is it worth the trouble?

[Tjdude]

Hiya all!. I've been going out with this girl lately. The problem is that she had a bf and broke up with him, and then starting going out with me. The thing is that, she was realy in love with him, but he wouldn't marry her or anything so she dump him, but now that i'm going out with her, he is like going at her again, and want her to be back with him.

We talked about that in many occasions, and she saids that she love him but that she wants to be with me, that she only needs time, but the time goes by and i don't see any real improvement in our relationship or any real effort from her to get away from him. And it's even worst, since they are coworkers, he gets to spend more time with her than what i can. And all that is realy driving me crazy, and realy hurts me that she can't decide if she is going to be ok with me, or might return to this guy. I'm not a jealous guy but now all i can think is that when she is not with me, is with him.

So, what do u think?, does she realy just needs time? or am i just losing mine. Thanks

[demonbuttercup]

yeah that would definetly be a tough situation especially since they work together. She can't really get over him if she sees him everyday...ya know?
How long did they go out?
What was the time period between them breaking up and you guys getting together?

[Tjdude]

They went out for about a year or so, and well, it was short time, i mean they were a couple when we started getting to know each other, so i was part of the reason she broke up with him, i was not realy the main reason, but as u may guess i had a great influence on that decision, but he didn't find out about us being together until a week ago (we have like 2 months seeing each other).

[newguy]

I would not continue it if you are looking for a stable relationship, it does not sound like she can provide that at this time.

your'll have to ask yourself what you are looking for and if she could supply it.

it may just dwindle into an emotional roller coaster for both you and her,

Sounds like he is just an abuser that is trying to regain control over her and once she goes back with him, he'll treat her worse then before

Good luck
newguy

[oberon]

I'd be a little (maybe a lot) concerned that she started up with you before ending things with the last boyfriend (no, not cheating but not taking time to get over the last relationship). Most people need time to "cool off" after a relationship ends. I really hate to say it, but- at best- you might be her "rebound" guy.

Of course, as with all things concerning people and relationships, this is not absolute. She could really be over him, but having him around all the time makes it difficult to move on.

Hmmm... that was helpful, wasn't it?

[Tjdude]

Yep Ob i think you are right about the timing and the rebounds, and yes, our relationship is a roller coaster right now. I think i knew all those things even before i started the relationship with her, but what i was hoping for is that with a little time (or not so little) and patience she could forget all about him and start caring more and more for me. Now i can see that it could take more than just time and patience.
My plan was, that i was going to hold on with everything until December, because she will quit that job and go for a month to live with her mother. Then she'll return and look for a different job, so no more ex guy all the time. But now, i don't know if i can wait that long or if it is worth the trouble to wait that long..... oh boy, what am i going to do

[newguy]

Hmm, then you will have to ask yourself is she worth the effort to you?

as someone who has wasted way to much time chasing dreams,
with a roller coaster relationship you must be weary of it becoming an obsession of yours (unless you are not prone to that trait)
I would suggest you continue with your plan ...but continue trying to develop relationship's with other girls and if one develops that is better the then what you have/had with her, then go with it and when she returns, re-evaluate your options.
because her feelings could change a lot in a month.
keep your head about you and good luck

-Newguy

[oberon]

I agree with newguy. *I, personally, don't think a couple of months is a big investment to find out if things will work out, but I'm not the one in the relationship. *It depends on whether you think it's worth it or not. *

You'll also have a better idea of what to expect from her after December IF she follows through with these plans. *If she doesn't, I think I'd take that as the end of the chance for a relationship.

It all really boils down to the question, "Is this worth the next two or three months of my life?"

[WallyLlama]

What worries me is - apparently - she broke up with the guy she loved (still loves, actually) because he wouldn't marry her - at least that's the take I get from your first post. And she made this decision (that they should be married) after going out with him for a year.

So the question that naturally follows is... why is she going out with you? There are a bunch of sub-questions like, "Is marriage more important to her than love?"

In other words, I'd be more interested in her values and her feelings toward you and your relationship together. To a certain extent the ex isn't a big factor - unless she thinks he is and you allow him to continue in that role by worrying about it and constantly discussing him with her. You're distressed that he still plays an important role in her life, but you're validating it by accepting it. Instead of talking about how she feels about him, get him out of the equation and find out how she feels about you.

I'm not even sure you can use "rebound" as an explanation for her ambivalence since by your own admission you were part of the reason she dumped him.

Most of the signs seem to be screaming that she wants to be with the ex... the only problem is he won't marry her and she obviously wants to be married.

If I were a gambling man, I'd bet that if the ex offered to marry her you'd be history. Three months probably isn't going to change that.

[Tjdude]

Wally, i think u are right, sadly. I started as a good friend for her and then things changed, but i don't think there is enough to build something yet, and not while he is around. What worries me is that if i give up on her, probably she'll have no other option then return to this guy, who is a total jerk by the way. At least now, she have an option, she is not taking it, but i know her, and without any support, she will go with him because she has no one else.
But in any case, i think the best will be for me and her to get back to just friends and see what happens after december. The only think i regret is that i realy feel like i'm in love with her, and i miss her so much when she is not around, i'm sure she doesn't love like i do, but it'll be so hard for me to loose her, and then again, i can't loose what i never had, right?
Well, c ya guys, thanks for the advise.