Can time heal unhealthy relationships

[JNII]

Hi everyone,

I have a simple questions. Is it possible to ruin a relationship or erase someone's love for you with inescurities adn lack of confidence. For example can jealousy, insecurity or lack of trust destroy relationship or make it "unheathy". AND can time heal unhealthy relationships?

If I have fought with my partner over me being insecure about her love for me or have not trusted what she has said to me, could this permanently damage teh relationship we have?


Thank you very much to anyone who can help me

[demonbuttercup]

well all of those can definetly make a relationship unhealthy.
i think little by little it can wear down your relationship till there is nothing left.
w/out trust, you can't really have a true relationship whether is a lover, friend, or family.
i know it would definetly hurt my feelings if my b/f felt like he couldn't trust me especially if i had never done anything to make him think that.

i would suggest you try and deal w/ your insecurities. if your g/f tells you she loves you and you don't believe it, its going to be hard for her to continue doing so. has she done anything to make you think she's lying? like has she cheated on you or anything?

[JNII]

no no no... the main issue here with me is that for some certain reasons she has been unable to show me affection and give to me, and she is constantly holding backa nd spending time wit other guys... yet she tells me how much she loves me but doesnt really show it. And I feel very very very hurt bya ll this. And it causes fights and it causes her pain that I am upset. But most of all we have to keep havng the same discussion that she loves me but really needs time. And she gets aggrivated because she feels liek she has to keep reassuring me. And in terms of the trust thing, I've heard from her friends many times that she has a guy she is getting close to and could hook up with. and the first tiem i brought ti up she denied it, and the next time she got hurt and upset that i wasn't listening to her...

Basically i'm scared that im pushing her adn pushing her adn annoying her to a point where shes getting fed up with me. And my question is if I back off for a little bit and give her the time she needs will she forgive me for being like this? Wills he forget baout that fight we had?

Bec i am behaving irrationally and not respecting what she wants, coudl time heal that and make her forgive me for it?

[JNII]

Also another intreestign fact, her last boyfriend broke up with ehr bec of his lack of trust for her.

But i genuinely do trust her... I just am insecure and I become doubtful which makes her aggrivated..

[Tessie]

Ok I am not seeing what you are doing something wrong here. You say she spends lots of time with other guys, unable to show affection to you, and there is someone else she may hook up with.

JNII, I would be going ballistic over that. You have every right to be hurt. But more important you have a right to stand up for yourself and to let her know what you expect in this relationship. As she does too. But obviouly since you two are fighting so much that is not happening.

Jealously, insecurity and lack of trust will destroy a relationship. Once those are broken it is very hard to regain them back. Relationships are hard work that take constant attention from both people.

You say you trust her but you are insecure. So is this her problem or is it yours? I have known people that have so much insecurity they will destroy a relationship just to prove themselves right. But I do see that your girl friend is not respecting you either.

Fighting about this won't solve the problem. You need to sit down and have some real communication about what your relationship means to each other. And if she can't meet those requirements or you can't change what it is that makes you feel this way then I suggest you call it quits.

[WallyLlama]

Lots of things to think about from the replies so far... with the clear conclusion that jealousy and insecurity can ruin a relationship. I want to address the question:

Can time heal unhealthy relationships?

Simple answer: No.

Much like being sick.. healing unhealthy relationships requires diagnosis and prescription (effort).

From all you've said in this thread, there is work to do and you have to do it together.

[JNII]

But let's say I am the problem, is it possible to back off and give her time to forgive me while I make a personal change myself. I mean she is asking for time. Because I do't really want to have to have another serious painful conversation with her. Basically the problem is that she feels I listen to what other people say and not her. AND she is aggrivated because she has to keep reassuring me that she loves me.
By giving her time to think, giving her what she needs, will that heal those two problems. For example I told her I believe what she says ot me but I was just confused about what I am hearing and i wanted ot tlak to it about her and shot got mad. Will her anger over that blow over? Sorry it's very complicated

[demonbuttercup]

more than likely, if you give her time...she'll just spend it w/ those other guys.
i mean you say she's aggravated that she has to keep reassuring you that she loves you? but actions speak louder than words. i mean i can imagine you would be kind of confused about her feelings if she constantly says one thing but her actions don't back it up.

giving her time and space won't solve your problem and how can you deal w/ your insecurities when in actuality she'll be spending her "alone time" w/ another guy perhaps.
its a very complicated situation.
maybe you do need to take a break but don't think it will magically "fix" everything. maybe just put more perspective on the situation. you might find you weren't the problem after all.

[vagabondprince]

JNII, i know you want to see this as a problem with you, but it really isn't that. You want something else out of a relationship than she does. It sounds like she is not at all ready to be in a serious/semiserious relationship. It sounds like since her hanging out with other guys and possibly hooking up with someone frustrates you, you would prefer a more serious relationship. it is impossible to tell when she might be ready for a serious relationship.

I am in a similar relationship; she and i have been together for a year now, and even though she says she loves me and all, she felt she needed to take the summer to date other people in order to figure out if i am the right one for her. She still doesn't know and the summer is almost up. I plan on ending the relationship if she doesn't make up her mind...it has hurt way too much knowing what she's done.
If what she's doing is causing you emotional distress and pain, it may not stop anytime soon. I can't recommend any specific action, i can only give an example from personal experience of a similar relationship.

[secretly_shy]

I had an ex who was very possessive, it got to the stage where he was skipping the job he had in the evenings to spend time with me, and changed his lectures over so he was in the same as mine. He also had my females friends fone numbers and used to txt to make sure i was with them.

I was also really good mates with the lads who lived in the flat below mine, so quite often went to theirs after a lecture before going home to cook my dinner, and he got jealous about that.

Needless to say enough was enough, and i dumped him for the care-free life of a singleton.
My current boyfriend is an absolute dream! doesnt go mad trying to keep track of me, but cares just the right amount - I guess thats why we've lasted over a year now *