be and goes on telling a sad story about her past before me. Today I talked to her about how she always keeps saying how do I know this one girls name in class, acting like I like her or somethin. Heck i told her the only reason I remember the dang girls name is because that is the name of the head person in one of my favorite animes of all time . She went all like you worry too much, and that if there was something matter she would tell me. Yet she keeps acting like there is something wrong yet doesnt tell me. She has this thinking that I am going to dump her too, dunno maybe I should maybe I shouldn't.

[stew09]

just assure her that she's your girl. she may be cheating on you because of her own insecurities and think she's going to be hurt by you. let her know what's up and comfort her if she's stressed. find out what she is stressed about and try to assist her in her problems.

[SMPL17]

Thinking about it, we both might have some insecurities. One time when I was mad at her about some stuff, kinda stupid stuff too to get mad at and I said we needed to talk, I didn't even explain what I was mad of till we actually sat down face to face to talk. She actually thought I was going to break up with her that night, she thought I was going to be really mad at her and break up with her for just for telling me what she had thought. Why she thought that I am not sure, I wasn't mad at her for expressing how she felt. Actually no where near, she was as open to me for once as I am to her. Dunno, I am personally a very kind caring person who has treated her quite well and respectively as a b/f just to say so that u's people don't take it that I am a bad person at all.

[WallyLlama]

Stew, it's not my intention to p**s you off, but I'd ask you to realize that just because you've recently been cheated on, that doesn't mean every relationship problem is because the gf is cheating! You're introducing that idea in just about every post you make and it's a little, well, obsessive.

SMP, three months is not exactly a long term relationship, particularly if you're not spending huge amounts of time together. Some of this could simply be the usual "dating jitters" and the fact that you are both still negotiating your roles with each other. As for not wanting to meet your friends, she could be simply shy.

Learning how to treat each other... when to initiate and when to follow are not necessarily things that come naturally.

Your second post seems to report an example of it working, you were both able to talk to each other calmly with positive results. My simple advice is don't over-complicate things and read too much into her behavior. Take it a day at a time.

I think Stew's advice to ask her what's stressing her is not a bad idea, but I'd caution you not to take too much of her stress on and become her therapist. Also, don't forget that stress or no stress, you have both have rights in the relationship. Ultimately, this is all about learning how to treat each other. Don't let her run from healthy things (like meeting some of your friends) because she is stressed. That's not right for her and it's not fair to you.

[finewine]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (SMPL17 @ Feb. 01 2005,18:15)]
She actually thought I was going to break up with her that night, she thought I was going to be really mad at her and break up with her for just for telling me what she had thought.

Insecurities are symptoms of fear. *
Ask her what she is afraid of deeper than you breaking up with her. Let her know that you love her more for telling you what she thinks because you value very much what she thinks. Take time to think about why you are afraid and work it out together with open communication.
Perfect love casts out all fear. *

[SMPL17]

True it could be fear. Then again, for some reason me girl seems to fear a lot of things. Heck, she even feared when we first started dating that if my mom were to find out that we were making out in my room that my mom would think she was a slut or something and not want me to date her or some crud like that. It's like o god common were adults (18), so we would be making out why would my mom care I'm an adult I don't think my parents would be making any of my decisions on who I go out with. Ehh, yea I so do not feel like becoming a therapist of anyone right now. Question, what if she becomes so afraid that she never wants to meet my friends, but still wants to date me? Seriously, I've met her friends and I wasn't scared at all. Why the heck would she be to meet mine, I haven't said anything bad or wierd about them to her.

[WallyLlama]

I'm not trying to be mean, but being an adult is not about a number. Being 18 does not make you adults, particularly if you're still living at home. I know that's an unpopular opinion, particularly among 18 year olds, but I also think it's a reality.

From your description of your gf's behaviors and attitudes, we may just have a maturity issue at work. It's not at all uncommon in the late teens to see huge gaps in the amount of life experience and emotional security.

Frankly, it sounds like she is much younger than you - if not in actual years, then in experience and maturity. Her behaviors and attitudes tend to be "little girl" type things from your descriptions.

What attracts you to her? What is it about your relationship together that "works?" Is it really just about meeting your friends or is there in fact a pattern?

[finewine]

Wally made very good points.

Think about his questions and answer them.

I will say that mature people can act immaturely in various ways because of intense fears and intense needs of self/pride/control.

I can think of a few of them if I was in her shoes right now.
I would still look for the fear that prompts her actions if you really like her enough as a person to continue the relationship further.