Girlfriend doesnt trust me

[JJ101]

Hi, I started dating the woman Im seeing two months ago. We get along good, have a lot in common, very sexually compatible, etc. *We're both in our 30s by the way.

The problem is that she doesnt trust me. Its not because of anything Ive done, but because shes been burned in the past by boyfriends, came from a home with an abusive father and has basically dated (in her words) nothing but a**holes.
Im basically a pretty nice guy and we've talked about it and shes said straight to my face that she doesnt believe I am who I am and shes waiting for my bad side to come out. I guess guys in the past have been nice at first then turned into complete a**holes on her.

Like I said, Im being myself and am genuinely a nice person. I care about others and really care about someone Im dating. I really like this woman, in fact, its the first person Ive liked this much in years, and Ive dated a lot. Its becoming really difficult because shes doing a lot of things to make things difficult and to test me, and Im pretty sure its because of the trust issues. Im not sure if the things shes doing are conscious or unconscious. Its almost like shes trying to piss me off to see my reaction. Im pretty level headed so it hasnt happened and wont happen. When I get mad, I bring up the issue and talk through it and move on. I dont yell, throw things, and usually dont even raise my voice.

Shes also recently had to start to deal with an issue shes having. I believe its a legal problem and I think its because of something shes done. She wont tell me whats going on however.

Anyway, this on top of the other things are starting to take its toll on me. Its almost to the point that things are too difficult to stay in this. Like I said, we get along great and usually have a lot of fun together, but the trust things are hard.

Any advice on how to help her to relax and trust me? I know I need to be patient and just keep being myself, but is there more I can do? Im also concerned about the issue shes having. A close male friend of hers told her not to tell me about it (yeah I know...Im not liking him much right now).
Im wondering what the problem is, but Im more concerned that she doesnt trust me enough to tell me. I would like to be there for her and help with whatever the problem is, but shes not letting me.

Im also picking up on some insecurity issues. Shes very attractive but I can still pick up on some of the clues.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[demonbuttercup]

I saw a situation very similar to this on Dr. Phil...lol... ok just listen. The girl had been abandoned by her father when she was like 5. He left her and her mom w/out really saying why. So she had resented him ever since then and she was already in her 30s I believe. She was married and had a little baby.

She had absolutely NO trust for her husband, even tho he had never done anything to let her believe he was untrusting. Everytime he left the house, she just assumed he was out cheating,etc. Even when he would insist she go out w/ him and other friends to go do something, she would act like no Im gonna stay home but its cool if you go... then she'd be like I can't believe he's always going out w/ out me.

The husband was like, its like she's constantly testing me and my commitment to her. She has embedded in her brain that all males are like this and are going to leave you. So basically she was giving him reasons to leave her so in the end she could be like, I told you so!! men are pigs and they leave you..etc. When really it was her that caused him to leave.

Ok, so Dr. Phil basically said that she has to let go of the resentment to her father. She doesn't have to necessarily forget but she has to forgive. He mentioend that forgiving doesn't mean that you are excusing what someone did and saying its ok. Forgiving is you saying, I'm not going to let you and what you did control me life anymore... im letting it go and moving on. He advised either talking to those people or writing a pretend letter to them, getting out all the hurt and feelings on paper helps you to move on.

Basically, there isn't anything you can do... it has to come from her. Too bad you can't get her to watch that episode.. it would help a lot Im sure.
Of course she f eels insecure...if all guys leave her then she thinks it must be something wrong w/ her... and it just might be! It might be this trust issue that makes her drive all her ex b/fs away and when they leave she blames it on them and calls them the A**holes. When in reality she's the bad factor in all the equations.
Im not sure how to go about this one. But like I said, it has to start w/ her. You can be absolutely perfect and she'll still find something not to trust you about.

If I think of a good way to go about it, I'll let you know lol. Until then, just think about what I said and see if it applies to your situation... I think it will.

[mjv154]

I realize that you are going through a lot with this. You care about this woman, but it gets tireing haveing to deal with these issues.

I think that the only thing you can do is be true to her, and more importantly, true to yourself. I agree with buttercup, this is her problem, it just stinks that you have to bear the repercusions of it.

Keep your chin up and be there for her. She may realize that she can trust you, but you do need to try and accept that fact that this may be a life long condition for her, and move it on.

[soulmates82]

perhaps you should invite her to become another anonoumous member of this forum. loyalty issues and trusts of confidences and no one wants to betray a friend and tons of reasons get in the way and make it tough to get good advice from people you hang around with. this forum contains lots of helpful advice on just about every subject. good therapy sometimes to hear folks just tell it like it is and to hear othertimes they couldnt agree more with yu and... less offensive to hear someone you dont know tell you you are all wrong and gives you more a more confident feeling when strangers agree with your side of things.

[oberon]

Well, I pretty much agree with what has been said already... except in my opinion trust has to be earned. *Two months isn't a terribly long time to get to know someone. *I can identify with having been burned in the past; it tends to make you cautious about believing in anyone. *

(Incidentally, I can relate to you as well. *I grew up in a small town where basically everyone knew me- and what kind of person I was. *When I started venturing into the "wider" world, it was somewhat shocking that people didn't automatically accept that I was a good person.)

I say put your cards on the table. *Tell her how you feel, but be ready to prove that you are trustworthy. *Try to help her realize that she has a trust issue, but- and this is the hardest part- give her time to come to terms with it.

[WallyLlama]

I think the biggest danger in situations along these lines is to cross the line and become your partner's therapist instead of her/his lover.

First of all, most people aren't qualified. Secondly, the people who are qualified are never dispassionate enough to do it - that's why a professional would never treat someone in the family.

The best things you can do for her are:

Attempt to create a "normal" relationship. Demonstrate that not all relationships are like the ones she had in the past.

"Demand" the appropriate behaviors within that relationship. I'm not suggesting that you not be passionate and compassionate. You can understand someone's behavior without accepting it. If, however, you keep accepting it there will be no reason for it to change.

(There's a subtley contained in that: you can't much affect how a person feels, but you can affect what that person does when it involves you. If you don't do that positively, you're actually enabling the negative feelings and behavior.)

This short version includes sending her to a professional therapist.

The longer version would include a warning (and I think you already have seen the danger) that you NOT become this woman's victim.

Forget about her legal problem... don't start analyzing her insecurity. Recognize that her lack of trust is also (perhaps unconsciously) her way of having control.

Take some back.

[JJ101]

Yeah, Im starting to see that shes had most of the control in this relationship (if thats what it is). I really seem to want this more than her which never makes for an even playing field. Im also starting to see that Im being taken advantage of and its making me feel like kind of a fool sometimes.
Ive been giving her the benefit of the doubt because shes dealing with some things, but I think enough is enough. To still have no idea where you stand with someone after two months seems wrong to me. I need to talk with her about this.

[funeral_of_hearts69]

I have a problem with trusting my boyfriend completely....i can't get over it...but he wants to be there for me...i get him frusterated all the time and i don't want to anymore.

He says that he trusts me 100% and he does....but how can i feel the same way? The other night we went to a local hangout and he knows this gay guy (who is pretty cool) and since my boyfriend is bisexual...and flirts with him...nothing by it....but it seemed like i was the one getting ignored...

I'm just saying....i need help on how i can get over my past of getting hurt..and trust this new guy..(whom i've only been dating a month and a half)

Please help!!

[soulmates82]

trust that if something is going to happen it is going to happen. worry that something is going to happen and maybe it never will, dont think its going to happen and it could.... jeliousy and suspicion and worry and doubt.... cant stop the future from happening or change things to come. your past is past, this guy isnt the last guy so maybe you will get hurt or maybe you wont this time. walking on egg shells and always on guard on the defensive or holding back giving your all afraid its gonna hurt too bad like it has in the past....
be the best you you want to be. if he gets interested in someone else it does not mean you are a failure does not mean she is better than you it simply means she is not you. his loss cuz you are one heck of a gal and just too bad he's willing to settle for less. guess you're too good for him ey?
people have a right to their own happiness. you can love a person and want that person and need that person.... cant force them to feel the same about you. gonna break your heart when they leave but dont they deserve to have those feelings too? if they dont feel those things for you how can you deny them their right to find someone makes THEM feel that way?

[oberon]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (funeral_of_hearts69 @ Oct. 09 2004,06:04)]He says that he trusts me 100% *and he does....but how can i feel the same way? *The other night we went to a local hangout and he knows this gay guy (who is pretty cool) and since my boyfriend is bisexual...and flirts with him...nothing by it....but it seemed like i was the one getting ignored...

I'm just saying....i need help on how i can get over my past of getting hurt..and trust this new guy..(whom i've only been dating a month and a half)

Please help!!

At least, he's told you he's bisexual. *But this relationship is going to take a higher than normal level of trust. *Are the two of you going to have an "open relationship" where his bisexuality is concerned? *If so, you are going to have to set some pretty strict ground rules. *And you are going to have to trust that he follows them. *You are going to have to talk out any problems that arise immediately (you felt ignored). *Are you going to participate in his outside activities? *This can be fun and exciting, but the two of you are going to have to establish a strong bond to make it work.