New tricky situation

[Rick 3204]

Lastnight I got home from a friends house. And signed onto aol and began talking to my best friends EX. We talked for quite a bit before she asked how my relationship was going. I told her its in the wait and see stage and I dont know whats gonna happen good or bad.

She tried to avoid telling me, but I managed to get her to say it. It turns out her best friend, has fallen in love with me. This girl is very very unique. She is like me in ALOT of ways. We agree on music, philosophy, politics, religion etc. And i have always enjoyed talking to her because shes the only person I know who can out talk and out think me on those subjects and it leaves me in awe.

She is also a very pure person she will be 18 soon and has never had a boyfriend. She has also never been in love and doesnt say it to just about anyone. The girl who told me this said that she knows that she is SERIOUS. But the girl (ill call her Cara) is scared. Shes never been in love before and shes just scared.

Now she doesnt know that I know she loves me. But I talked to her for 3 hours lastnight and wow. Shes so afraid of herself in a relationship. The way she spoke to me you could tell. I gave her all the advice I could muster and found myself giving it well.

Now, I do not know what to do.
1. I still love my ex and there is a chance that things might work out.
2. I like Cara and I really really do not want to hurt her.
3. I dont want either my ex Jane or Cara to get hurt, I wont use Cara to scare Jane into wanting me back or whatever.
I dont want anyone to get hurt but I dont know what to do. I dont want to hurt people. I have felt enough on my own.

I dont want to tell Jane to go to hell and really hurt her. But also I dont want to destroy Cara's pure love. The thing is I still worry and get upset over Jane. But knowing how Cara feels about me is comforting. That if it ends 110% with Jane forever that I wont be alone in this world.

But I DO NOT WANT TO USE OR HURT ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need advice on this because Im scared to death of hurting either one. Espcially Cara since she is SO innocent and pure and I dont want to ruin that. Please help me thanks

[Shorty43]

1. What exactly is your current situation with your ex? Does she feel the same way you do? Why did you break up? These are important things too think about.

2. Just because you talked to Cara for 3 hours doesn't mean you have a relationship anywhere above friendship. If Cara is only 18 how old are you? Are you both still in high school? College?

3. I have a friend in almost the exact same situation. I told him that if he really loves his ex and is convinced she still loves him that things will work out again since they broke up for no reason. He still talks to the other girl he met when he broke up with his ex, but they were involved for maybe a day, now they are just really good friends.

Sometimes it is best not to have a relationship with someone who is exactly like you. I find that there is very little excitement in that, but having a companion who shares your beliefs is always a good thing because you can turn to them when times get rough, count on them to help you out in tough spots, etc.

All in all, you need to decide which girl is the right match for you now. As much as you don't want to hurt either of them the longer you let them both hang on the more hurt one of them will get when you let them go. Also, right now you aren't together with either girl so it isn't like you are breaking up with either of them. That is the best advice I can give, sorry.

[Guido]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (Shorty43 @ Jan. 27 2003,11:35)]What exactly is your current situation with your ex?

Shorty - everything there is to know about Rick's ex is in the Saving My Relationship topic.

Rick - don't do the rebound thing. You don't need to do anything right now, except be a friend to the new girl, and leave the old one well alone. Let the new friendship develop at it's own pace - it doesn't sound like she is going anywhere else real soon, so chill!

[?wiseman?]

Rick, I'm with Guido on this. I still think you need to cut off ties to your Ex for awhile, but you don't want a rebound relationship.

There's nothing wrong with building a "friendship" with "Cara", but I would recommend a couple things:

1. Be up front that you're coming out of a very difficult relationship and don't really know where it will go if anywhere at all. But, don't get into great lengths about all of the problems you're having with the Ex. If Cara truely does have strong feelings for you, she'll not want to spend alot of time talking about the Ex.

2. Don't lead her on. Sounds like you're pretty well in that mindset already since you don't want to hurt her.

3. Do not use this new friendship to tweek your ex. That would be a lose-lose situation.

If I recall, your Ex was your "first everything." I think it would do you some good to develop a friendship with "Cara" and bring a little freshness to your relationship perspectives.

[xx22xx]

I don't know if you've ever heard someone being used as a rebound. I think that's what might happen if you get with Cara…you’re just attracted to her because you just got out of another relationship.

Since you care about everyone’s feelings, (which is GREAT!) You should take the advice that has been given. Spend more time on friendship with Cara, and don’t worry about Jane. But that doesn’t mean you should, or have to forget about her…take it as a learning experience.

And yes, make sure Cara knows everything that happened with Jane, and when it was so she knows what you’re feeling, and what she could be getting herself into…as you said she’s scared, so help her.

As tempting as it is, don’t shove it in Jane’s face…it will most likely get her jealous if you don’t mention it.

Come back with an update!

[Rick 3204]

Omg this is SUCH BULLSHI*!!!!!!!!!!! I just found out Cara lives in Arizona......................................... Im not officially loveable in Illinois ARGHHHHHHHHH I CANNOT do another LD relationship! But I dont want to hurt her ><. I told Jane about this girl and she said that maybe I should try and stuff and said "Im your first" explore your options........ WTF now Im not even upset just angry.

[ItalStall]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]Omg this is SUCH BULLSHI*!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I have to agree with you on at least one thing - your first sentence! I posted once on the first part of this saga against my better judgement! I think I should have stuck to my first impression.

Rick - are you seriously telling us that:

- after expressing your undying love just a week ago for Girl A, you are now angry about a second Girl B? (Because she won't go out with you!? Because A thinks you should go out with B? Because B wants to have an alien love-child with Michael Jackson?? ... not real clear on that one!)

- you have met B only online? (it seems like that's what you are now saying) ... and it never occurred to you that maybe she didn't live just around the corner? Hmmm ...

- that you were actually *silly* (fill in your own word) enough to discuss B with A, and then listen to her advice (after all you say she has put you through)?

Enough already! Either you have the most mixed-up, soap-opera of a love-life since Clinton defined "sexual relations", or you are having a lot of perverse fun at the expense of the members of this Board. If it is the former, you obviously have no intention of taking anyone's advice, so I won't offer any. I hope it is not the latter - for that is an abuse of peoples' caring nature!

Either way ... it's "adios" from this guy! It's not that I don't care enough to want to help you sort this out, but a person can only help someone who wants to help themselves! Harsh words - but true ...

[?wiseman?]

Sage words and advice from my "old man" bretheren.

[Rick 3204]

No its ok Im not considering a relationship with the girl from arizona at all I just found it to be funny. I told my ex about her to just let her know so she doesnt think "oh god hes cheatting blah" because Caras friend HATES Jane with a passion. Dont worry I am taking your advice, I may not act like it but I am. I have broken it off 100% with Jane and Cara will remain a friend nothing more. I dont even have feelings for her other than that, I am not that messed up. I dont love Cara in any way at all. I know Im acting very unintelligeble but I assure you Im not taking that road out.

1. I have broken it off with Jane 100%
2. Nothing can or will happen with Cara and I dont want anything to happen.
3. Im using the advice you guys have given me to go from a basket case to almost not caring right now.
I just felt it was funny that oh wow a girl likes me in arizona. It was meant more as a joke but I guess I expressed it too extremely. Sorry guys

[?wiseman?]

Nothing to apologize for Rick. Just stay the course and things will sort themselves out.