Worried about how attractive you are (or aren't)?

[Norinco]

i appreciate the responses to posts i've been getting. additionally i've actually found that typing out my problems allows me to analyze them a bit more clearly (prior to this i didn't really address any of these issues with anyone) so this post is sort of rambling but theuraputic for me. so if you get bored by all means bail out of the thread as this is sort of a self analysis anyway. feel free to add commentary though....
in my ongoing quest to discover why i do so poorly with women i keep coming back to one issue. am i physically unattractive? well i don't know. that's a problem. how does one evaluate one's own physical attractiveness? you can't trust what family says obviously.....they would tell you that you're handsome if you had a squid growing out of the middle of your face. i've had non relatives tell me i'm attractive too though. but i don't know if i can effectivly compete with other guys my age in the looks dept. or maybe i can.....who knows?
i don't really think of myself as unattractive.....i mean i'm certainly no...uh....who's this week's big hollywood pretty boy anyway? i dunno, i don't keep track of these idiots....but anyway...i'm no movie star, but i always assumed i was not bad looking. in high school (before my self esteem plummeted)i was rated a 7 or 8 out of a 1-10 "cute" scale during one of those stupid highschool "ratings" discussions.. i was quite pleased as this is a good solid rating in my opnion (i'm still happy with it, if it's still accurate) but was the girl just being "polite"? i'll never know.......
plus i've learned that one's own perception of self is often quite different then the way others see you. this is an odd statement to make....but it's a good example, apparently i'm much thinner looking then i thought, i won't bother elaborating on that, but basically i guess i'm more "rangy" looking then i had assumed....someone estimated my wieght at 130-140 pounds when i'm actually closer to 180 (i guess it's all muscle or something...wierd) and i've received a lot of comments "jeez you're a rail" "you're so thin" etc... no eating disoder comments here.... because like i said i'm 5'10" and close to 180 pounds...i guess i just don't look it. but it makes me wonder how many of my other self perceptions are incorrect.
point is i'm confused about whether i could be considred an attractive person or not. this was not helped when after previously clear complexion i got hit....hard....with acne at age 20. it was a bad bad outbreak...deep lesions, the doctor speculated a surgical procedure might be neccessary to correct it.....and hows this for tragic...the lesions were so bad and so extensive it literally hurt to smile, the facial muscular movement neccessary put pressure on the lesions. luckily new medication finally took care of it, but it has left me with extreme complexion paranoia to this day and i refuse to go off the perscriptions for fear that it will come back (i'm prone to it for some reason) the episode left my face a bit scarred up but it's luckily not too pronounced.
(my advice to anyone with severe acne is GET THE HELL ON A PERSCRIPTION FOR IT NOW!!!, don't wait for it to "go away on it's own, because it may not)
i developed an odd habit during the Acne breakout period though, that still continues today. i dislike looking at my own reflection in a mirror without sunglasses on. why? because the darkening effect of the glasses on my vision muted the appreance of my horrible complexion in the mirror and made it more palatable to me. i haven't gotten over this habit even though the problem has cleared up. i still prefer the muted, obscured me in the mirror to the real thing. (i wonder what that means....great i probably have some wierd psych disorder now...)
so that's one issue. when i see women out and about that i'd like to talk to there is almost always a feeling of self doubt "jeez i may not be attractive enough to talk to her" or "i don't think she's in my league." this combined with shyness results in guess what: nothing. norinco goes home, shuts the blinds, and watches "apocalypse now" for the 25th time. (good thing i don't drink...) i've had non relatives say i'm attractive.....one older lady said i looked like i could model (i think she must have been exaggerating a bit but it was a nice flattering compliment). and then there was that creepy jefferey dahmer-esque guy who tried to pick me up in a parking lot (he asked me if i "liked to party" and gave off a real "serial killer" vibe). so some people ...old women and menacing gay guys think i'm cute....that's not really the demographic i'm trying to appeal to here however.
i'm just baffled. my final appraisal is that i'm probably not bad looking, but i'm not attractive enough to bank on my looks alone, like some people can. my appearence is probably negated by my extremly introverted personality. women are not interested in a "sort of" attractive guy with a confidence problem.
so it all comes back to personality....crap, that's not as easily fixed!

[Tessie]

Norinco I appreciate how open and honest you were with your feelings and I think you definately deserve a response to your post.

I wonder what it would take for you to feel good about your looks. You mentioned that people that have said you are a nice looking guy. Why is it that you can't believe them?

I understand having acne can greatly effect yourself image. I have suffered with it my whole life. I am also overweight and have never thought myself very attractive.

Until I got on the net and started meeting people and showing them what I looked liked. I actually got mad at my husband after I was told so many times that I was cute and had a nice smile. I wanted to know why he never told me that. Which of course he said he did.

My point being that sometimes we have to be told these things over and over and we have to make ourselves start to believe it. It's still hard for me not to get all insecure from time to time but it is getting easier. I try not to feel that the skinny, prettier girls are better then me and that others do find me attractive.

I also think attitude plays an even bigger role. You have to believe in yourself outside your looks. I am an extrovert so that has helped me to put myself out there.

You being an introvert means you have to work harder at it is all. But confindence that comes from within is very attractive to women.

Also if you want to get some honest reaction to what you do look like by a total stranger then why don't you post your pic on the pic thread here on the board. Or you can PM it to me and I promise to be brutally honest. Hey, I am a naturally curious woman and now I really want to set eyes on you. I have always liked the thin ones myself. *

[JNII]

Well Norinco, this is what I think...

It seems to me that for whatever reason you are very down on yourself. Your self confidence is not high enough, for you seem to constantly feel inadequate. here is my response to your fear of how you look. You said many times that you have been complimented as being handsome, but you have also complained that it was not coming from the person you would like ot hear it from. Now I could be very wrong with this, but i feel that no matter what kind of person you are, gay, old young, beautiful, you will have a similar perception of what that person looks like, whether or not he is handsome. In my opinion, good looking guys are a dime a dozen. Females aren't out finding guys based on their looks. They would never go up to a boy adn randomly pick hima dn compliment him based on his looks, where an old lady would be more prone to do that. A single female looks for more important things to compliment these looks such as personality and COMPATABILITY.

To me, your biggest problem is not your "lack of looks", but your lack of confidence. The only way I can think that can be fixed is if every negative notion you have about yourself is proved wrong. And this can only be proved wrong in teh interactions you have with other people. I think that if you can develop a relationship with someone you have great compatability with, your true self will be revealed. Hopefully the affection you will receive fromt his person will show you how good a person you can be.

[mspersia82]

Plenty of women are into "sort of attractive guy(s)" as you put it. They are probably "sort of" attractive women themselves. If you don't think you're all that and a bag of chips in the looks department then you should be sure that you are not only interested in and pursuing the fine as hell model look alike chicks. Also remember that there is someone for everyone. There are plenty of people that will find you attractive.

[Chewger]

I agree with JNII on this one, for sure. It's all confidence. I never approached girls when I was single. I also never had a date. I don't consider myself amazing, I don't stop women in their tracks. Confidence is what attracts a woman to a man. They don't want to deal with you issues. Honestly, just ask your female friends what you have going for you, not what you need to improve. Ask them to tell you what your main features are and what makes you attractive, then you can walk up to a girl knowing that you have an "incredible ass," or "a gorgeous smile."

I used to feel really jealous when my girlfriend would make comments about other guys that she thought were hot. Then she said to me one night, "babe, I wouldn't be with you if I didn't think you were hot." So, whenever she looks at these good looking guys, I know that she thinks I am at least on par with them, if not better. It's all about confidence. But don't get too cocky, becuase then they won't like you for other reasons.

[Norinco]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (Chewger @ Aug. 06 2004,20:30)]then you can walk up to a girl knowing that you have an "incredible ass," or "a gorgeous smile."

i have a cool coat i wear in winter....how's that?

i'm not really sure what my best feature is.
i dunno, i just have serious "confidence problem". i'm unhappy with everything about myself and i guess others can spot that pretty easily. at the risk of sounding cliched there isn't much to like.
i guess i need a serious life change.
i've lived a very lonely and isolated 23 years, not just alone, but "wierd alone". which might explain my social anxiety. and i also had (have?) a problem with depression, for which i took paxil for about a year.
so i'm sure those factors don't help.

[mjv154]

Beauty is not skin deep. *The way you look physically does not soley determine how attractive you are.
*
*Many women are much more interested in a genuine person who is caring and respectful, than they are in some macho dude, with big bicepts and a tiny brain.

*Your sincerity and sensativity resound in your post. *These are two of the most attractive characteristics a woman can imagine. *

Very few women say, "If only I could meet a good looking guy", *they all say, "If only I could meet a NICE guy."

*So, Norinco be the nice guy. *From experience I have found that you need little more when you approch a girl, than a good smile, and something kind and sinceer to say to her.

[Norinco]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (mjv154 @ Aug. 08 2004,22:09)]Very few women say, "If only I could meet a good looking guy", *they all say, "If only I could meet a NICE guy."

*

if that were true, then how come "nice guys finish last"? ....and they do...
women always say they want a "nice guy"........and yet they turn around and always go for the loud-mouthed arrogant A**hole, who shoots heroin, cranks up rap music in his car (even though he's white ), screws around behind her back, knocks her up and ditches her, and often kicks the crap out of her.........not neccessarily in that order. oh but women love the "bad boys". some women even say so right off the bat, and i applaud them for actually being up front about it.

i'm not an angel by any means...i swear like a sailor, cheat on tests, and i was a big time pyro as a kid (i think i still am, but i live in the city now so i can't safely play with fire ).....but my competition makes me look like i could be nominated for sainthood

but i guess i could work on my "nice guy" routine. i've long said "i'm not bad enough to be a 'bad a**' and not nice enough to be 'nice guy' . i occupy a rather uncomfotable niche here........
as far as the attractiveness thing......i dunno, i still think i'm pretty good looking...but the lack of interest displayed by women my age makes me doubt myself..... i suppose if i really wanted to spew some BS i could tell myself that i'm so attractive, women are just intimidated by me..........

anyway Norinco is going to the dermatologist today at 1:45 for a "check-up" because he's still paranoid about his complexion

......i'm sure it's fine, but i like to be told as much just the same.

[mjv154]

Your right, nice guys do finish last. *That is the point...WE FINISH. *Does that loud mouth jerk end up happy, in a wonderful relationship? *No he does not, he bounces from one abusive, unloving relationship to the next. *He stumbles his way through the race of life and never makes it across the finish line. *

*You Norinco are a finisher.

[Norinco]

well yeah i guess if all the bad guys get stuck in prison, (where most of these wannabe gangbangers who think they are tough will end up getting traded off as someone's "jail bride" for a pack of cigs) or killed in shootouts with SWAT teams. that boosts my odds so i guess the better guys do actually finish.

i kinda wish natural selection would pick up the pace here though. it's getting pretty lonely.

BTW the dermatologist says i'm fine.......she wants to start gradually weaning me off the antibiotics. she's concerned they could be affecting my white blood cell count.......though she doesn't think it's likely. i'm not having any immune failures or anything, i haven't had so much as a cold in at least a year.

i really should ditch this "shy" crap and just start talking to women. i'm getting no where with shyness.
which leads me into my next thread topic. stay tuned.......