Getting used to independant Girlfriend...HElp

[bighog]

I have been really paranoid about my GF for a while. Paranoid that she may be cheating or isnt as interested as she says she is. We have been going out for 4 months now. She is very busy with school(pre-med), the army, studying, and her paramedic job. She is a HUGE study-o-holic. She is bi-polar and can be VERY moody even though she says she takes her medication. She is not big into sex, she maintains that she is a 'good girl' and is very choosy about who she dates and dates 1 man at a time and has never played around. She has told me Im the man of her dreams, the one, and loves me so much. The only problem I have with her is that she can be very standoffish, and quiet and distant. I told her that I like to talk to her everyday, yet it goes in one ear and out the other. Right now she is doing a 2 week stint with the army in Nebraska. I bought her a calling card so she could call me. She comes home tonight and shes only called me 3 times out of the 2 week period! If it were me Id be calling her evry night! She tells me that she is so used to being independant and not talking things out and just handling things on her own. Its been like that for most of her life. Yet She tells me she has NEVER had deep feelings for any man like she has for me. Its new to her. But if she has such deep feelings, how come she doesnt call everyday? I called her several times because I misss her. It drives me up the wall. Ilove her so much and when we're together, we are terrific. When she is out of town for the weekiend it seems like she forgets me. I get paranoid that she is looking for another man when she doesnt call. I called 2 nights in a row from 9p-12A and she didnt answer. I got a hold of her the next day and she said she went out with some army friends and then I started questioning her faithfullness we argued and she said it hurt her feelings that I dont trust her. i asked her what she expects of me because Im confused at her behavior. she tells me everything is ok and that there' nothing I can do. She tells me Ive been a great supporter in many ways. She has nver lied to me or given me a valid reason to think she has cheated. I get so paranoid that when she doesnt call, I panic and drive by her house at night to see if there are any other cars around. I panic when she gets moody, standoffish and distant. I constantly worry if we are going to work. HELP!!! Advice of any kind would be much appreciated!!

[A Soldare]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]But if she has such deep feelings, how come she doesnt call everyday?

Because she has things to do. Some people call more than others, they just do, many people domnt like calls everyday, as it can come across as clingy

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]I get so paranoid that when she doesnt call, I panic and drive by her house at night to see if there are any other cars around.

DONT!!!!

That makes you seem controlling and paranoid. I know I would personally NEVER reccomend a friend of mine dates a man wh did that. Just back off and let her a little time to just do her own thing. If you think she seems distant or something, just tell her

[flower]

seams that you have problem with yourself,not with her!But that is just my opinion...
If she is used to be independant than you should try to understand her.Independant ppl have difficulties to show feelings and to guided sometimes.I was like that before.I was also thinking it is bad if i fall in love with someone.It only shows your weakness and can only steal you being "under your control".But after some time i figured out,with help of my boyfriend,you can also be in relationship and still being independant.Try to show her you trust her.It is not nice to check her if she doesn't answer on your call or doesn't call you few times a day.As you said,she never gave you any reason to believe she cheated on you so cool down.She is not the same type as you are (calling few times a day,checking her "not-calling-times&quot.That just bring insecurity in her.Checking her doesn't show you love her,just that you don't trust her.Instead of waiting for her call try to get youurself into other things...going out with friends,reading,watching movies...try to not answer even you know she is calling you.Try to show her how it is to call few times and to not be able to reach anyone.Maybe she will understand you,and if still not,than try to opened talk with her.
Tell her you are a little bit too possesive and you,both,learn how to deal with it.
It is seldom to find true love on this earth and if you both think that is "it",than don't ruin it by differences you two have!
Talk solves big part of the problems...the rest is good sex
Good luck!

[mike]

It doesn't sound to me like she's extremely independent.. it does, however, sound like you're very dependent on her.

Really, you've just got to accept some things. She's going to have other things to do in life and may not be able to spend every spare moment talking to you. She's going to have other friends, and some of them might actually be guys.. and thats where you need to trust her. Just because she goes out with other friends, or doesn't call every night, doesn't mean that she's cheating. C'mon, if you aren't willing to trust her to go one night without talking to you, then how are you going to trust her with anything in a more serious relationship?

[bighog]

Thanks for your feedback guys! I reaaly needed to hear some views and they all make sense. I have been burned in the past and sometimes I let that get in the way. I know deep down that she is a good girl and I should trust her. I will work on it.

[bighog]

I get really worried about her depressive state. Today, I talked with her and she opened up about a possible burnout with her job. Then she got real negative and was saying that her co-workers think she doesnt do a good job. It really hurt me to hear her talk poorly about herself like that. I tried to be positive and give her compliments but she would cut it off by saying "I dont want to talk about it". I damned near started crying. Any advice?

[sexykitty]

Your job defines who you are, so if she's having a problem there it will show in the rest of her life. Be supportive and patient. I also wanted to comment on your first post. The feedback that you got from the other members was good, but I tend to think a little differently. Relationships are difficult. There are so many things that couples have to agree on and work on to make their relationship work. I am not a person who likes to wait on people and if I was expecting a call and did not receive it I would be pretty pissy. If I am in a relationship with someone that doesn't respect this, it's not going to work. Luckily I am married now and my husband knows and understands this and makes sure that he calls when he is supposed to and trys to keep in mind how I feel. I don't think that you are overreacting by wanting your g/f to call you more when she is away. These kinds of things have a way of festering and if they aren't addressed they will come back eventually. Talk to her and tell her what you need and expect. Don't feel that you have to pretend to be a certain way. Be yourself.

[bighog]

Thanks sexykitty. We have talked about it and she says she is working on it. Im being flexible because she says that she was so independent for such a long time. She's not used to having anyone to discuss problems with. The other day she said she didnt call me much because she was so depressed. When she;s really depressed she becomes real reclusive and doesnt want to talk to anybody. We have some things to work out, she says she understands and has asked me to just be patient.

[sexykitty]

That's great, communication works wonders!

[nodoubt16pb]

Great for you I hope you two learn to be happy and accept each other