My Brother's Friend. . .

[*wild*at*heart*]

Hi everybody. . .

I'm new, obviously, and I have really gathered some great tips from all the posts and articles on this site. I figured, maybe, I could get some more direct advice because I am seriously lost in my current situation.

First, some background. . . My brother and I are best friends. It's strange, everyone tells us so, but we are the closest brother and sister out there. He and I get together every weekend, and we go lots of places together. A little while ago, he introduced me to his friend from work. We went to a movie together, and I couldn't concentrate in the slightest. . . My brother's friend sat so close to me. All I could think about was the feel of his arm against mine. We all had a great time. The three of us got together a bunch of times after that, and we still do. Each time, we get closer and closer to each other, physically, my bro's friend and I.

Now, about me, I am not experienced. I was a bit of a serial dater, in that I saw a lot of guys for no more than three times for a number of years. Every one of these guys would have some insane thing wrong with them, and I am sure I imagined a lot of their flaws. I gave up even trying after one guy spooked me pretty bad. I hadn't wanted anyone until I met my brother's friend. With everyone before him, I would get really creeped out at the idea of anything sexual. I mean, with this guy, there is serious chemistry, and all I think about, even now, is ripping his clothes off and jumping him.

Things escalated one night when he started in with the footsie while we were on the couch. After we both left my brother's place, he kissed me in the rain (which was phenomenal) and asked me back to his place. We fooled around, but nothing serious. In the morning, I told him that I had never been with anyone. He was so sweet about everything, and he always has been. I feel so comfortable with him, and I think that I am falling for him.

The problem is he's uncomfortable about the whole sibling thing. He said that it violates the guy code. But we can't stop fooling around. He told me not to get attached to him, but then he said he just wants to see what's going to happen, that he can't rule out the idea of us becoming serious. He also told me that he hasn't gotten to fool around with as many people as he would have liked in the past little while, but that he wants to settle down soon. Is it just the brother thing that has him confused, or is he playing with me?

He refuses to talk about the possibility of us with my brother. And, when I try to talk to my brother, my bro runs away. He is overly discreet when my brother is around, but my brother isn't an idiot; he knows what's going on. We were outside of my brother's place yesterday, and he had his hands down the back of my pants, but wouldn't kiss me because he could see my brother walking around in the kitchen. And, if my brother happened to look out the window, he would have seen the top halves of the two of us. I understand being uncomfortable about doing stuff in front of my brother, and I haven't tried to make him, but when we're outside, that just seemed silly to me. My brother's canoodled with his lady friends in front of me, and I know what uncomfortable feels like.

I don't know what I want from him. And, I don't even know what what we have is called. I got really emotional the last time we were together. I haven't been with anyone, so I don't really know what's normal and what's not. But, to me, it feels like things are not fun for him, like my inexperience is getting in the way. All I want is to knock his socks off, and I can't seem to do it. Being with him is fantastic, and since I met him, he's all I think about. He told me I was fine in bed, which isn't the best of reviews. I started with the tears, and things got worse because I knew the more I cried the more I was screwing things up. And, the idea of not being with him anymore scared me. When I was leaving, he told me that if I thought that something was wrong between us, it was because I wanted there to be. That really got me, and it's still makes me wonder.

It just seems that I know how to get things started, but I can't finish them. Do guys want to be with the inexperienced but willing, too sweet, confused, indecisive girl? I just think that things would be so much easier if I was a different person, one who wasn't his friend's sister and who wasn't inexperienced.

He told me tonight, on the phone, that our friendship was the most important thing. That makes me think that I am horrible in bed, and that he just wants me to quit trying. Is this relationship just too doomed from the get go to ever work out? I want things to work out, but I'm afraid my insecurities are going to ruin everything. Is there a way to find out how some one feels without sitting them down and getting all Dr. Phil, touchy-feely, clingy and unpleasant on them???

Sorry about the near novel length description, but any advice would be more than great.

Thanks in advance. . . *wild*at*heart*

[oberon]

Hi Wild*At*Heart and welcome!

Hmm... I guess this could be a touchy issue. The one thing I see is if this doesn't work out, then what happens to the friendship between your brother and his friend?

That being said, I'm all for the direct approach. I'd just tell them both the next time the three of you are together, "Look, I think {whatever his name is} is hot and I like him." Let them deal with the situation. Could you lose him? Yes. But, I'm not one for playing games and dragging these things out. If he wants to be with you, he should. If he doesn't have the balls, then you should find someone who does.

[Rawbob]

Hmmm..i'm kinda confused here......i'm a guy, and have never read any code book that said a guy couldn't date his friends sister! I know it can be akward, but.....the only thing that comes to mind is that your brother may know something about him that would make you very upset!

Friends do tell their best friends things that are deep secrets. So, have you asked him if there is something that your brother knows about him that may be an issue?

I mean, this sounds a bit confusing to me. U like him, he likes you, but you can't be together because your man dosn't feel comfortable dating his best friends sister? It just dosn't jive - unless there's something else at play here!

Can you tell us how old you and your friend and brother are? Why haven't you just gone to your brother and said, "Hey bro, i really like <friends name> alot, and i know he likes me, you wouln't mind if we started dating, would u?"

Now, friendships are strong things and perhaps your brother dosn't want to lose all the time with his best friend...but that can all be worked out!

I say talk to your brother!

[*wild*at*heart*]

Hey guys. . . thanks for the replies.

I am 23, and so is my brother's friend. My brother is 20. I have talked to my brother, but the whole topic clearly makes him uncomfortable. His reply is usually along the lines of, "It's none of my business what happens between you two." I've never said anything when we were all together.

I have wondered if there is something out there that I have not been filled in on. There is a mysterious ex-girlfriend with whom he moved to California with, only to come back here when she left him. I don't really have any one I can talk to about things, so I have just been dwelling on all kinds of possibilities. Apparently, my mom and my brother have been talking. And, my mom said that my brother seemed a bit upset to find out that I have spent the night with our friend. I'm still in college getting my masters, so I live at home. While my brother has his own place. My mom immediately asked me if our friend was a womanizer. I have a hard time imagining anything like that, but I could have the wool pulled over my eyes here.

I would like to think that if there was some awful thing in the past that my brother would tell me not to get involved. He knows who I am, and that all and all, I would probably still have wanted to go after this guy. But maybe I would have approached things differently. I think that we're too close to keep secrets.

So, sister dating isn't in the guy code??? I don't know the code, as I am not a guy, but it seems to be something guys with sisters of their own are very adamant about. I guess it takes away from talking about who you're sleeping with to your friend, if you're sleeping with his sister. Because, apparently guys like to talk about that. I don't know if that's true, but that has been some people's reasoning.

Ugh, I don't know what's going to happen, but it looks like I should just be open and honest about everything. Communication seems to be key.

Thanks. . .