She Loves me... what do I do?

[blueshark]

First off I am not an emotional person. I am apathetic, and I honestly wish I was not.

I'm with a girl now, and she tells me she loves me, and I know she does.

But I don't love her, and to tell her this would break her heart and mine too.

I care so much about her, and want to be there for her always but I can't live up to her expectations and stay honest. To see her hurt would be torture for me.

She tells me how I have changed her life for the better, how I have shown her the error of her ways. (she used to be a bitch and was suspicious of and had 0 trust for any and all men until I came along)


and now for the complication.

Last summer I was very close to a girl who moved out of the country, never to come back. She I did love, and to have her move away forever hurt.

The girl i am currnetly with knows of this past experience, and knows of my feelings.

yesterday i received an email from her:

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]Hey,

I haven't seen you online in a while and I haven't talked to you in a while. I just really wanted to write you to tell you I still love you. I can't wait to see you again. . just think. 2 more months , roughly, and that's it! I am counting down the days until I can be with you Last summer was indescribable and I know this summer will be as special if not more so.

she had never told me she was returning, and I was not expecting an email from her.

My current girlfriend ran across the message in my inbox, and was completely taken back. I was at work when she discovered it and she was not able to contact me.

when she finally called she'd been crying for several hours. (the voicemail she left almost reduced me to tears, and I havent cried since I was 10 (I came home from school to find my neighbour's dogs eating my pet lamb)

My current girlfriend is here for college; I am here because of my job. Come summer she will be going back to her hometown to work, and most likely i will continue my life here until she returns.

how do I not break her heart?

how do I not turn into just another guy who has messed with her life, got her hopes high and then dashed them. She doesn't deserve this.

she goes from "I hate the way it feels when tears dry on my face. I hate you and wished i'd never met you" one minute

to "If I died right now I'd die happy. These past months I've known you have been the best of my life, and you've done so much to make me a better person I want you to be mine, and I also want you to be happy"


The other girl loves me as much. I have a feeling that the whole reason she is coming back is to see me. It seems to be a lose lose situation for everyone. I'd rather be the one in pain than to be the cause of someone else's

I used to think I was the luckiest. Now I think I'm cursed.

I can't type about this anymore. I need someone to talk to in real life.

thanks for hearing me out, and thanks even more for any help.

my aim name is "topsnacs", if your willing to be there. Or post a method I could contact you.

[WallyLlama]

Like the song says, "a little less talk and a lot more action."

You're only seeing the situation the way your current "girlfriend" wants you to see it, my friend. She's making you the control factor of her emotional stability. You can start by considering: if she's had that many problems and bad relationships, there might be pattern and a reason.

Read what you wrote. She's manipulating you and controlling you. Admittedly, very subtly, but it also sounds like she's had lots of practice. I'm not saying she's a bad person, but she's definitely got some issues. If you don't stand tall, you're going to be sharing them with her for a long time because she's definitely an emotionally needy person.

But your one line also may say it all: you'd rather be in pain than cause it. If that's true, congratulations because you've got exactly what you want.

If you are prepared to put the pain behind you, you can be compassionate and hook your current "girlfriend" up with a good therapist. Then move on. Pity is not a very good basis for a relationship.

Wally

[oberon]

I agree with WallyLlama more or less. *I won't try to judge whether or not your girlfriend is intentionally trying to manipulate you or what her emotional issues might be. *But you both need to be aware of one very basic fact of life:

No one is responsible for another person's happiness- that responsibility resides within the person for him/herself.

Your responsibilty is to act in a caring, compassionate, and honest manner toward another human being. *But to allow someone to force you to act in a way that you do not truly feel is doing neither of you any favors.

Make it plain that it is her welfare that you are most concerned about because if your relationship is truly not mutual then you will end up hurting her. *It will just take longer and be more painful. *

If you want to talk more privately you can always private message me. *Let us know how things are going and Good Luck.

[blueshark]

Ah Freedom.


A lot to be said for being single

[Rawbob]

Hi blueshark.

I read yoru post, and like the others, the ONE thing that stuck out was how many times you referenced her giving YOU credit for changing her life.

Unless you are Billy Graham, or a therapist or something, it's HIGHLY unlikely that YOU changed her - SHE CHANGED. My gut tells me that this is how she "snares" guys into committing to her. And it also explains why she gets so bitter when she's dumped.

I'm not saying she's being manipulative, just that she's come to use this style in her relationships....to create a bond and a feeling of responsibility on her boyfriends part.

Bottom line.....i'm not sure how old you are, but life experience tells us all that we all date dozens of folks in our lives before we actually "committ" to one person. It's how we apply what we'velearned from our past relationships that helps us EACH grow to be a better person.

So, while i know you don't want to "hurt" her, you also OWE it to her to be honest. So, here's some facts and actions as i see it:
1) You care for this gal now, but have never told her you are "in love with her" but very much care for her.
2) You've "loved" this gal from out of town, but lost her when she moved, and always knew u loved her..and she loved you.
3) You did NOT KNOW the gal from out of town was coming back for the summer.
4) You DID know the gal u are dating now is just in town during school and will be gone during the summer.

I would make it very clear to the gal u are seeing now that you had no knowledge of that out of town gal's impending return - NOR HOW SHE FELT ABOUT YOU till that email.

I would also tell her that you are disappointed with her reading your email because she read it out of context and did not give you the chance to deal with her email first. She jumped to conclusions about you, and that was unfair and she was WRONG to read your private email.

I would tell her right up front that you CARE for her, but you are not "in love" with her. While that may hurt, it may also change. Love and emotions are fickle..but it is HER decision to keep seeing you or not. If you are honest, yes, it may hurt her, but in the long run, its best to tell her how you feel.

I would ALSO call that out of town gal and find out what prompted that email. Why now? Why the change? Is this just a "summer love" thing?

You're kinda between a rock and a hard place...BUT YOU NEED TO SEIZE CONTROL OF THE SITUATION. Be honest, upfront, and talk to them both - then make a decision and STICK WITH IT!

Hope this helps......you can email me directly if you want!