i need some advice

[Benedark]

Hey everyone, I'm new here and this is my first post. *ok, I have a dilemma. *Ok there is this girl that ever since last october when we decided to become more than friends (we had been friends for about a year) we have been very close. *But since last october, we have been kinda off and on 4 different times now. *I love her deeply and I know for a fact that she loves me. *One of the times we split up was because she got scared about her feelings for me, she said she could see herself marrying me someday (we are only in high school) and this really scared her because she doesn't want to think about that right now. *I could see us getting married too down the line but also have no interest in thinking about it right now. *All her friends tell me how much she cares for me and all. *Right now is one of the "off times" as I put it. *This is the 4th time, I'm getting the feeling number 5 could be coming up real soon. *The reason for the last time was she needed a break to figure things out I guess but it seems like now she's coming back around. *I really do care for her and all, but I don't really like how after we get back together and get comfortable and all then something happens and I get hurt. *Then we end up getting back together though. *I just don't understand it. *We haven't had sex yet and are both virgins but we have talked about it and both felt that when we are ready that we wanted it to be with the other. *To me it feels like we should be together and knowing how she feels helps me conclude this, also since we always seem to get back together somewhat soon. *There has only been one time she "saw" a guy out of all the times we've split and she didn't really feel for him, it was just a person she saw but the reason she didn't stay with him for more than 2 weeks was because she wanted to get back with me. *I know to most of you it would seem like I'm dumb to keep letting her back and i probably am, I just need some opinions or advice. *Sorry if I was rambling by the way. *thanks

[oberon]

First of all, Benedark, welcome. Glad you are here.

Part of the reason for these forums is to vent about sexual/relationship things. *Sometimes that is easier with complete strangers than the people who are close to you and the situation.

I agree that high school is a little young to be considering a serious relationship. *There are exceptions, of course. *But you are young and shouldn't bog yourself down with "it's now or never" worries. *I seriously doubt that if the two of you split it will be the last relationship for either of you. *That, however, is worst case.

As far as your current relationship, you have to ask yourself want you want from it. *What are you willing to put up with? *Is the pain of these constant breakups worth the pleasure of the time you do spend together? *Do you want to lose your virginity with someone who may not stay around long afterward?

Remember, that any advice we give here is sort of a "shot in the dark". *Keeping that firmly in mind, my suggestion would be just to take it as it comes, go slowly, and just enjoy what you can. *Talk to her about your feelings. *Always be honest- don't be rude, but really let her know what you think. *At least if you comunicate, you might, at worst, end up as friends.

Without knowing either of you, that's about the best I can offer. *As long as you feel it's a trusting, honest relationship, you roll the dice and take your chance.

And one last thing, you can always come back here talk more if you need to. *Good Luck.

[WallyLlama]

To which I'd only add... it sounds like you both are doing wide swings in the relationship - much like an "all or nothing" kind of thing. I suppose the advantage of it is it keeps the relationship fresh everytime you get back together.

The next time you feel an "off time" coming you might try negotiating specifically what it means. It might be possible for her to get "her space" without you feeling totally rejected.

Although one thing you wrote concerns me:

...because she wanted to get back with me. I know to most of you it would seem like I'm dumb to keep letting her back and i probably am, I just need some opinions or advice.


Out of context, that sentence makes it sound like she's using you. One reason I'm suggesting the "negotiation" is so that you're not sitting around subject to her every whim. You have rights in the relationship and you should exercise them.

Wally

[Benedark]

Hey, thank you both for posting your advice, it is good and i will remember it when dealing with this problem. I may have made it sound like whenever we split up that i just wait around until she comes back, thats not the case for the most part, I don't just sit around and wait. I know I can go find other people and I have came close on many occations but I just find myself to always want to be with her more than anyone else I've found.

That in mind, I am planning on taking the advice of talking to her and negotiating. I plan on laying it out that I am really tired of getting hurt only to get back with her eventually and then for it to repeat all over again. If she wants to be with me, I would like for her to commit herself to the relationship instead of splitting when she feels she needs to. And to answer one of the questions, yes the happiness I have when we are together is worth the pain of the splitting up, but I don't exactly like having to deal with both constantly.

Thank you both for replying and I'm glad I'm now a member here because I have been seeing some great advice. Thanks

[WallyLlama]

That sounds like a plan! Let us know how it goes... she may not be ready to "commit" but you can probably hammer out a relationship that has lots of give and take and will "work" for you both. It may not be perfect for either of you, but relationships rarely are. (That's not cynical.)

Wally

[oberon]

I hope it all works out for you. As WallyLlama said, keep us posted. Best of Luck.