21, Alone, and I set myself up to fail...

[ftcollinsboy121]

I swear, every week its another problem. Can't ask someone out cause I'm too afraid and don't want to get hurt. Get pissed at myself for not doing it. Ask someone out, get my expectations relatively up (just a yes is up for me), and get all butt-hurt when its a no. Etc etc etc...

Am I going crazy?

[thetease13]

nope, you're perfectly normal.

i have learned to pretty much expect the worst.
everytime i look forward to something like getting together with my guy, and then it goes sour, it hurts like a bitch. it really does.
so i've really come to just expect that what i want to happen, won't, so if it actually does, i won't be let down. i'll be the exact opposite.
sure, there are times i get my hopes up and i hate myself for doing it afterwards when it all goes sour, but that's the price you pay for being human.

so rest assure, you're not crazy.
you're human. it's not always fun being human. lol.

[Tessie]

[quote]so i've really come to just expect that what i want to happen, won't, so if it actually does, i won't be let down. *i'll be the exact opposite.
sure, there are times i get my hopes up and i hate myself for doing it afterwards when it all goes sour, but that's the price you pay for being human.[\Quote]


That is very wrong attitude to life and how to be in a relationship. I am sorry but you should expect the best from your partner. Yes if you get disappointed it hurts. But why would you hate yourself when it wasn't your fault you got let down. I would be upset or mad. But to hate yourself is never a good idea.


Now ftcollinsboy121
You can't let yourself not have a relationship because you might get hurt. What kind of life would that be.

How often do you ask girls out? Under what setting? Why do you think these girls are saying no?

Do you give off the vibe with them that you already expect a no? Or do you ask the wrong girls out so you get the no you already expect to get?

You need to ask yourself these questions and probably more. If you see things you are or could be doing wrong then you need to change them.

There is a good show on TLC about teaching people how to date. They clean them up and fix whatever fixable flaws they might have. The person works on their self-esteem so they feel good about themselves then they send them out there to get phone numbers and talk to girls. You can do the same thing.

Look at it as a mission. Guard your heart and go for it until the right one walks into your life. Remember that you are worth having a girl friend.

Good luck *

[thetease13]

[QUOTE=[b]Quote[/b] (Tessie @ July 24 2004,22:56)]

so i've really come to just expect that what i want to happen, won't, so if it actually does, i won't be let down. *i'll be the exact opposite.
sure, there are times i get my hopes up and i hate myself for doing it afterwards when it all goes sour, but that's the price you pay for being human.[\Quote]


That is very wrong attitude to life and how to be in a relationship. I am sorry but you should expect the best from your partner. Yes if you get disappointed it hurts. But why would you hate yourself when it wasn't your fault you got let down. I would be upset or mad. But to hate yourself is never a good idea.

for me it works. it prepares me for things in life.
you don't have to like it, you don't have to agree with me. you certainly don't have to follow it as you obviously don't.
it's all to each his own and again, for me it works.
i'd rather prepare myself for the worst.

[Tessie]

I didn't mean to upset you Tease. I just found the statement sad. I know that life can hurt bad. And the ones you love can hurt you. It was hating yourself when it does happen I objected to the most. I think you are worth more then to treat yourself that way. But yes you do whatever works for you. *


I also wanted ftcollinsboy121 to stop getting upset with himself and to figure out ways to improve his situation with the ladies. Just complaining about the way things are will never change them. One must take action.

[WallyLlama]

An optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A pessimist sees the glass as half-empty.
A realist sees a glass that somebody is going to have to wash eventually.

Seriously, this is a subject I can (and have) written pages about... there is a fine line between being prepared for worst case scenarios and expecting them to happen.

Ironically, the people best prepared for the worst are often those with the highest self-esteem and confidence. It's partly a case of knowing they can handle whatevery comes their way, whether it's Publisher's Clearing House Prize Patrol or their partner running off with someone else.

Self-fulfilling prophecies are a reality. The subconcious mind is a powerful tool and it works whether we choose to make it work for us or against us.

The great thing about being negative and self-deprecating is that it means you aren't responsible for yourself. "I suck at math, so there's no point in studying because I'm going to fail anyway."

I often look at situations with a "what's the worst that can happen" approach (fail the course), but when I do I also force myself to look at "what's the best that can happen" (get an "A).

Then I do the stuff that heads me in the "best" direction (study).

It's called "balance." Erring on the positive makes tons of sense. I guess by some standards that means I'm not normal.

Frankly, I think that's great!

[thetease13]

It's ok. Don't worry about it.

I am a girl that has never had a problem with myself.
I don't have low self-esteem. Never have. Never gave into peer pressure. Never wanted to change the way I looked or anything about me. I like who I am and I am a rare breed.

Preparing for the worst is what gets me by, so then, when it doesn't go that way, I can get delighted. And when it does go that way, I can just move on to the next thing.
Is it hard not to get my hopes up? Like you would never believe. But I deal with it and most of the time, in the end, I win. lol.
I don't hate myself so to speak, but I "hate" myself because letting my hopes win is like being defeated by someone. It's hard to explain really. It's like I let someone else win my own battle or something.

And to wally, there are some of us out there that can still study our ass off and still fail.
I'm living proof. lol.
I have found, ironically enough, that the less I study, the higher grade I seem to get.
But either way, I still prepare myself to fail it, so that way, when I do, it isn't so bad. lol.

[oberon]

Oh, tease, you and I are WAAAAYYYY too much alike. I, too, think the wisest course is to prepare for the worst. For the EXACT reason that you gave. If everything works out, then you can be delighted, but if everything "goes to hell in a handbasket" then you have your bases covered.

The hardest thing for me about dealing with things like this is not to become a cynic. It's very easy to think "nothing is ever going to work out, nobody is ever worth the trouble, life isn't fair, and I'm just going to go live in a cave somewhere". But I know better. Some things DO work out and some people ARE worth the trouble. You've just got to put your self in the position to fail if you want to succeed.

[thetease13]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (oberon @ July 25 2004,12:56)]The hardest thing for me about dealing with things like this is not to become a cynic. *It's very easy to think "nothing is ever going to work out, nobody is ever worth the trouble, life isn't fair, and I'm just going to go live in a cave somewhere". *But I know better. *Some things DO work out and some people ARE worth the trouble. *You've just got to put your self in the position to fail if you want to succeed.

exactly.

[Tjdude]

I'm a guy who also likes to follow the "thetease philosophy". It's not that i think it is the best way to go, I just think it's the one that works for me. I've seen those people with the "i can do it" attitude almost fainting out of frustration when things don't go the way they expected and taking an eternity to make a new plan or take a new direcction just because they never expected to fail at all. I'm not saying that others approaches to life are bad, you just have to play the cards you have the best you can.

for ftcollinsboy121, all i can say is that try to learn from every experience you have, either good or bad. If you ask some one and she said yes, try to learn why yes, or why not. It's normal to be afraid of rejection, just don't give up to fear and keep trying. gl