when are you ready for kids?

[RedRoses]

Dear Raunchy Gal,
It actually contributes to a bit of reflection to read this thread again. Although I must say it's painful; as rather recently I was sure we were going to have a baby, which ended in early miscarriage... I also realize that in the light of my late posting combined with this old thread, I may be at risk of being called someone that "set him up". But that is not so! I simply can't do anything to hurt him. I love him with all my heart. Our situation is complicated... and yes: probably it is a bit sad.

I'm so sorry for how your husband mistreated you and the way your children came into this world, dear RG. I'm happy for you that they turned out to be unexpected gifts and have become your motivation in loving life. I admire your positive attitude!

[EvilEvilKitten]

Wanting a child or children is a desire shared by both men and women - but at different times in their lives. Those who are adopted or have grown to adulthood without loving parents often want children even more. The idea of leaving a legacy, of "bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh", is a powerful natural desire. Unfortunately, not all such desires are fulfilled and the effect can destroy.

But no one is ever ready for children.

The emotional impact is overwhelming. You could discover feelings you never knew you had or dreamed you'd be capable of feeling.

I discovered that I'd cheerfully and without any remorse slaughter everyone else on the planet to spare my children a moment's anxiety. The ferocity took even me by surprise.

[raunchy gal]

Yes EEK, I love my children with such unconditional love that whatever they do to hurt myself and others i would forgive in a heart beat.I put their needs before i even consider my own.Nothing is more ferocious than a mother lion protecting her cubs.

[EvilEvilKitten]

WRONG, RG - you never permit your children to hurt you - EVER!

Permitting violence, physical or emotional, is not permitted within the family unit and permitted outside under strict conditions - self-defence or in defence of the defenceless.

Mothers must rule therefore forgiveness is not guaranteed.

Do I forgive mine? After a lecture they will never forget and a suitable punishment and penance - yes - in time. But they have to work to get it. I love them but they have to toe my line - not I their's.

[RedRoses]

I'd expect myself to be a true lion whenever I have kids one day Even the feeling of being pregnant made me feel a very powerful strength, allthough circumstances were far from ok. I would have fought for it! It would have had my deepest love. Would have provided it with a safe and loving home. Nothing in this world would have stopped me!

And EEK is right, dear Raunchy! Being their mother does not permit your children to hurt you! Familybond is powerful. Powerful enough to overcome and forgive things you probably won't with another. But it also requires that you have a good talk whenever things go wrong. And because it's family, the love usually withstands any fight. Off course people make mistakes and misbehave, esp children who are learning. I think that a parent should teach the child how it's behavior should change. But you still love him/her as a person, as your son or daughter. That it won't be cast out of the family, whenever it does something against their "standards". Off course there may be exceptions when it's really too much. And there comes a time when "raising" and "educating" stops. Maybe that's one of the hardest things to do when being a parent? To accept that you're children have grown up and become adults? That you share a warm bond, that they may come back to you for guidance, but there's not much "training" anymore?

Yet: I also know that everything can break and get ruined... I must admit that I find the relationship with my mom difficult. Even though it used to be great before. All I do is trying to show her I love her, yet she claims I hurt her, that I neglect her... I really don't mean to hurt her! This goes on and on to a point that I really don't know what to do and she has drained all my energy. My mom is so sad and scared, not the strong woman she used to be. It really breaks my heart. She's so disappointed... even though others have (literally) told me they're so proud. She usually displays her grief by insulting me, throwing everything at me that she knows will hurt me bad. Any secret she knows she will use to slam it back in my face. Which is very sad to see; she used to be the one I trusted with my life! I'm afraid it will never be ok between us again... And in a way I have the fear that one day I'll look in the mirror and have become like her... Shaking of the fear again, cause you'll never know what the future will bring, so better look at it open-minded

[Brandye]

This is one of the most poignant and insightful threads ever posted here and certainly addresses the key element of sex - children. From the perspective of one who decided early that I would have no children, and am now beyond the biological threshhold, I have found it touching and instructive. I wanted no children of my own. My fiance stated the same and we had great plans to live our lives in the Third World caring for others. His death intervened and I shall never know if we would have changed our plans and had children. No one I have met since has caused me to reconsider, and my preference for life partners reverted to other women.

Now, I shall never have children and, for now, am quite comfortable with that. In their stead there have been a series (new one right now) of professional challenges that fulfill my need for mothering.

As a crass restatement of RedRoses "dreams replacing dreams," I have decided that all truly major life decisions are accidents! Including one being faced right now. They have each turned out to open new doors, while closing a few others. Sometimes I wish I had a daughter to pass ideas on to; sometimes I am glad that I do not. Age has not made anything clearer for me.

[EvilEvilKitten]

One thing, and only one thing, is required to keep a family strong over time, over distance and over generations: Never let anyone doubt that they are loved.

Oh yes, you will disagree, argue, fuss, and contact may diminish etc. - but as long as that love runs as lifeblood - the family will remain strong, happy and healthy.

[CollierAlda1]

I do not want any kids for long time,