From dating to "just friends"

[vagabondprince]

*I am using this post for a slightly different topic along the same lines as my first. See my Post three replies down*




Many of you may have read my problems in other topics. particularly the one entitled "paranoia and jealousy issues."

Anyway, my girlfriend and I are talking about breaking up. It's just not going to work anymore. She wants to date around her first year/couple years in college, and i am and have always been more of a *serious exclusive relationship type guy. It worked for three months, but we're growing apart.

anyway, i still want to be friends with her once we break up. I just can't imagine something like that working out. I have felt so passionately for her, and i just don't know how i'll be able to turn that passion down into a "just friends" kind of feeling. can anyone give me any advice on how to make it work without totally forgetting about her and not seeing her anymore?

[LittleFury]

You are right, a lot of times, it is very difficult to stay friends after break up. It takes a lot of work, a lot of patience, time and control of your temper. I wish you luck, even though in my case my ex's butt has a date with my boot.

[demonbuttercup]

LOL
thats a good one littlefury
well ive never been put in this situation b/c the relationship now was my first real serious relationship
i know w/ my past b/f we didn't split up on bad terms but we eventually drifted apart.
i think the worst part is just the awkwardness of being around eachother and not knowing for sure how you are supposed to react.
its up to you that if you will be able to handle it if you see her out w/ another guy or being able to hangout w/ her but not kiss her.
i know it will be tough but if its truly what you want, hopefully you can make it work
i wish you the best of luck

[PennywiseEvilClown666]

More of the same stuff again! Being friends with someone you've previously dated is hard. I have managed to do it with this one girl i dated for over a year. I'm the one that ended the relationship, and yes there are still those feelings there for her. but the hard part is learning that yes you still love and care for the girl, but it just won't be in that way. Plus, i think you'll find that when you meet someone else it will be easier for you to see her with someone else. I understand about you being more of a serious relationship type of guy! That's the same way i am, and it sucks the majority of girls today aren't the same way. Hehe, and now you know why i don't like dating college girls!

[vagabondprince]

I'm gonna use this post for a slightly different problem i'm facing. Some very good news is that my girlfriend has decided that she really does want to be with me, and wants to stay exclusive. "Great!" you might say, but i'm not all that sure.

I visited her over New Years, and had a great time with her and her family (it was especially nice that we almost had to stay in the same room together due to circumstances). It seemed like everything was back to the way it had begin right at the beginning of our relationship.

The problem I see is that she had wanted so much to date around before that she may end up unhappy about sacrificing that later on down the road, probably when it could really damage our relationship permanently. I want to address her about my thoughts, but I worry that I may come accross as seeming like I'm trying to back off subtlely and politely. Even if I explain that I'm only telling her because I care for her, it could end up scaring her away somehow and making a rash decision thinking that I feel differently about our relationship.

I love her and do not want to give her up if at all possible, but if she is unhappy because she has missed out, it would be even worse. Any help would be nice.

[vagabondprince]

Or maybe i'm just paranoid?

[?wiseman?]

Hey vagabondprince, I think you can handle it in a way that your gf would appreciate. Face it, you guys have had some problems and she really doesn't know which way things are ultimately going to go so she's willing to stay in the comfort zone right now and that's good for you. But, you shouldn't believe for a minute that you won't be faced with this again in the relationship. It's gonna happen. Especially since she's entering a new social stage in her life- college.

You needn't "explain that I'm only telling her because I care for her, it could end up scaring her away somehow and making a rash decision thinking that I feel differently about our relationship."

But you should talk with her and discuss the problems that came about the first time around and let her know that she can talk to you, honestly, if she begins to have those feelings again. It's very painful to let someone go, but much more painful to have them leave and then find out the past X months have been a sham because she's been seeing someone behind your back. Plan for the worst but hope for the best.

And paranoia will only make it worse for both of you.
good luck-