Girlfriend feels guilty after sex?

[Marc]

My girlfriend and I have been going out for about 6 months now and we have only had sex a few times. The thing is, she says she always feels guilty afterwards. She feels this way because she always wanted to wait till she was married to have sex. (I'm not the first guy she's had sex with either) I really love and care for her, so I told her we can wait.....
The problem is that when we start to fool around in bed, as I'm fingering her, she will tell me that she wants to f*** me bad. (She'll even go as far as to try and physically move me into her)That'd usually be a huge plus but now it's just annoying because I always know she'll just feel guilty afterwards. I just can't do that to her, it makes me feel guilty as well. Does anyone have any insight on this situation?Thanks.

[WallyLlama]

I'm not sure I have any insight, but I do have a couple of thoughts.

The first is that if you want to address this with her, it needs to be done sitting up fully clothed.

That's the time to see this as a pretty simple choice:

Either stop having sex or she needs to stop feeling guilty.

That's simple, but not necessarily easy. There is a third option, I suppose. You could get used to the idea she's going to feel guilty after.

My point is you both need to work out an agreement you both are going to live with. If she truly does not want to have sex before marriage, you need to stay out of the bed.

I'd say, explore the guilt since she doesn't seem very determined to abstain from sex - as you say, you're not the first. Feeling "guilty" may be her way of giving herself permission to do what she believes is wrong. ("It's okay to enjoy the moment as long as I'm miserable after.&quot

When you explore the guilt, it's important that you TRY to remain "neutral" so it doesn't sound like you're trying to talk her into guilt-free sex. What you really want to do is understand what's going on, where the guilt is coming from, etc.

Again: sitting upright, fully clothed.

[lilly2279]

Well, I think that little head game would screw me up. If I had wonderful sex with someone and he was like "ohhh, now I feel so guilty" I would feel like crap.

If she insists on always saying this and ruining "the afterglow" of sex, then I would do just as wally said.

Sit her down and talk to her about it - fully clothed. lol.

Next time she begs to be f***ed, tell her you can't because you hate feeling guilty afterwards. Tell her it hurts you when she feels bad after sex, when you enjoy it so much with her. Get up and away from her if you have to. Tell her you will only do it, if she is SURE that is what she wants because you dont' want to feel guilty afterwards. If you do it and she starts bellyaching about feeling guilty again, I would tell her that you won't have sex again, then, and stick to it.

I, personally, think it's a headgame. It's not like you took her virginity. She doesn't have a right to make you feel guilty over something you both wanted.

[Marc]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (WallyLlama @ Aug. 01 2004,03:42)]When you explore the guilt, it's important that you TRY to remain "neutral" so it doesn't sound like you're trying to talk her into guilt-free sex. What you really want to do is understand what's going on, where the guilt is coming from, etc.

Thanks for all the great information.

When we had talked before, about waiting for marriage, she said it was the fact that she always "wanted" to wait and that it was the right thing to do. I put the wanted in quotes because it makes me upset that she has had other partners before.

It also bothers me that I never knew this is how she truely felt untill after we had sex a couple of times. AND THEN she tells me she felt guilty, even with her other past boyfriends. Either way, It didn't seem to bother her that she took my virginity. I dont want to complain about that, since I love her, but I would've been perfectly willing to wait had she told me before.

Getting to the bottom of it, the reason she said she didn't tell me about not wanting sex was because of all the pressure from her friends having sex and blah blah blah. I lost my virginity to her because I loved her. Now I have it over my head that she feels guilty about herself and how SHE wanted to wait. How the hell does she think I feel?

Sorry I'm venting but I wont be able to see her untill wednesday and dont feel like talking about it over the phone.

Everything that has happened was because of our poor communication. It hasn't been great but it is getting better then it was back in college.

I really wouldn't mind if I could get her to have guilt-free sex but I'd be happy with just waiting. (Unless we decide to wait and she pulls that "have sex with me" crap again)

Please feel free to ad any opinions you might have. Also, if you have any questions about what I just wrote, feel free to ask. I don't want to bottle things up and I truly appreciate the insight. Thank you.

[WallyLlama]

Just another thought... it's POSSIBLE that she's offering the guilt as a way of apologizing to you and gaining your approval. If she's serious about you she may be seeking some reassurance that you are "okay" with the fact that she's not a virgin.

My bias is, however, that people who continually express guilt are (perhaps unconciously) being manipulative and making others responsible for their feelings. You've now got this "over your head," but the reality is you are not the one making her feel guilty. She's responsible for her actions and her feelings. You're responsible for yours.

You don't want your relationship to deteriorate into finger pointing.

Venting is okay, it often creates perspective.

[Marc]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (WallyLlama @ Aug. 02 2004,03:42)]Just another thought... it's POSSIBLE that she's offering the guilt as a way of apologizing to you and gaining your approval. If she's serious about you she may be seeking some reassurance that you are "okay" with the fact that she's not a virgin.

That's is a good possibility but she also stopped having sex with her old boyfriend after a while. (Maybe same issue? I don't really know though)

I'm not really sure what to think. When I talked to her last night, she said she would never feel guilty for us having had sex. Then she also said that that was not an excuse to start having sex again. I don't know why she said that because I've told her numerous times that I don't mind waiting...

I know she does wish she would've waited for me and it still does bother me from time to time. She also knows I do feel bad about it, that could also be part of the problem. I know I can't turn back time but she's so perfect in every other way.

We've also had quite a few fights where I've almost left her. She would pour her heart out to me so that we wouldn't break up. She says she would do anything for me. I would just sometimes feel she never cared untill those moments where we were about to break up. My guess is she doesn't want to have sex because she's afraid if we did breakup, she'd feel guilty. Maybe she has guilt from having sex with her old boyfriends and having nothing come of it. (Who knows) If she feels I am the one she wants to be with forever, she wants to see if I can wait. This is all speculation though. This is also an extremely difficult topic for us to discuss since it has affected us both and has gotten way out of hand.

Another thing she said was that if we got married she wants it to be like the first time ever.

I really do love her and it's hard to just get over some stuff. I know I have to though and I really want to. Any ideas you have about this would be appreciated. I'm kinda just guessing here and my friends aren't doing a great job, haha.

......
EDIT:
I don't think I've been such a great boyfriend for her though. She really cares for me and I'm probably making her feel guilty for what had happened with her in the past. I should be more supportive for her and tell her that what's in the past is in the past. Yes, it did bother me but I'm starting to realize it doesn't matter anyways. She's with me and that's all that counts. Sure, I wish I was her first but so what. If I can have her forever then that really doesn't matter. Any opinions on any of this?

[WallyLlama]

You may be over-analyzing. There is a condition called "analysis paralysis" where the problem never gets solved because there's never enough information and no conclusion ever gets reached.

At that point you have to slap yourself in the face and say, "Okay, so where do I want to go from here?"

You get out of the past and into the present and look to the future.

If this is about being "the first," I do have an idea and suggestion. So you've both had sex. (That's the past.) Now you get decide if you're going to continue. (That's the present.) And on that special honeymoon night you'll be able to FULLY give yourselves to each other, something you've never done with another person. (That's the future.)

Ya think?

[anne]

dont have sex with her anymore. she will only feel guilty and so will you.
simple i think that she can still wait til marriage and stop all sexual contact. come on! if a guy is fingering me i am horny and want sex because of that. i am not in my right mind to make such a decision.
stop fingering her obviously

[ductapefaerie]

I think this is one topic I can relate to pretty well. Not perfectly, because well, I don't have sex yet, but the part about her telling you to "f*** her"...yeah...it really is out of her control by that point. After a while, you lose all self control and let your animal instinct take over. Maybe all she needs is to learn some self discipline so she won't be lacking so much self control...it's hard, but it is possible

[Extra-Titanian]

Well there's always this way out, go to the nearest church, and both of you become "born again virgins".