Boyfirends mother HATES me

[Cate]

I try so hard to be nice to this women…I REALLY do…but man she makes it SO HARD…today she said “Hank…Come get the phone…it’s your ditsy friend” then she called me “the epitome of blonde”. I am NOT stupid…I’m in college and I have a 3.5 GPA…she thinks because I’m an art major that I’m dumb…I don’t thing she realizes that my minor is art history…you have to be more then a dumb blonde to do take the class load I have…tonight she picks up the phone while me and my boyfriend were talking and says “You are so disrespectful to me… I don’t have the kind of life that lets me do things like go to the park and draw or fun shit like that…I have a JOB…I have to WORK” …I also have a job I am broke 90% of the time…working AND going to school is not an easy thing to do…I do not know what to do to please this women…whenever she talks to me like this I just never say anything and she freaks out because she says I don’t talk…and then when I try and be nice she just puts on this fake smile and is nice back for a day or two the goes right back to hating me. I don’t know what to do….My boyfriend isn’t fond of her either…in fact she is worse to him than she is to me…MUCH worse…I am just worried I am going to lose my temper…’cause if she calls me dumb or talks down to me one more time I’m gonna lose it…ok…sorry for this rant…but if anyone knows how to deal with this…PLEASE HELP!

[WallyLlama]

Since it sounds like you're not alone in this (she treats everyone that way?) it's obviously more about her than it is about you. I don't think she hates you. People who attack and insult others readily usually hate themselves; that's where the anger comes from. That might be a bit reassuring but probably not very helpful.

I see at least two options. One is to react as if she's right... I know that will be hard, but you can also do it with some humor. ("You're right! Blonde is not just a hair color!&quot It might disarm her. It's also a subtle way of letting her know that her behavior doesn't affect you much.

The second option is to confront it head on. The key to that is to do it calmly and without anger. You might even want to eat a little crow when you do it: "Mrs. X, I know you're older than me and have a lot more life experience, but..."

It sounds like you're being verbally abused. You have to teach her that she is not going to do that - being her victim is a choice you are not going to make. Even if she continues to say the words, they are not going to hurt you.

Toughen up! Remember, sometimes the only way to win is to refuse to enter the game.

[Rawbob]

Take a deep breath.

First, you are NOT going to change this woman. Her anger is deep-seeded and it sounds like she's very unhappy with her lot in life and, as was already posted, she treats others with a similar form of disrespect.

The only other issue is her son. I'm sure she's overprotective and is projecting her lot in life on her. She's imagning her son having to "pay" for everythign because you don't have a "real job."

All that said, you really have just a few options:
1) Talk to your boyfriend and ask him to interceed on your behalf. While your just dating, you do have the right to ask him to talk to his mother about giving you AND he some space to date. If he refuses, you have to consider why. Perhaps it's that he knows it will do no good, or perhaps he'd feel too guilty about crackin down on his mother, whatever - i'd be a bit leery of a grown man who can't talk to his mother about his personal life.

2) Avoidance: If he won't or can't interceed, and you STILL want to date, then change the circumstances of the dating. Tell him that seein her and hearing her berate you all the time. Tell him you want to meet at your place or in a neutral location and that he shoudl NOT call you if she's around.

Hope this helps

[demonbuttercup]

Try not to let her get you down
I concur (lol) that its more likely she hates herself rather than you. she's probably a bitter lady who is jealous of what you have. a great b/f, opportunities in school and life.
maybe she chose another path for herself, I dunno? maybe she had kids young, or her b/f or husband left her to take care of herself.
I'm not Psych. but I could be..lol.

Yeah, I think if anything your b/f should be like, geez mom leave her alone. she didn't do anything to you... or something like that. you know, us girls want to take care of ourselves but we also like it when someone takes up for us. thats why feminism has confused all the guys...lol.

im lucky that my b/f's parents like me and i like them. we get along so no troubles.
like i said, just try not to let it bring you down.
good luck!

[Cate]

My b/f has talked to her....quite a few times...and she is nice for a little while but then just goes back to being the same...I have never needed him to take care of me...if anything I take care or him and I think that's one thing that really gets to her...almost like I could be taking her place. I get along with his dad really well and he gets along with my family...it's not looking like we are going to break-up anytime soon...we are talking about getting married...and I love him to the piont where I would deal with this (and a whole lot more if I had too) but I just wish I could talk to her openly about how I'm feeling and even about how she is feeling...but I know it would end bad.

[WallyLlama]

Well, this won't be the first time the mother/daughter-in-law relationship is fairly stressful.

Personally, I'm not convinced it's something your bf can fix or, for that matter, should attempt to fix on your behalf. It might, however, make sense for you and him to talk with her together.

If you're convinced you can't change the relationship by talking to her... and it is very difficult to change another person unless she wants to change, then you'll have to figure out someway to deal with it on your own.

One of the reasons I suggested humor is that you ought to take a look at what she's getting out of treating you the way she does. (It accomplishes something or gives her some benefit.) If you can change that dynamic, you MIGHT see a difference in her behavior.

But it's also unlikely she'll ever become your biggest fan. Conversely, I think totally avoiding her or making demands escalates things and actually plays into her hands.

Again, sometimes the only way to win is not to enter the game. You are a more mature and emotionally responsible person than she is, right? Why would you want to prove otherwise?

[Cate]

wow...I tried the humor....and it helped. It was my bf's birthday yesterday and we got together with his parents. She started in with the same old crap and I just went along with a smile and a laugh...my boyfirend was confused as hell but then his mother just didn't know what to say so she started being nice...it was fake, forced niceness of coures..but hey..it's better than being talked down too, right?

[demonbuttercup]

glad to hear Cate. yeah, fake niceness is better than no niceness at all.
sometimes humor just totally throws people off. i mean she's being mean to hurt your feelings and get a reaction. if she can't get that out of you, hopefully she will just give up and stop trying.

[WallyLlama]

It may not work 100% but go with it for as long as it does... she may decide she's met her match and back off. You're allowed to feel a little smug; you took away her pleasure and are the better person for it.

[experimenter]

I think Wally's advice with the humor tactics are good, but maybe also try to combine them with the "kill them with kindness" theory. It's hard to hate someone and berate someone all the time who is so damned nice to you all the time. Plus, by doing that, it makes his mother look really insane when she does berate you. Everyone will be like "what's your problem?! the girl is always so nice to you!" But yeah, the humor thing is great also.

Is your situation such that you have to see his mother often? And does his father and mother live together? Maybe you could try talking to his father to see if he has any insight as to why she treats you both so badly. And if you two do end up getting married, you gotta think about what her negative attitude would mean when you have kids (if you decide to). I definately wouldn't want my children around someone who is constantly trashing me. Something to think about...