Shy and Completely Jaded

[GoldenArmedGod]

Hey what's up?

I am having some problems getting going in this new world. I find that I have become completely jaded towards girls and have gotten to the point where I don't even want to look at an attractive girl because he makes me mad and upset.

I lost my virginity almost a year ago to a girl I really wish I didn't. In the past couple of months I've tried hooking up with girls I think are cool and attractive but I always blow it because I can't seem to be myself.

I've never been in a real relationship and I've never been into the girls who are into me.

This all wouldn't be so bad if all my friends weren't hooking up with girls all the time right in front of me and telling me all their stories. It makes me feel really depressed and down. Yet, they always come to me for advice on relationships and girls.

I'm starting to feel completely jaded and completely lose my attraction to girls like I'm to the point where I don't even want to talk to any new girls just because I'm sick of how immature and stupid they are. I'm also terrified of new people and have a lot of trouble starting conversations with new people. Because of my size (6'4 300)and my attitude I come across as scary but I really don't want to or am not trying to. I'm just kind of overwhelmed in crowds but when people get to me one on one I'm usually pretty charming and funny. Like I've made so many friends from them taking the effort to get to know me. I'm rambling now but I'm just feeling horrible because I feel like I'm missing out and I feel like people aren't getting to know me.

It's funny that the more I try to turn off my thoughts about how much I'd like to get into relationships and become more of a social person the more I want to.

I'm not some scary stupid goth kid, like people always tell me that I'm the life of the party or really funny but it's usually because I'm playing to a crowd. I just have so much trouble opening up and connecting one on one with females.

Another interesting note is that sometimes when I'm drunk or high and really over-confident I'll go up to girls at a party and put on an act where I'm like this really confident jerk and I always wind up with phone numbers but I never call because that's not me. Like I'm just trying to show that I'm not some hapless loser, well maybe I am but I can act like other guys but I just can't sustain that act.

Hopefully I didn't come across as immature or as some dark depressed guy because I'm really not, I just would like some help in these things because I feel like I'm stuck at the start line and the race is already over.

Thanks *

[oberon]

Hi GoldenArmedGod and welcome to the board!

First of all, relax. * I know sometimes it seems like "everyone else is hooking up" and you are the only one alone... Trust me... you aren't. *But that's not much help. *I never have understood the phrase, "Misery loves company"...lol.

About your shyness and self-esteem issue. *You're a big guy. * That's NOT a bad thing. *It makes you stand out. *Of course, not everyone is going to find that attractive... but some will. *That's actually the golden rule of self-esteem... "It REALLY doesn't matter what you look like, some people will find it appealing and some won't." *So don't worry about it. *The other thing to remember is that other people are just as worried as you are about how they appear. *Usually so much so that they aren't as critical of you as you might think.

Meeting people. *Quit trying to "hook up". *Go out there with the intention of making friends. *Since you're talking about girls, I'll assume straightness...lol... so you probably don't get all flustered when you meet a new guy. *Why's that? *No pressure, of course. *You can be yourself, and if he doesn't like it, tough. *Having the goal of just making friends takes the pressure off... then, when you do meet someone (female) that you fancy, and she seems to fancy the real you... you can go from there. *It has the same effect as being "drunk or high" without all the dangerous side-effects. *Or the tendency to overcompensate.

These are all just suggestions. *Please, feel free to use or ignore any and all. *

Good luck and take care.

[newguy]

is this the bio of my life lol
seriously though I know how you feel and I too cannot fathom the reason people decide to come to me for relationship advice when I've never had one at all!


I too have the problem as coming off as the BIG scary fella!
tho I am only 5'11 and 180, ( I used to weigh 300lbs but decided to lose it after being rejected again for being the fat guy) I am not the scary guy I am quite the sensitive type really but Its all about your body language, become aware of it and try to change it, thats all you can do, you like me, probably unknowingly give off the leave me alone vibe or the even more problematic get near me and i'll kill you vibe.. lol people usally go across the street when your giving off that vibe, take notice of how people are reacting to you, if they look away and scurry off they are probably scared of you.


as far as advice
for the conversations with new people:
start small, a simple hello/good day to people passing by on the street,and Particularly attractive girls don't try to talk anymore then just the hello good day heck you walking away may make them follow you!
Do this till it becomes comfortable then expand from there, it will not happen over night, your'll get scared but force yourself to do these things.
I am currently working on all of this myself, I tend to lock up/freeze like a deer in headlights in front of attractive girls. it can really give ya heart problems honestly lol

For crowds and people in general:
You obviously already go out, but make it a point to go to places with crowds lots of people and do that till it becomes comfortable, memorize the faces and all those people become acquaintances and thus not so unfamiliar and frightening.

As far as the immaturity and such with girls i've come across that and there is not must you can do to change it, it is most likely where you are hanging out, you obviously want someone more refined then the local drab so go to more refined areas, think about what your ideal girl would like and what would attract her and change become that, I dont mean change your personality but, become confident that you are what she is looking for...
I am not sure how to achieve that but its worth the try

Well good luck hopefully some of this is useful and if you figure out a secret to it all let me know!
-newguy

[ftcollinsboy121]

You're probably looking at the wrong girls for relationships. I'm none too small either (5'11" 230), but the fact is that most of the attractive girls I've met are superficial. They care about looks 90% of the time. Looks aren't everything.

I'm curious, do you have any female friends? Those are usually a good place to start looking for the right attributes for the girl you want to be with.

And I bet you're WAY too young to be jaded about dating. Wait till you're 30, then become jaded.

[memoriesofyou]

See I always thought until a few seconds ago that girls were the one with the insecurities. Thank you so much for admitting to your insecurities! that is so cool that you can post something so personal!
So you are a tall guy..I am a tinyy girl!
I am 4'11 and weight like 95 pounds! people call me midget and minnie me lol..
My advise for you would be to not give up for one! there has to be a girl out there somewhere for you!
At parties be the guy who talks to the girls who arn't as outgoing and bubby!
if you are a little shy talking to nice people is the way to go then you get warmed up to being social better!
What i do is find the people who will talk to anyone! Then I feel like i can talk to anyone! build up ur confidence by doing courages things...idk wht..but u kno urself doing things that are scary is good for you! hehe

If ur a nice guy chances are that there is a girl who wishes you would notice her...so look around dudee! she is prolly standing next to you and you never even saw herr! maybe she is shy?! dont just look at the stunning girls! give ordinary looking girls a chance too! they are better mostly cause when they have a brain you will have a better relationship!
Dudee i am soo there with you! tho! seriously this is like the guy version of my lifee!
I am a girl and ALL of my friends either have a boyfriend, recently had a boyfriend, or are hooking up with random guys. They all come to me for advise when their worlds crash..
People are always telling me how beautiful I am. But guys never seem to like me... it's so annoying..it's not like i dont have a lot of self confidence either! i am smart a talented singer, and writer i also am an amazing dancer! so it's not like im boring! but guys dont even notice me! I have let my friends put makeup on me, I have let them put me in the short skirts and low cut tops..and the guys only see my friends.I even have blonde hair and a bubbly personality!Im just quiet.. but common! is all guys care about loud abnoxiousness? I hope not!....
It's a nice guy like you who is going to end up with all the girlsss!
cause all the beautiful girls you see are going to realize that hott outgoing guys are jerkss...then they will be like hmmmm...lol

just keep on being a nice guy and I promise that someone will end up falling in love with you!

GOOD LUCKK!

[EvilEvilKitten]

Guys, the one thing you have to realise about girls/women is that SECURITY is a MAJOR issue for them. Consider that a bad date for you is where you don't get laid - a bad date for her is ending up lying dead in a ditch and you'll understand why this is so.

What to do: DON'T stand so close to her! No looming! Sit your butt down and give her some space. If she wants to be closer, she'll move closer. Don't move closer to her. ALSO, do not touch her until she has touched you - a hand on your arm when talking to you or something like that. A big male has to ALWAYS appear "Non-Threatening". NEVER forget it.

Next: STOP trying to pick her up. Just talk like a sensible person. Wait for her to signal some interest before beginning to flirt. Now to help you recognise these, here's a list:

1. leans toward you and looks at you when speaking to you.
2. plays with her hair, plays with her jewelry, strokes her glass up and down slowly in an absent-minded fashion
3. touches you in any way
4. moves closer

Big guys should cultivate a "teddybear" image. It is MOST effective for what could be more "comforting" than a teddybear? How to do this: exude a calm, confident yet APPRECIATIVE manner toward women. Smile. Go slowly. Use excellent manners and make her feel at ease. Sparkling eyes, a ready sense of humor that is not malicious, a willingness to go at her pace - all will work and add to this desired image. Walking a lady to her car is ALWAYS a "good thing". When doing so, offer her your arm. Hold the car door for her while she gets in and so on.

Several items are disturbing about your post, Golden, 1. your regret at having lost your virginity. You should be grateful that's out of the way. 2. your lack of interest in those girls who are interested in you. You're turning down girls when you're half-way there already! How idiotic is that? 3. your 'need' to get drunk or high and to play to a crowd. If you're not going to bed the crowd, forget the crowd! The only person who exists is HER. Whichever 'her' that happens to be at the time. Forget yourself and FOCUS upon her - the goal. The reason you get those numbers when drunk or high is because you forget yourself and just 'have a good time'. Unfortunately, your actual 'performance' will be worthless due to your drunken or drugged state. Learn how to focus outwardly WITHOUT the 'additional help'.

Got all of that?

[Doom Bat]

You and I live similar lives, friend.

My first piece of advice is SMILE! When you're at a party and don't know anybody? SMILE! You have no idea how easy it is to get somebody's attention when you SMILE! You say you are the life of the party? Great! You are showing that you're a fun and socialble guy, and everybody loves that guy. I believe you should try and work on this sober though. Try to ween yourself off needing alcohol or other drugs to get yourself in the social mindset. Memories advice of just talking to people to get you in the social mindset is a perfect way of doing this. Don't just walk up to the hottest girl there and try talking to her because that's an obvious "I want to hit on you" move. Walk up to the stand offish group of girls and talk to them. Make friends at the place before you start trying to get numbers or hook-ups. The biggest way of getting the girl you're looking for? Make her friends -your- friends! I mean, we always hear the classic story of the couple who "met through mutual friends." What's stopping you from that situation in the time span of a night?

Second piece of advice is EYE CONTACT! EYE CONTACT is a huge social stimulation that all humans respond to. Do you find yourself not being able to look into a beautiful woman's eyes? She'll probably think you're either weird or not interested. EYE CONTACT is a huge confidence thing too. It shows that you're not intimidated by her looks, and it shows that you are listening to what she is saying which is something -all- women complain about ("He doesn't listen to me waahhh wahhhh!").

My third and I guess final piece of advice is your BODY LANGUAGE. I too am a big guy (6'4" 215lbs) which can be intimidating if you -want- to appear that way. See, girls have two languages that they commuincate with, but they never told the male population that their second language is a silent code! BODY LANGUAGE is your unconscious way of telling the girl how you are feeling at that moment. You may be smiling and laughing and showing that you're having a good time with those two things, but if your BODY LANGUAGE is saying "I'm not comfortable here, please, help me get out of here" then she'll see that and see you're not as confident as you're trying to act. Trust me, you may have to fake this BODY LANGUAGE stuff at first, but you'll soon fall into a comfortable habit of knowing what your body is communicating to the girl you're interested in.

I am/was pretty jaded about the whole dating scene as well, but I think that's because I took things too seriously. I would over analyze situations, and I had a lot negative thinking towards myself (things like: "She's too hot for me" or "Why would she be interested in me?"). These never help. You need to work yourself more from the inside out, but I understand this is hard because the results are a slow process.

Also, follow EEK's advice since she is a rather wise woman who will always give you sound and straight-forward advice. It's a tough process. I'm working on it myself, and I will tell you the voice in your head that says "Don't bother" is a loud and nagging voice. You need to try and shut him/her up and just realize that people are people, and they are more similar to you than you think.

Also, one last thing: All of this (this being social interactions) should be FUN!

[machine_rat]

Oh the joys of being one of the bigger boys. As a larger guy in high school and college, I was always amused how just my presence intimidated all the 'homeboys', with their primitive/animalistic 'alpha-male' mentality.

Not that it's an unwarranted fear, but there is the discomfort that girls can have when facing such a domineering figure.

When talking to girls, don't go in there formulating some stratagy of how to get her from pint A to to point B, you'll only end up putting too much pressure on yourself and come across as not confident. As others have said, talk to the quiet girls. I mean really, the biggest difference between the hot and the not is clothing and styling... external factors.

[atomic]

The friendly teddy bear persona is really an attractive one - especially if it is genuine and you are consistent with it. By that, I mean to just be you when you are around girls - if you find you are a different person when you are drunk or high, chances are girls pick up on that too.

From your post, you sound really sweet and the kind of person who takes a little warming up, but is easy to talk to when you are relaxed

Everyone is right - smiling makes the world of difference when you approach someone. Even if you are not in a smiley mood, forcing a smile eventually leads to a genuine one and really draws attention to your face and normally people will smile back

Don't focus so much on what your buddies are doing and feel pressured to do the same. So, they're hooking up with different girls every weekend and they seem to be having more fun than you. It's not about them, it's about you and meeting different girls who you like for different reasons and getting to know them better and seeing where it goes. Wouldn't you rather have the choice of girls you actually like for a reason rather than just hooking up for the sake of it because everyone else is? Even if it is just to practice talking to them, seeing how they react.

Be the nice, genuine guy you seem to be I guarantee you girls will like you

[Cherry Cheesecake]

Well, just throwing this out there, I'm in a very similar boat. I am rather tall and not exactly huge, but well muscled and some people find that intimidating. I have to agree that the best way to overcome this is to smile a lot and be friendly to everyone around you. Several years ago I had very few frieds and most people seemed to dislike me but since I have made these changes people in general seem more drawn to me.