Saving my relationship

[Rick 3204]

Ok I will say this right now. This is probably gonna be a very long and detailed post so bear with me. This is the most seriously hurtful and trying situation I have ever been In and I need some serious advice.

Ok here we go....

My girlfriend and i have know eachother for 8 months. And in those 8 months time we have done what most do not do in years. First of all i know alot of you are gonna say right away it went too fast and needs to be slown down. But I dont feel that way.

This girl I love more than anything in existance- she is my heart and soul, my reason for living. We are perfect for one another. All the things that should be there for 2 people to deeply love eachother are there and more. Because im no ordinary guy and shes definately no ordinary girl.

Anyways shes 18 and Im 19, I live in Illinois and she lives in Georgia. We met and hit it off very very well. I have had NO relationships prior to her and am usually scared as hell of girls. But with her Im 110% relaxed and open and honest. We fell in love quickly because we simply are just two peas in a pod. Everything was great and the relationship had all it could over the phone. We had phone sex and got to know every detail of eachothers lives-likes and dislikes.

Eventually we just had to see eachother and by a miracle I was allowed to come visit her in georgia. After spending three months there-I knew that this was the girl I wanted to marry. Period end of story. Then after we basically had to be seperate again she.............came with me to Illinois because she could absolutely not bear to be without me.

So we got here and tried to build something of a life but it didnt work and she had to go back to georgia so that we can get started on building a real serious mature future for ourselves. This is where it all goes straight to hell.

After she left i became a basket case. I am serious up all night crying, constantly obsessing over her being gone. *note this is NOT how I am AT ALL- but with her I am. I love her so very much and am so attached to her that her leaving after 4 and a half months of spending EVERY SINGLE day with her was just too much.

Now i have been thru shit in my life alot of emotionally trying stuff. And I thought I was prepared to deal with it. I was wrong seriously wrong. Its been about 6 weeks since she went back to Georgia and in that period i have managed to take that perfect love and joy and destroy it.

The stress-depression and literally overwhelming saddness of her absence changed me. I acted different, talked different became an obsessive ranting raving paranoid super depressed moron. And yes i very seriously mean all those things at once. I wont get down to the detail of all the fights and such since then.

But now its basically living from fight to fight and recovery time. Shes sssssssoooooooo burnt out. I have finally snapped out of it and have seen what i have done but continue to screw up because im still confused and its all too hard to explain just a big mess.

Now she will be fine for a week and tells me she loves me and stuff then we have an argument and BAM i have to endure 3 or more days of her not wanting to talk to me at all. Which is hard even tho I want to respect her wishes because my life revolves around her.

So basically shes 800 miles away... back in collage and our relationship is in shambles. I know she still loves me and deep down still wants everything she did before but shes so hurt and tired that its impossible for her to accept its possibility right now.

Now unlike most guys I SEE and ADMIT to what I have done and WANT to change. I do NOT want to bail because its 'too hard" I want to fight. I just need her to show me that she knows and can wait for me to get shit right.

About 5 days ago she met a guy on a online video game. Who miraculously lives in the same town as her. Now shes mad at me and wants alone time right? So whats she do? Spends all day every day with him in the game and talks to him and stuff (its a very very socially oriented game). And im left out to dry. Shes even liking the same music he does now stuff that a month ago shed have gagged at.

I feel like hes my replacement. We got into an argument over him and I asked WHY do you defend youe 2 day old friend over me !?!?!?! And she said EXACTLY this "Because he Is my friend and hes closer..." When questoned about what she meant by that she said she didnt give a f*** what i thought that it meant "nothing".

I know shed never cheat but as they say "shit happens" and its all a huge mess. I dont know what to do. I love her so much I cannot and will not want to live without her. But shes so distant literally and figuretivley.

Its alot more complicated than that but im just giving you the gist of the situation as best i can without writing a book.

I mean its crazy If I accused her OF cheating she would never let me get away with that. And I know she never would simply because of things i cannot explain. But Ive been told women will react extremely in situations where they feel they need to liberate themselves from a man.......

I mean look at this. Im 800 miles away we fight we argue hes like what 15 miles away they talk on the phone and hang out in the game all the time shes starting to like things he does and then there is the "hes closer comment".

What should I do Im going crazy which is funny because its making it all WORSE. I will NOT give her up and I know its not over and it can still happen with effort.

?I just need your advice on the situation as you see it. I dont worry about other guys especially this one but the tiny paranolia still lingers. Should I be nervous or what? what should I do?

I know this isnt a full account and detailed history of all things and I havent explained our personality types and this and that. But I will in future posts on this topic if need be. Just have to start somewhere.

1. I do NOT wish to control her. She may do things I dont agree with but that isnt controling its opinion. Liek what I said with the music. Its a type of music that I utterly and TOTALY despise and by every case and account she should too but now likes it because her friend does and even went so far as for me to have a 3 way phone convo over it to "try to get me to understand" yeah right.....She knows I cannot stand this type of music and neither should she but alluva a sudden she does because her goddamned friend showed her them.

2.I have faith in her judgement. Shes not stupid and shes a strong girl. A guy who knows her well toldme she has poor taste and decision making skills sometimes. But I respect her I dont want to be her crutch nor her broken leg. I want to be the one who supports her but doesnt smother her with issues and problems. Yet shes SOOOO sarcastic now and so defensive and acts like Im out to get her and like the whole world hates her.

3.I have confidence In our love holding us together. It has thus far and believe me we have been thru some serious crap its just now its getting to the point where it needs to stop because its only gonna get worse.

4. I am willing to give her space to breathe and be independant. But I dont want anyone sitting in my seat while I step out so to speak. And when you love someone that much and your life revolves around them its hard yo just cut them out of your life even for a day. But we just dont talk and its so hard.

I recently recived this advice.

Stradle the line between relationship and independance for the both of you. And try and act completely a ok and unconcerned yet supportive.

Im gonna stop here or it will be a book. We prolly wont be able to see eachother at all or very little and cannot live with one another for about 3 years. Making me feel very screwed. Ill be honest i have thought about suicide MAINLY because i feel like in my depression and inexperience I took THE ABSOLUTE greatest thing that could or EVER will happen to me AND THREW IT ALL AWAY. Thats impossible to deal with.

Please help with advice if you can. Tthank you .

[Rick 3204]

The worst is this new guy. He seems like an ok fellow. Not someone Id be friends with but. She is odd with people one second she hates them next she likes them and defends them then a week later is bitching about them. She also has no ability to hate people and is FAR TOO TRUSTING with people whom she knows very little about. She will claim to "know" but how much of thats true is key.

I mean she has LITERALLY known him for like a week and she already acts like they are THE BEST FRIENDS ON EARTH WHO HAVE KNOWN EACHOTHER SINCE BIRTH!!! Shes liking things he likes defending him and so much more. I mean when it was the three way phone convo she talked and talked. Then when he apparently feel asleep while on the phone she said almost NOTHING except are you there? *meaning had he woken up yet, when it was just me and her.

Everything was fine and making a comeback till he came along. Then he started jokngly hitting on her which I didnt appreciate (didnt know he was joking till after it was too late, go figure) and she DEFENDED him because hes "her friend" WHAT AM I DOGSHIT!??!?! Then came the hes closer comment.

I told her I feel like she cares more about him and hes filling my spot and she said its not like that....... Ill be honest i really resent him. I feel like out OF ALL the people on this game she HAD to meet this guy who lives by her in real life. And now they are SOO buddy buddy and shes liking his CRAPPY DOGPOO music and BLAHH. I really do resent him greatly. Although if I say this she will say "i dont want to hear you badmouth my friend". God shes know him for a week......

Plus its SUCH a no win situation if i express my resentment of him she straight out told me she doesnt care and all this. I dont do anything to hurt or hassle the guy but I feel like by just being there hes taking my baby away. It was all fine until that one night. its been hell and worse since then.

I know she needs friends since she has practically no friends that are there in that way. But i mean how close can you get that fast then act in his favor over the guy who you want to marry one day. Its a mess of crap and i dont know what to do anymore Im on my last thread of strength. Im damned if I do damned if i dont and just plain damned.

[Rick 3204]

I mean she told me if i get drunk or do drugs she will leave me. Im 100% ok with that. What 19 year old guy would let a girl say no this or that or no me? They would laugh. Im not that immature.

Then she makes me feel like she thinks guys who have NO trouble with the law NO trouble with past girlfriends. And will love her always and unbiasedly are just a dime a dozen. Relationships now adays are just messed up and people my age are the worst. So we are safe with one another and we have eachother and thats all we need. For either of us to go looking elsewhere would be sheer folly to say the least. But I feel like Im the only one who feels this. I was a virgin before her- she had been with one guy before me. We absolutely love eachother to death and want kids. We know all of eachothers problems no suprises. We have similar likes and intrests. Its just a happy secure relationship.

She knows we can have a life, when we were together we fought now and then but ALWAYS made up and worked it out. If she were still here or me still there NONE of the stuff thats happened would have.

But now the problems and the stress,distance,depression and confusion has all mixed and just is corroding everything. I cant loose her I cant. Shes a dream shes unreal. Its not a joke Im dead serious all these issues have not made me forget that shes the most wonderful human alive and I want to spend my existance with her. To loose her means I will die. Call me weak call me a fool I dont care my love for her is all.

Its just gotten so messed up that I cant even say stuff like that because its a big heaping pile of problems that in all reality SHOULD NEVER have happend and never gotten this bad.

Shes worth this excruciating pain, this never ending sorrow. These mental daggers that rend me. But I hold onto one thing. Her- our love our FUTURE. Nostalgia can kill wether the memories are good or bad. The present might SUCK right now but the future is not set yet.

I can wait for her i trust her. I just need her to relax and see how great we are for eachother and that she doesnt have to give anymore shes won me for life. Its time I give and win her for life because I know thats what she wants. Btw shes reading Men are from mars women are from venus. She said its really good and I need to read it bad LOL but then this new guy came along and it all got messed up and we havent been speaking like that to eachother.

[Rick 3204]

Ill actually wait for replies now.

[Guido]

hey Rick 3204,

i wish i could offer you some magical potion would solve all your problems and make life a joy for you. but unfortunately, life is rarely that easy!

you have managed to get yourself worked into quite a state where your thinking is erratic and too emotional to be objective.

the best thing you can do right now is give yourself a time-out. don't destroy any chance you have at reconciliation by escalating the present fighting.

get hold of a close friend or family member that you can trust to be objective and share your feelings with them. if there is no-one you feel can help you there, talk to a school or college counsellor. even your family doctor should be able to refer you to someone, or look in your local phone book for a "crisis line". let SOMEONE who can sit and talk with you help you through this!

you talked about suicide, but that is just an end, NOT a solution! suicide won't help you and it CERTAINLY won't help your girlfriend or your friends and family. from your posts you don't sound like a quitter, so don't become one! try to find a way to win - with her OR without her.

give both yourself and her some time and space to think - and cease the destructive arguments - they are only making things worse. find that friend you can really talk to, try and turn all this negative energy into positive energy and you will find a constructive solution that will put your anguish to rest and let you move on with your life!

Good luck!

[Rick 3204]

I guess the way i have to see it is wether or not she says she will cheat or wont cheat or just plain says i dont know. Its either gonna happen-or not happen. There is nothing I can do about it and I just have to realize obsessing and worryiong about it are gonna make things 100x worse. And that if she doesnt remain faithful to me i mustnt be that important to her anyways and i might as well move on. Im not going to kill myself. So dont be afraid of this topic please give me advice.

[SexGoddess]

Sorry to hear about what you're going through Rick.
Relationships are always hard especially if they're online or quite a distance away.

If you'd like to talk I'd be more than happy to help you and give you some advice.

Don't take all the blame from what's happened all on yourself. It's her fault as well.

[Rick 3204]

I love her so very much. I feel like Ive been married to her 20 years. The thing is I still love her more than anything and cannot bear the thought of life without her. And she acts like those type of feelings are easy to come by and says stuff like "I care about you, I dont love you the same anymore, I dont hate you, I dont love you like that anymore" etc. Right now WE not just her, are on a break. I am getting my self together and we were supposed to not be talking AT ALL. All night of the day we started our break I made no contact with her at all. Then yesterday I also made no contact with her at all but she Instant messaged me asking some questions. I awnsered her politely and then she started some "normal talk" and said she wanted to call me to tell me something funny. UMMMMMMMMMM We are supposed to be on a BREAK and she calls me the next day!?!?!? I personally think thats a good sign but who the heck knows. So I went and played that online game with her and didnt talk to her until she talked to me first. Then I started saying stuff on my own and was making her laugh alot (something I havent done in a while). Then I appologised to that guy whom I flipped out about, I figure I have to be a man and suck it up and say sorry...........................And then she seemd MAD?? I dont know if
1. She was just tired as it was late (she acts really different when tired)
2. She thought maybeI was talking to her a wee bit too much.
3. She thought the appology was fake.
4. And this is what a friend told me. She said shes so confused at my sudde change of attitude and behaviour that its confusing her and shes getting irritated BECAUSE she cant figure out wtf is going on
Today Im going to do the same (Jan 20) I will not make any attempt to contact her until she does me first. And if she wants to call Ill stay on the phone a tad longer and make small talk but will refrain from "god I love you" and stuff like that. I told her yesterday I think this break is what we not just her need and its true. Now I have to go to collage and get class schedules and info and then go apply for jobs. Im going to go to collage and show her that I am doing this for us and our future. That I am a mature man not a little boy.

[Rick 3204]

Shes my first everything
1. First kiss
2. First blowjob
3. First handjob
4. First girl I ever gave oral sex to
5. First girl I ever had intercourse with
6 and most importantly the first and ONLY girl I have ever loved.
I want to hold onto her for life I absolutely adore her and I swear to god life without her is not an option. I may be 19 but I am ready to just be with her. I dont care about any other girls. If I could Id marry her right now and have kids with her. I want her for life my heart and mind are set. Losing her is .... not acceptable. She felt the same way too, until we were seperated and it all went to hell.

[SexGoddess]

Rick,
I can understand and sympathize with you about your feelings.

It seems like you are constantly setting yourself up for more heartache and misery. She sounds like she's confused and is giving you mixed signals. You know what you want but she doesn't know.

If you two are serious about taking a break, then do JUST that. No phone calls,no emails,no game playing etc....

She may or may not know exactly what she's doing to you. She may or may not know how hurt you are.
She seems to become angry with you over something little and that tells me that,(just by what you said about playing a game with her and her new friend),she only wants to be your friend when it's convenient for HER and doesn't care about how you feel. If she cared about your feelings and was serious about this break? Then she'd respect your feelings as well and really give it a rest.

Don't let yourself be fooled. I can't say for sure how she feels but from what I've read so far, it sounds like a mind game. Manipulation.

Close the doors and cut all ties for the time being.You need to get back on track and find someone that you can confide in and help you get over her. but as long as you keep allowing her to step in,she's going to hurt you.

Hope this helps.