How do i win her back?

[DaFreak]

I've been involved with my gf for the last 8 months and thought i'd found my real love,as usually i dont give my heart away that easy but it was hers!
She's 23,im 28 and at first there was nothing real serious!It was just sex..but as time got on my emotions grew strong for her and im sure hers did too for me!It came to a stage where we were just about to move into a flat together when i found out some nasty stuff about her.She was a heroin addict and apparently had been staying with an ex boyfriend of hers in rented accomodation!now the drugs i had an idea about coz she went thru her money and mine doh! a bit too quick for my liking!I did as any bf would do and nag at her and ask her to get some help with her problem...she denied she was ever on drugs until after we split.
This is a real messed up situation now coz i know she really did have feelings/love for me but she was confused and has now taken the wrong route back to her ex because it was the easiest way to go for her! She choose to go i never forced her!
Her ex aint no saint neither, lets say they compliment each other as they share a likeness for drugs and getting into trouble with the law!! I found all this out to late because now my heart is troublesomed and i miss her like crazy..and i really do want to help her but not as a friend but as her boyfriend again!
Shes claiming there both clean but shes lied so many times to me that i dont know whats the truth and whats not!
Im sure theres still some love in her cold heart and ive tried everything to convince her that shes going to waste her life away with her ex!Im sure the ex is telling her not too contact me but every now and again she texts me saying we have to talk properly but when i call or she promises to call she lets us down!I sent her some flowers to her ex's house for her and lets say the ex wasnt to impressed!! But im confident it brought her the biggest smile shes had on her face for years!!
Come on ladies spill your secrets on how us guys are gonna win your hearts back through persevering.Im losing her daily and i think shes worth the time and effort because shes had a bad 5 years of life!!

[Rawbob]

I know you asked for the "ladies" input here, but i feel compelled to put my 2 cents in here...and it's quite simple.

WHEN DRUGS LIKE HEROINE ARE INVOLVED, YOU CANNOT DO ANYTHING TO CHANGE HER FEELINGS, ACTIONS OR DECISIONS.

She has an addiction. If you really want to help, go to the internet and type in HEROINE ADDICITION SUPPORT...see what resources are there for YOU....not her.

An addict will lie, cheat, steal, etc....do ANYTHING to ensure a steady supply of drugs. And, only SHE can decide when she's hit bottom and recoginizes that she needs help.

I have had MANY friends and loved ones in this same situation..and the hardest thing to do is - NOTHING..but, it's THEIR addiciton....and only they can change.

Read up on addiction....get informed, find others who are in your situation.....but short of that..i'd not do muchmore

[CoLdWoLf]

My intution on this issue as well I am only 19 but i have been there with someone with serious problems to, emtional problems, and an addict, in the past, you cannot help them, they will use you for some emtional issues, and they will steal and even sometimes rob you of your money for the drug use esp herion my 25 year old friend was an addict and he was always trying to look for money all the time, the drug is also a mood alter, her moods can be tottally wacked out if she doesn't get a fix, so bro trust me Im sure you can do better, and try your best and forget her and move on with your life man shes not worth it to be emtionally involved with.

[Spoon]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]Shes claiming there both clean but shes lied so many times to me that i dont know whats the truth and whats not!

I dont understand why you want to be with her so much if she has lied to you alot? Trust is an important part of any relationship, and clearly there isn't any here.

I know a few people who are addicted to drugs..not as bad as heroin, but they are addicted. Its completly true what the others have said: its impossible to change someone who is addicted. the best advice I can give is to move on to better things. Do you really want to be in a serious relationship with someone who is addicted to heroin?

[Tilston]

spoon i know what u mean about people being addicted to drugs (your one lmao - jk mate)

there is some very good groups that can help people with drugs problems if ur serious about helping her. but is it worth your time and effort? your past feelings for this girl will effect you seriously during this, if she dosent stop the drugs then what?

Sooner or later your goning to have to realise that drugs are a problem for this person and if u get emotionally involved then your going to get hurt.

as you have said the EX aint to keen on you sending her flowers and you can harly get in contact. so what does this mean?

mabye she dosent want your help? if u said she cares about u then mabye she cares enough for you not to get involved into her situation.


However

the first step is getting her to admit that she has a problem.

Talk to some professionals and best of luck to u mate.

[DaFreak]

People i know that walking away is the best and maybe right thing to do everyone i know has said it ... but im stubborn and in love with her! I cant go too much into it really as alot of it is nasty and would shock u all!!
No one gonna give her the benefit of doubt if she can change or not?

Thanks 4 yer inputs!

[demonbuttercup]

yes people can change but has she completely come out and said ive changed and i want to be w/ you again?
you mentioned she said they were both clean but you didn't believe her. so you are unable to give her the benefit of the doubt as well.
theres nothing wrong w/ wanting her back and wanting to help her but she has to want to.
some people are happy living like that. some enjoy the drugs so much that they'd rather live that way than be sober.
i just would hate to see you fall into the trap again if she isn't clean. she would end up leaving you in debt and your heart broken again.

[oberon]

I'll just emphasize what most have already said. YOU can't change her. She has to want to change and actually do the work to make that happen. She also can't do it alone- but WHOA- you don't need to be the one to help her quit. She needs some type of rehab program. You can offer moral support, but you are too emotionally attached to be objective with her.

She's going to have to take those first steps toward recovery alone. You can't make her.

Good Luck and take care.

[Bewitching]

SORRY ABOUT THE LONG POST! SOMETIMES I WISH I COULD HAVE LONG PERSONAL D&M'S WITH SOME OF THE PPL HERE AND HELP OUT THAT WAY!!!!!

HERE'S MY 2CENTS...

The main advice given here, which is 100% correct, is if SHE doesn't want to quit, then she wont, simple as that. *She has to have the willpower and the state of mind to want to get off heroin. *Until then, not much will be done.

I'm calling my shots from personal experience here (although i myself never did heroine). *When somebody is addicted to drugs, let alone heroine, it is very hard to get them in the frame of mind to quit. *In many cases, people will feel the need to quit, however dont have the motivation, willpower and the right environment to do so. *After thoughts about 'quitting' and not doing so for a long time, people will try "cutting back" or the most common fall in picture is "i wont do it tomorrow.....okay, i definately wont tomorrow.....todays the last day.....okay, give it 'till after the weekend, then DEFINATELY quit.....it's monday, i feel like it cuz we just had a weekend full of it....now it's tuesday...." and it's one big vicious cycle that gets nowhere. *UNLESS you're that desparate to quit then you will, you will seek help from friends, family and even professionals.

The state your love is in seems to be quite common. *I can say one thing that's most likely for sure - she has no intentions of "being in love" with this guy. *She's been with him for how long? By the sounds of it, her main influence for allowing drugs to control her (when it's meant to be the other way around if anything) is because she's exposed to so much of it from her ex-bf and because he isn't doing anything to help, she has no motivation or the state of mind to even want to quit. *She's content in the same old everyday routine and without that routine, some people can feel very lost. *It's not only addiction, it's routine and habit which is also very hard to break once you've started.

All i can say is the only way she'll ever consider coming off heroine is if she's no longer exposed to it on a daily/weekly basis. *If she was to move in with a few friends who had nothing to do with drugs, she would soon realise that she didn't need them. *She needs to move outta her ex's place, in with some good people and have some really close heart to heart chats with those who are close to her and care about her, like yourself. *But the only approach you can give to people like your love, is by being passive, calm and extremely understanding. *She needs people who knew her before she started drugs and those ppl still need to know who she is now. *They need to appropriately address to her the changes it's made in her life and the downfalls as a result of it. *She needs more than one person. It can be hard taking in info like that when it's coming from her "boyfriend" as many ppl tend to think their partners "worry too much", but when you hear it from several different sources, you begin to wonder. *She needs to open her eyes and ears to reality instead of shutting it out.

So when it comes down to it, the only way she would ever consider quitting is if she was no longer exposed to such drugs, if she knew how much people cared for her and just how many people care for her, and the right approach for considering quitting. *I know that if she realised what she was like before the drugs, she would realise she was a happier, more lively person than before. *It's up to her, mate, unfortunately. *Also, i feel she may need to grow some independence. *She seems to be treated like a bit of a door mat (ie. she's getting walked over) by her ex (when you mentioned phone calls/flowers etc. he seemed to be the 'controlling' type) *So what can YOU do? Let her know that you're here for her all the time. *Call her occassionally to catch up and to reassure her that she can always talk to you about anything. *But if she doesn't call you, dont give up. *Drug addicts are lazy and highly unmotivated to do anything in life. *I'm sure she thinks about you often and most likely says "i've gotta call him" but then keeps putting it off. *That's what addicts do, they always put things off. *And the best thing to do for your sake is move on with life. *Try not to think about her as much. Ofcourse she'll always be a part of you, there's no denying that. *But move on, go out with mates and have fun, start the dating scheme again when you're ready, not just cuz mates tell you to. *If you dont, you'll end up sick with depression, anxiety, stress and god knows what else. *Your health comes first and i have always lived by: "You dont f*ck with health". You deserve to be happier, you're the angel in this matter, not the evil one. *

Sorry about the post being so long! We're all here to help you matey!

[WallyLlama]

I think you need to have a serious conversation with yourself.

The fundamental question is "Why have I chosen this path of self-destruction?"

A few of the facts as you've given them:

This girl is (at least by her own definition of commitment) committed to someone else. She's chosen someone who shares her values and she has much in common with, including some run-ins with the law.

This girl is an addict. (There's no such thing as a former addict. They may stop using drugs, etc. but they are still addicts and most have an addictive personality. A truly reformed addict will tell you that.)

This girl has a history of lying and now makes promises to you (she'll call) that she doesn't keep. She's still lying to you, in case you haven't noticed.

Now tell us again (rationally) why you are so determined to have a relationship with her. What is she bringing to the relationship that's positive? (We'll ignore the fact that she's made it quite clear she has no interest in a relationship with you. Smiling because you sent flowers is not proof that she loves you.)

You ask us to "give her the benefit of the doubt," but what's the basis for doing that? Even if we do and assume she's "clean," she's still not interested in you.

I'm sorry, but I do get a bit hostile when people ignore all the warning signs and wade into situations that clearly have no chance of being positive. If you want your life to be all about "saving people" because they've had some bad years, consider a career as a substance abuse counselor or something.

Set aside romantic notions and myths and you'll find this post is a lot more compassionate than it might seem. It is terribly blunt, but it is not uncaring.

Wally