Treat her too much like a friend?

[disseff87]

I was just given a warning that my girlfriend might break up with me soon. Her friend said she thinks I act like we're nothing more than friends and she's about 10 times hornier than me. I have had problems with affection with all of my past girlfriends. I also seem to not have that much of a sex drive for being a 17/m. She also said that she's tired of putting initiative forward when i'm not for sexual activites, we've only made out and she hasn't put a lot of initative forward. Except one time...

I really really like her, I've liked her for 3 years and finally got my chance. How should I try to keep her? I don't want to break up because I truly think I love her. How can I handle this? I really don't want to break up since we get along so great... especially since I will stop talking to her when we break up(bad habit with ex's, completely ignore them so I don't have to deal with them).

Help please. I'm going to probably see her after school on monday and walk down to a lake near my school to talk. What should I say? thanks..

[demonbuttercup]

well id definetly talk w/ her about it and tell her pretty much what you just told us.
she probably sees your lack of affection as lack of interest on your part.
she might just feel that you have lost interest in her and your relationship.
just let her know that you still really like her and want to continue working on the relationship together.

how long have you guys been together?
there's shouldn't be any rush in the sexual dept. same as we tell guys not to pressure their g/f's... same works vice versa.
she just might feel that you don't find her attractive or something... i dunno.

[WallyLlama]

Hmmm... maybe when you get down to the lake you should just take her in your arms and give her a major kiss and see where things go.

I'm only half kidding. On the surface, this sounds fairly straight-forward. She wants more affection (or sex) and you don't seem interested.

But I think you need to look below that. One question you need to ask yourself (and maybe her) is whether or not your information is accurate. If so, the fact that she's told someone else does not bode well for your relationship.

I'm also concerned that you find it necessary to completely ignore ex's. That suggests some issues that you need to look at as well.

But we only have until Monday.

No one can give you a script. You are not going to be able to talk her into not breaking up with you if that's what she's decided. I think the best chance you have of "saving" the relationship is to have a nice talk on this subject: what you each want from the relationship.

Ask her: "What do you want from our relationship?"

If she says she doesn't know, ask what she likes about it, what she doesn't like about it.

You get a turn too.

Be prepared to compromise and negotiate. That's what makes relationships possible.

Wally

[disseff87]

Thanks guys. Damn I love this board. heh. We've been going out for 2 months. Just celebrated our 2 month aniversary and I tried to show I cared then. I bought her 2 roses of her favorite color and a bracelet she's really wanted. I think she knows I'm still interested. The person I talked to has been her best friend for about 3 years. I did talk to another person close to her about this who told me the exact opposite.

The thing about my exes is because the 1st and last have been bad experiences. The 2nd I didn't like and realized that we were nothing alike. The 3rd.. we just never saw each other anyways..

Sadly, I'm far from home right now for my cousins graduation. I really just need to talk to her, not just her friends. The only communication I have would be AIM but she's not on. Thanks again!

[WallyLlama]

I remember being young once. LOL I went "steady" with a gal for what seemed like quite a while... gave her a ring and all.

One day she said that we were getting too serious and returned the ring. She said she really didn't want to change anything, just thought we were kinda young, etc.

All very mature and adult like until other people got involved.

As luck would have it, I couldn't walk her home the next day - had an after-school job come up.

Then it got ugly. Her friends started grilling me on why I broke up with her, etc. It seems I broke her heart, blah, blah, blah.

Unfortunately, her and I never sat down again to talk about it. Her friends (and sister) did all our talking for us. We spent the next three years of high school barely speaking to each other.

You're right. You just need to talk to her; not just her friends.

[Greendale]

Don't talk to her on AIM, just be a man and told her what you just told us in front of her face, it's better that way, then just hiding behind a computer screen....

[disseff87]

Wow.. talking to her didn't help. I got dumped.. didn't even get a reason. And now I find out it's because she's still in love with her ex and is going back to him... the worst part about this is she said he'd try to come back to her and oh look.. it happened.

After we broke up I didn't talk to her, but I really want to still be friends with her how can I show this to her without seeming to just want to be bitter and get back together with her?
I still love her but know nothing will happen between us again.

[demonbuttercup]

sorry dissef
well its apparent that the bad relationship wasn't your fault... her heart was somewhere else.
im not sure how you should go about keeping the friendship and lines of communication open.
i know you mentioned that you always end up never talking to your exs again.
it was pretty rude on her part to not give you a reason for breaking up. then you had to find out throught the grapevine that she's getting back w/ her ex.
have you at least seen her since the break up? how did she seem? was she ignoring you?

[WallyLlama]

Never say "never!"

But I'd also say you may not have had much of a relationship with her to begin with... you source of information (for why she called it off) continues to be friends.

I'm not sure I understand the question about how to be friends with her now. Be friendly? It may take a few days for you to be able to do it... but just say "Hello" to her and start treating her like, well, a friend! It might help to think of her as a "new kid," because in a way she is... your relationship with her is different.

[disseff87]

She's acting normal. I haven't seen her a lot because I didn't want to. She obviously has not put any effort into talking to me or anything of that kind.

I just realized that relationship was kind of one-sided. I was the one to always call her. I practically always started conversation online and such. I made the plans. I was expected to make the first moves.. always.