Jealousy and paranoia issues

[vagabondprince]

**NOTE, STATED SITUATION HAS CHANGED. SEE MY REPLY TWO ROWS DOWN FOR NEW SITUATION**

I've been going out with this girl for over two months now, and we've grown pretty close. We live in the same dorm so it's feasible to visit her most every night, and I make an effort to do so (being stopped from doing so for the first time while we were both still in town due to illness last week). The problem I'm having is when we're at a party and she's had something to drink she tends to flirt with guys frequently and sometimes when she goes out with friends she'll mention the fact that there were guys there (and almost only the fact that they were there). When I see her flirting (it is only in the talking stages of flirting) or when she mentions that she was around other guys I get a subconscious feeling of worry and paranoia about her not being faithful. I have been reassured plenty of times with and without discussion of the issue at hand that this is the first serious relationship that she has been able to have with a guy. We have a strong connection and she assures me she will remain faithful, but I really can't help feeling the way I do when she talks about other guys (like i said it's subconscious). Is there anything I can do about these feelings?

[Rawbob]

Well.you're in a tough position! Fliriting can, and usally is, harmless. The issue will always be did she/he act on it.

I mean, if you were a fly on the wall..and you heard her flirting with a hot guy. And he came up to her and said, "Hey, ya wanna go out sometime, for a movie or drink or something?" And if she smiled and said, "Thanks, yuou're cute, but I have a boyfriend" - wouldn't you feel like a million dollars?

As long as when she's with you you know she's really being WIHT you and heart and soul you're fine! Try and let it go as just flirting!

[lordroad]

I remember the thread you posted about not being able to ejaculate when you and your girl had sex. Before I reply, let me ask, has this changed any?

If you recall, I had the exact same difficulty with my now ex-girlfriend, and I was never able to get off even when I wasn't wearing a condom.

Of course, I don't know the full story, and all I have is what you post on the board. But judging from your past postings on your relationship, it sounds very similar to mine. Only after my breakup was I able to determine why I wasn't getting off with the girl: I believe my mental reservations projected themselves into a physical problem. I never fully trusted my girlfriend, and, now that I can look at the whole thing objectively after the breakup, I realize my intuition and instincts were right. I had a lot of the same worries and fears that you've expressed in your post, but on the subconscious level.

My advice is to sit down, maybe have a beer or two, try to clear your head, and evaluate your relationship and where you feel you and your girl stand. Do you trust your girlfriend? Do you really feel a mutual sense of committment?

If you have any doubts whatsoever about those questions, you need to talk to your girlfriend and get a real objective sense of where she stands.

Trust your instincts, man. If you feel like things are festering now, they could fester for months and possible over a year, then it would turn out a lot worse.

[vagabondprince]

Lordroad, what I'm feeling is really very baseless. It is just that when she's drunk she has a tendency to flirt with guys. I have discussed this with her, and know it won't go any further than flirting. And also when she talks about being with other guys it's in platonic situations that she is talking about. Normally when I am with her I don't even think about this, and I really don't believe this is why I can't orgasm. It's just during the times she mentions it or at those parties. I just can't find some way to get rid of these feelings.

[vagabondprince]

NEW SITUATION:

I have come to terms with being able to trust her around other guys in normal situations. I did not think at all when I was feeling what I did. For about a month now we have had a very strong emotional connection that would not allow her to fool around with a guy and not tell me about it and feel extremely guilty about it.

The situation has changed slightly though. First a background explanation: she is sensitive when it comes to certain words involving relationships (is uncomfortable with the term "boyfriend" and "love" in general terms). Anyway, in a drunken stupor last night I told her I love her, and so she continued the conversation by mentioning an idea that we might ought to make our relationship more open (as in find other people outside the relationship to interact with on a semi-intimate level, in other words dating but not sexual relations while we continue our relationship the way it is) in order to see if the feelings we have for each other (they are very strong from what I can tell) are genuine.
After discussing this again this morning and realizing that it really wasn't a bad dream, I have not been able to figure out how to come to terms with this decision. What I'd like to know is whether this is a reasonable request and how I should handle all of it.

[archer]

Vagabondprince,
it really depends on who you are, you have to ask yourself the questions like :
are you open minded and comfortable with open relationships?

is this the person you are?

do you have traditional morals and values?

is she really compatible with you, and your morals and values?

these are the question to help you answer if this girl is the person who you should love and give love to. Personally i dont c it as a reasonable request as love is for one person really in my mind. From wat i can read, you have the same kind of mentality as i do. The fact that she feels uncomfortable with the terms love and b/f shows how her aims are different to yours n that maybe she is still in that stage of flirting around. Perhaps your feelings are strong for her, but she doesnt give them back to you.

However, maybe there is a strong connection between you two, and maybe you should try it out (ie the open relationship) it may pave the way for an even better relationship. It depends on whether you are comfortable knowing that she is with someone else. it all comes down to you and the way you feel. if your not comfortable with it, maybe its time to move on, but you should definietly keep in touch with her and be her friend.

hope i helped