too lonely to be shy, too shy not to be lonely

[shinedown18]

I am an 18 year old virgin. I've never been in a "real" relationship. I think I'm an attractive guy: 6'0", 140lbs, long brown hair. I play guitar and sing in a band. I think I have several of the qualities that most women are looking for. The problem is that I am very shy. Whenever the possibility of meeting a new girl arises, I become very anxious and make excuses why I can't meet/ go out with her. Often, I really do want to meet/ go out with the girl, but I feel that with my limited experience both in a relationship and sexually I will not meet her expectations.

My shyness has caused my other relationships to suffer. I don't go out with my friends anymore because I don't like to be the third wheel. They also like to play the "we should get you a girlfriend" game which makes me feel even worse because it seems like they think I'm so pathetic that they have to help me.

I can't ask my dad for advice because he is the guy that always says perverted things when he sees women in public. I think he thinks I'm gay because I don't have a girlfriend and I try not to act interested when he points out attractive women. I could talk about this for hours but I think I've said a lot of redundant things already.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[oberon]

Hi Shinedown18 and welcome!

Let me get this straight... you are a thin, tall musician with long brown hair? * And you are worried about what?? * Experience? *No sweat... everyone has to start somewhere. * I have a news flash for you... EVERY time you start a new relationship it's like starting brand new. * Experience with one person doesn't necessarily translate to experience with someone else. *So when you meet a girl, you are both on equal footing. *She has as much to learn about you as you do about her. *(That goes for getting to know someone personally AND sexually.)

The only problem I see with letting your friends help is whether they have a good idea of what you'd like. * If you trust their judgement, let them help. *It's not pathetic. *It's using the resources available. *I also know from experience that people who perform in public get lots of attention... use that to your advantage. *If some girl comes up to you after you've performed, take a chance and talk to her. *After all... she came up to YOU... so you already know that she's interested. *

Most of all, relax and enjoy meeting new people. *The worst that is likely to happen is you come out of the experience with a new friend. *

Good luck and take care.

[vagabondprince]

As another sort of former shy guy (i still am fairly shy actually) i can say fairly confidently that your shyness is hurting you more than simply jumping in and giving things a shot ever would. If you don't try you will never have success at whatever it is you would be trying, but just by trying you increase you chances of success greatly. And like oberon said, you have to start somewhere. I'm in my first ever relationship, and that didn't start until i started college last year. your situation is not nearly as abnormal as you might think.

[married1027]

Welcome Shinedown18!

I too was a serious "shy guy". I used to think even the worst girls were above me. Was I wrong! You are your greatest enemy here. (remember I was mine too once!)

I also understand the Dad situation as my Dad was the same way. I am still repulsed by his attitude by I understand it is his problem not mine.

Anyway back to your "problem". The only problem I see is fear. You say you're not ugly and you believe you have alot of qualities a woman would appreciate. So we know you have some confidence and standards (these are assets). I think your biggest problem (which used to be mine) is fear of being rejected. No one...I mean no one likes putting themselves out there and getting shot down! As Oberon said the worst thing that can happen is you get a new friend (or laughed at for 10 seconds by someone you will never see again)

I would trust your friends. At worst they will try to hook you up with people who may be gentle with your feelings. What I REALLY recommend is an online meeting service. I met my wife 5 years ago on Love@aol.com. IMs and EMAILS help break alot of Ice that leads to phone conversations that end up meeting someone in person you are already used to talking to.

Finally, when talking to a girl it is OK TO BE EXCITED! I know alot of guys say "play it cool" and that can be true to a point but nothing turns a women on more than a guy who shows interest.

Keep us informed!

[shinedown18]

Thanks so much for the advice everyone. Its really nice to hear that I'm not the only one who has this sort of problem. Its also very nice to hear from people who are sensitive to my situation. Believe me, none of my friends understand where I'm coming from. One of them calls me a "no ass gettin' bastard", jokingly of course. I laugh along so that he won't think its getting to me because it would be even more awkward if he had to feel as bad about saying it as I felt about hearing it.

Well, thanks again everyone! I look forward to talking with all of you again. You have been very helpful.

[sweetiez]

hey I had 2 say Shine Down is an AWESOME band.. where are u from? Anyways im sorry about the whole situation.. i think the first step is for u just to talk 2 gurl in general.. like friends that r gurls and if u ont have any u dont feel very friendly to talk to go to like clubs or the mall or mainly anywhere ( idk what u like 2 do) and just say heyw ahts up.. and even if they dont want 2 talk 2 you..then who cares? Its one girl outta tons!!! =0). Alot of girls are friendly we arnt scary people haha =0). U can pretend in your mind like it was a friend of urs. but really its not.. make ur mind think so though. It may be easilyer.. plus gurls love when guys come up and talk 2 them first! =0). If u'd wanna know more. or wanna talk i have msn ,email or aim. take care!Hope i helped some

[ftcollinsboy121]

Hey, being 18 and a virgin isn't that bad.

Dads can be idiots. Mine sure is. Then again, he's been married 3 times, been proposed to 2x in the past two years, and dates about 5 women at the same time.

My advice is just to be yourself, but be more 'out there in the game' so to speak. You have to fight yourself and just go out. It works. I know, cause I used to be in a similar situation. Nowadays, I don't go out cause I can't afford it. C'est la vie.