Boyfriend just stopped calling...why?

[mspersia82]

Me and my bf had what seemed like the perfect relationship but I have not heard from him for a week. He won't take my calls and I found out he's blocking me on IM. We did not have a fight so I don't know why he would do this. I'm so upset that I don't know what to do. Just the last time we talked he was saying all kinds of "i love you's" and sweet things. We have never gone this long without talking. I thought something happened to him but then I saw him online. He won't return my emails either. I have been so genuine and open with him and given him my heart. He used to talk about how I'm his perfect girl and everything. Why would a man just suddenly stop calling his girl and not offer an explanation?

[Jaybee]

Hi, ...brace yourself, I've got some bad feelings about this one.

To be honest sweetheart, I fear he wants out. Which he's a damm fool for, from what I know about you. You're an incredible catch.

It's unlikely he's too busy to call, a week is far too long without even a "Had to dash off to Europe for an important client". They have phones and IM in Europe.

And at the risk of exposing myself, I too have gone a couple of weeks without speaking when I wanted to break up with my last girlfriend. I should have been man enough to just tell her outright, but oh sweetheart, as much as we want to find a way to break the news gently, there is just never any good way to do it, and we men aren't very good with words to begin with.

My diagnosis gets worse. I think he didn't love you in the first place. You gave him your heart, and NO man should take that lightly. But he has gone silent for a week. I don't think it's another woman, you seem incredibly attractive. As for exactly why...darling, unless you confront him, you're probably never going to find out.

Ok. Give him another week. Don't say a thing. If he comes back, demand a damm good explanation. If not, decide whether you want to confront him.

This is going to be painful for you, honey. I've dumped, and been dumped. It's not easy on either side of the fence.
Oh sweety, the nights I've spent crying, hugging myself. But you DO get through it, I promise you.

Write back,


Jaybee.

[WallyLlama]

I can't - and won't - begin to speculate. About the only thing I'd say with conviction is that "something changed." It isn't necessarily about you, either - there are probably a thousand things that might have happened.

Of course none of them (except amnesia) justify him not communicating with you in some form. I can't offer a theory on that either, because I can't relate to that sort of treatment of another human being, let alone someone who's been a partner.

I'm not sure there's much to be gained by tearing this apart and analyzing it... since he won't communicate, there's little you can do about him and the relationship. You may never know what happened. It's time to focus on yourself.

No, you can't simply shrug it off and move on, but you can (and will, even though it might not feel that way now) get the experience into perspective. Any loss is painful; you are allowed to feel the pain. But do not become a victim of the experience. His action was his choice; your reaction is yours.

Have a hug,
Wally

[lilly2279]

How long were you guys going out?

I've also been treated like this before and I hate to say it, but it's never turned out for the better. But I can give you a few tips..

I would not e-mail him or call him again. Just let it lie (yes, I know that it almost impossible because you are dying to know what happened) But if he's getting cold feet or second guessing the relationship, constant pressure from you will only make things worse. Give him a week, with no contact, then confront him if you feel the need.

Men say all kinds of lovely flowery things and will tell you how much they care and look you deep in the eyes, then the next day be a total ass. (and yes, I'm sure some women do it too!). I dated a guy who would be all lovely dovey, then not want to talk to me the next day. It was so weird! I am not the mushy type and tend to wait a long time to say the "L" word, but he would rush forward with his declaration of love, then run away. Just about the time I would be thinking "am I in love with him? maybe I am!" he would start pulling that crap! It made me crazy!!

I'm sorry he's being like this to you. I do feel for you and I know many people reading your thread do too. You do seem like a great catch and like you'd be a lot of fun to be with, but some guys just get chicken, maybe because he is getting too close to you. If he feels like he needs to step back and see how he really feels about the situation, give him a chance to do so. There is nothing you can do/say to sway him in either direction, well except for bugging him too much while he tries to think - that can have a negative affect.

Be patient, hope for the best and let us know how it's going hon! Good luck!

[mspersia82]

Thank you to everyone that answered me.

I already made one mistake I guess by trying to call him a few times and sending him a couple of emails. I just felt that I had to know at the time what was going on. I thought it was another woman for a while. I haven't spoken with him yet but he did send me an email. He said that he had needed a break to think for a while. Apparently, he thinks that he can't be the man that I need. He says this because a few times in the past I had complained that he did not call enough and that he did not seem as passionate as he was in the beginning of our relationship. He was saying in the email that I should find a man that will be more passionate with me and call me all the time and that he's too laid back for that so that maybe it is best that we just be friends now. He says he still loves me but that he's not the one for me.

The only reason that I had complained is because I miss him so much sometimes that I wanted to hear his voice more. He thinks that I didn't appreciate it when he does call but I do appreciate it. I know that with time relationships can change a little but I was not happy thinking that he was getting bored with me or was not attracted to me anymore so that's why I brought up the fact that he seems less passionate. Still, I know that he is what I want because of all of his other qualities (similar values, great conversations we have, all the sweet things he does, etc) so I wrote him back telling him that I didn't want things to end like this. I don't know if that was the wrong thing to do or not but I am the type of person that can't hold my feelings back and I have to say what I'm feeling. So I told him that I loved him more than anything, did not want to lose what we had, and that I want us to start over. I guess I will have to see what he says now.

[Jaybee]

Persia,

Ok sweets, the man has let his feelings be known. *As another man, I'll read between the lines for you.

I'm pretty certain he felt you wanted to bond emotionally too soon for him. *I had EXACTLY the same thing with my last girlfriend. *The subject of feelings came up within a few weeks of us meeting, as did love. *Because I was so amazed by the depth of her feelings for me, I asked her quietly over dinner, "Do you love me?"

Her eyes said it all. *Her heart said, "Yes, I love you already", but her head said "You've only known the guy 5 minutes; you can't possibly LOVE him already".

Usually, we men are hesitant to give 100% emotional committment so soon. *So, if you call us every 2-3 hours every day when we're at work and we are NOT madly in love with you, it can get pretty irritating for us. *We feel like we have no 'ME' time. *Of course, if you're both deeply in love, or have a committed relationship (by marriage or residence), then there is no 'ME' time, only 'APART' time.

That's why I believe he didn't truly love you to begin with. *If I'm in love and I want to spend the rest of my life with a girl, then no sacrifice is too great, aside from my religion. *I'll give up everything else - my house, my car, I'd give her my last shirt. *If I were so crazy about her, if she wanted me to rob a bank with her, strip off naked in the middle of Oxford Street, or jump on a plane to Siberia for laughs, I'd do it. *Such extreme requests should be the exception from a girl who loves me, not the norm, but you get the idea. As you can see, a few minutes a day on the phone is a pretty small sacrifice, IF you're so deeply in love.

And we know you love to talk. *That's fine, but when talking cuts into working time, it gets a little grating.

Anyway, I think this guy is a fool for dropping you. *You clearly still want him, because you are still in love, and love does not let go easily, to say the least.

Be strong. *It is a big, BIG world out there, and there are many guys who would suit you better than he did. *Whether you believe that or not now - and I'm sure you don't - will not change the fact that other, worthier men ARE out there for you, and you CAN get to meet them.

I wish you well.

[mspersia82]

Well in response to that, he is the one that said "I love you first" within the first month, not me. *He told me that he's never felt like this before and never been in love before with anyone. *I didn't even say it back right away because I didn't want to scare him off. *I don't call him all the time. *He definitely has his space. *He seems like he has zero tolerance for complaining though. *I'm going to see what he says. *I'm scared of what it will be though.

[WallyLlama]

I'm going to repeat myself.

Speculating about what he's thinking is I suppose interesting, but relatively pointless. (There might be a point if he was threatening to leave... but it sounds more like he already has and he made the decision without your input.) Further more - and I'm tempted to shout this - [bold] his behavior and thinking may have very little to do with anything you said or did. [/bold]

That may be precisely why you're having trouble figuring it out.

Hell, he may not even know - that may be why he's not talking.

You've given him your thoughts and feelings... Waiting to see what he says is the only course of action readily available to you.

Meanwhile, do not get caught in the trap of thinking he is so wonderful that you must have screwed up.

Hugs,
Wally

[lilly2279]

I dated a guy kinda of similar to that. He was the first one to tell me he loved me, crying and being all emotional. I didn't say it back because I didn't know if I really felt it at the time. I mean, I didn't shrug it off, but wasn't quick to pipe up "me too!" just because, you know?

So I was pretty sure he was smitten. But then like a week later, he was doing the same stuff your guy is doing. Not returning my phone call, hiding from me on the computer, etc. And it was not another girl, it was just him getting cold feet and that wasn't the last time he did it. He was the first to say he wanted our relationship to work and to look me deep in the eyes, like he meant it, then tell me the next day he put an ad on match.com. Some men are just really hard to figure out??

Don't let someone toy with your emotions like that. I know it's hard to be detached, and on the inside you won't be detached. But give him his space. I am betting he will start missing you and realize what he is stupidly giving up.

Good luck!

[mspersia82]

I don't know if it is really him getting cold feet or if he's really just extremely frustrated about my past complaining. I'm just going to wait though. It is so hard because I love this guy to death.