Can abusive leopard change his spots?

[amanda12002]

I am a 31 year old single gal who by chance just recently bumped into a guy that I knew back in high school (we never dated or anything...I simply knew he was.) We talked, enjoyed each other's company and ended up going out on a few dates. After about 9 dates now over the past two months, things are going better than I could imagine and I feel like I am so in love! :-) *So what problem could I possibly have? Back in high school it was very well known that he used to beat his girlfriend. A few years after that when I was in my early 20s I remember hearing about how he had a restraining order filed against him by another girlfriend. It is so hard to believe the man I have been dating could be an abuser. I asked him about it and he was quite open and willing to talk about it. He explained how much that was who he used to be and not who he is now. He has had counseling, gone to AA (clean and sober for seven years now) and recognizes his behavior in the past was wrong. *Everything else about him is so amazing and I feel like he could be "the one", but my friends and family are not so sure. They see the abuser from a decade ago and seem to not want to look past that. So my question is...can a leopard such as this chance his spots? Is it possible I just might be able to enjoy the healthy, loving relationship I envision with this wonderful man? Or is it possible a former-abuser might still be lurking in there?

[thetease13]

Well, I think anyone can change really.
However, I believe that it's something you should also keep in your mind. He is someone that has done this more than once in the past and it is possible that he could do it again. I'm not saying he will cause as I said, I believe anyone can change, but it's just something that would always stick in my mind personally.

That doesn't however mean you shouldn't try to make it work. If he makes you happy, and he hasn't done anything so far, I say continue on.

[WallyLlama]

Sure he can... and there are a few things worth pointing out about this situation.

An abuser needs someone to abuse. Since it doesn't sound like you are the "typical" victim-like person, the fact that you're attracted to each other suggests he is a different person.

It sounds from your description that his abusive personality was alcohol driven. I'd say if he's beat the drinking problem he's also beat the abuse problem.

That said, you do owe it to yourself to study up a bit on abuse... there have been lists published that claim to be "signs" that you're dealing with a potential abuser and I'd encourage you to check him out against those profiles.

One reason I'm suggesting that is it will give you something to share with those friends and family members who are (rightfully) concerned. Depending on how you guage your current relationship with him, you may or may not want to share that you're researching a little... if you do, let him know that it's not so much a matter of trust as it is being practical.

[camman]

... idk to much about the law and what i say so ... i am joking

My dad when i was younger was a heavy drinker. He used to hit my mom . Me too but , it was parental, diffrent not like too crazy on me . U know just the little spanking i guess. undeserved as it may be at times, yet nothing were i would complane about.
Yea so i was like 4. He cheated on my mom and 2 years later after he " gave up "the drinking she took him back and we lived toghter.

He recently started to drink again. Him and my mom are fighting alot and one day he tried to hit her... I was there and stoped him. He was gonna go after me but i just let my mom out and blocked the doorway till he calmed down. HE tryed to get through but in his state i was able to keep him back till he got to tiered and calmed down. He never really wanted to hurt me so i guess we managed.
In the morn he appoligized and said he was just soo drunk ( duh lol) BUt yea

I am not just trying to get a story off but it was 12 years of soberness. Really 11 cuse he started low. And hes back the way he was. Divorce seems around the corrner . Hes a great guy ( sober). but when he drinks... I take tae kwan do and if i wasnt there that night i dont know if my mom would have been ok... Its kinda scary.
Anyhow the point of all this . Even if he is sober u have to watch out it can come back to him . Light at first till he has u close enof to him where u want to stay. Not trying to make u not give him a chance but drinking never really totaly leaves you.

Just be careful ok.
Good Luck!

Like i said i am joking about all this.

[camman]

you know a real fucked up thing? u see the quote i have at bottom . My dad told me that when i was young and those are words i have tryed to live by.
Such a hipocrit right?