messed up my relationship

[amandas_boyfriend]

Me and my girlfriend had been going out for 7 months, when she first met me I had a very bad drug addiction to the drug oxycontin. At first she just told me that I should quit and it's hurting me. Soon it became so bad that she said she was going to leave me if I didn't quit. It took me a while and we had a few bumps in the rode but I quit and stayed clean for 4 months. This last month I slipped up and started using again very heavily, I kept it a secret because if she found out I knew she would leave me and I loved her so much. I lyed to her many times about using and I felt terrible about it. 3 weeks ago I was pulled over and arrested for possesion of these drugs, I spent 3 weeks in jail and my parents notified my girlfriend of what happened as I couldn't call her at her college. This in a way has ruined my life but helped it to. My girlfriend broke up with me and is so heart broken more because of the lying than the drugs. I've broken her trust. I'm ready to clean up my life and I am going to rehab. After alot of talking and crying we are still talking and she says she still loves me but doesn't know if I love her because she doesn't think I do because I lyed to her and chose to do drugs behind her back. I just want to get her trust back and was looking for someone to talk to that might have been in an addictive relationship that could help. Thank you - Kyle

[demonbuttercup]

Well my cousin and his wife are kinda going through the same thing. They always used to smoke pot together but after they had children (they have 2) she decided that it wasn't part of her life anymore, that she had grown up. He continued to smoke, and it didn't bother her too much. Then he continued to do harder drugs like coke, meth, RX pills, and lied about it, doing it behind her back. She was constantly bouncing checks because he was taking money out of the account and she knew nothing about it. He never has a reason for where the money goes. There situation is a lot more serious since they are married and kids are involved.

She feels much like your g/f. That if her and the kids aren't enough to make him quit doing drugs... what is?? She still loves him very much but she can't trust him and you can't have a real relationship w/out trust. He said he would go to counseling and maybe even marriage counseling but he has kinda went back on his word and isn't holding up his end of the bargain. We all keep telling her to hold strong to her decision and not let him back into her life until he has made the decision that he wants things to work and he'll work on his drug addiction.

There's no miracle thing you can do to earn her trust back. You just have to give her time and keep reassuring her that you love her and are trying to get better. Trust is easily lost but hard to get back. I can see her side b/c how can you lie and deceive someone you love? How can you choose drugs over her? You knew the consequences and yet you started back again... and after 4 months, after you were doing so good. Sometimes it takes the tough love for you to realize she is serious and isn't going to put up with it. Hopefully you can get clean and mend the fences and gain her trust back. Just know it takes time, good luck!

[WallyLlama]

DemonButtercup speaks wisely.

I too have someone very close to me who followed a path similar to the original post. Actually, it was worse, but that's another story.

It's been several years and it's still far from "over" in a sense.

He would tell you that there is no easy fix. The ingredients include accepting the consequences. He understands that he has no right to expect his wife and children to fully trust him. He is focused on what he's doing and believing that every day they trust him more.

There's a lot to be said for the "one day at a time" approach under these circumstances. Maybe that's something to discuss with your gf. Will she just trust you for one day, tomorrow? And then the next? A lot of tomorrow's are the answer, both to overcoming the addiction and to repairing the damaged relationship(s). (I'm sure your addiction is affecting many people besides her.)

In looking back at what I've written, there's a point that might be emphasized. He did not "work" on getting her to trust him. He "worked" (VERY HARD) at getting his life in order. He lets her watch. He's not doing it to gain her trust; he's doing it because he wants to control his life and his future. They are doing great.

I believe you can do it. You have to believe you can do it.