My girlfriend and I have a complicated problem. Our relationship is great - except for the physical aspect. We've been together six months, and started "fooling around" about 2 months in. We're both in our mid-20's.
The root of the problem is some issues she has from past relationships. She's not comfortable with performing oral, because of some controlling and demanding ex-boyfriends (as is my understanding of the situation). Well, of course it just so happens that oral is pretty much my favorite thing ever. If she was simply not willing to do this act, that would be a bummer, but acceptable. The real trouble, at least for me, is that she would do it for some really bad guys (seriously) but now that she's with a nice guy she isn't comfortable with it.
We're not ready for vaginal sex, so that's not a factor.
This leaves us in an awkward position. I don't mind performing on her, and she orgasms fairly easily - everything is as it should be there. But the truth is I have started to lose some interest in the handjobs she offers in return. They are fun, yes - but ultimately not incredibly satisfying. This is no fault of hers; it's just that I have a hand too, you know?
When I dwell on the issue of her not willing to perform oral, it becomes a fairly serious frustration for me. I don't pressure her on the issue or anything; we've talked about it a lot, and it seems to me she will probably never get over it. At least thinking that way makes it easier on me, rather than wondering if maybe this will be the week.
So our current situation is that I take care of her when she wishes, but decline anything in return. By just taking care of myself frequently, my sex drive is super low - so I don't bother stressing about the problems of our physical relationship. This has been the situation for a month or two, but now she says she feels bad about receiving without giving, and feels I'm disinterested, etc. Well, it's true that I'm currently disinterested, but only because I've made myself that way because I don't know how to properly deal with her issues.
Any advice on this crazy situation? Thanks in advance.
she must get over her past relationships before she does anything with you, which may take time, maybe more than you are willing to allow her. my advice is to make sure she knows exactly how you feel about the situation then leave the topic alone for a while to see if there are any changes.
maybe you could spice up handjobs with different techniques and some lube or something else. the woman im with now can give a better handjob than my ex-girlfriend could do a blowjob, and ive never heard of a "bad blowjob" ( unless there was teeth involved...), so suggest some new things to her and have her read up on pleasing with a handjob.
I can understand your frustrations but don't look at it as like, oh she gave her ex's BJs, but she won't give me one!!!!
You said the only reason she gave them ones was b/c they were controlling... who knows what they did... did they force her?!? or guilt her into doing it??
i was where your girlfrend is at. And it took me almost a yr to feel comfortable to go down on a guy. Luckily my bf isnt too fond of them but i really wanted to be able to share that with him. So i worked on my issues. She will need time, and you will need to be understanding. Make her feel wanted but without pressuring her.
[QUOTE=stormyxoasis;176923]for me, i enjoyed giving head, but i didnt enjoy the emotional feeling that i accompanied with the act because of my past. Thats probably her problem...not the act of doing it and certainly not you.[/QUOTE]
That makes a lot of sense. What did you do to fix that? Just a matter of time? Was there some grand realization that your new guy wasn't like the old?
What were you two doing in the meantime? Not being physical, or just other activities? Any advice on the immediate situation she and I are in, where I am just taking care of her?
Thanks for the feedback, everyone. : )
--
Yeah, I tried a little bit to spice up the handjobs, but it hasn't helped much... they're just not that exciting when it's pretty much all that's on offer.
She wasn't exactly forced in the past... my understanding is that it was simply understood in their relationship that she was expected to service him routinely, and then was to be little or nothing given in return. She said she never even had an orgasm before she was with me.
I am definitely not pressuring her... as I said, I've kind of accepted that it's just not something she's ever going to do. She says, though, that she has no problem with the act itself. Which I guess kind of means it's just a problem with me. Nice guys finish last, right? At least that's how my brain treats it, which is why I've been trying not to dwell on the topic.
If she gets over her issues, awesome - but I'm not going to leave her because won't give head.
Still, it is making our physical relationship difficult. Some of our friends suggest we stop physical activity altogether until she gets over her issues, but I'm against that because then I'll feel like I've kind of said, "Hey, no more for you until you take care of me the way I'd like." I don't want to be like that, and I really don't mind taking care of her with nothing in return. But that is starting to bother her.
Hmmm maybe it's just b/c the act itself it linked to a very degrading person. I mean to tell someone they are expected to service him routinely..w/ nothing in return?!?...yea whatever...ok he'd been out the door a long time ago.
[QUOTE]Still, it is making our physical relationship difficult. Some of our friends suggest we stop physical activity altogether until she gets over her issues, but I'm against that because then I'll feel like I've kind of said, "Hey, no more for you until you take care of me the way I'd like." I don't want to be like that, and I really don't mind taking care of her with nothing in return. But that is starting to bother her.
[/QUOTE]
If its starting to bother her as well...then there is nothing wrong w/ mutually deciding to slow things down a bit... maybe you 2 moved to a more physical relationship before she was ready...even though she might have thought she was over that past crap.
[QUOTE]I am definitely not pressuring her... as I said, I've kind of accepted that it's just not something she's ever going to do. She says, though, that she has no problem with the act itself. Which I guess kind of means it's just a problem with me.[/QUOTE]
It's an issue she has to work out... it's her problem.. don't try to make it about yourself. That's your insecurities showing through... and she has plenty too.
for me, i enjoyed giving head, but i didnt enjoy the emotional feeling that i accompanied with the act because of my past. Thats probably her problem...not the act of doing it and certainly not you.
I sympathize with your situation.
I'd guess that cleansing one's self of past *******s is very similar to having an orgasm in that YOU have to make it for yourself, and your partner is only there to help.
It sounds like she has a lot of work to do. You should be supportive, but don't stress out too much, because it's her who needs to reconcile her emotions.
Actually, others will probably disagree, but I'd suggest you keep doing what you're doing. Give her oral sex, be supportive and caring to her, and hopefully one day she'll just want to return the favor. It could happen.
Sounds like you're a nice guy, so no problem, right?
[QUOTE=MrSparkle;176934]That makes a lot of sense. What did you do to fix that? Just a matter of time? Was there some grand realization that your new guy wasn't like the old?
What were you two doing in the meantime? Not being physical, or just other activities? Any advice on the immediate situation she and I are in, where I am just taking care of her?[/QUOTE]
mostly it did take time, mostly i had to make i concious effort to imagine me with my boyfriend instead of the past situations. We were having sex, so it was a good distracation. She will have to work on her own issues and you will need to learn how to be satisfied with what yall DO share. And it will come in time. When shes ready.
Hmm. So do you recommend, as Ephemera suggests, that we continue as is?
Or by learning to be satisfied by what we do have, do you mean accepting the handjobs, or being satisfied with the one-sided situation?
I've shared this thread with her, by the way, so feel free to address something to her if you like. I don't know if she'd post a reply, though, hehe.
[QUOTE=MrSparkle;176797]I don't mind performing on her, and she orgasms fairly easily - everything is as it should be there. But the truth is I have started to lose some interest in the handjobs she offers in return. They are fun, yes - but ultimately not incredibly satisfying. This is no fault of hers; it's just that I have a hand too, you know?[/QUOTE]
How Do I Get Him/Her to Orgasm From a Hand/Blow Job?
[QUOTE]So our current situation is that I take care of her when she wishes, but decline anything in return. [/QUOTE]
What do you decline? An open invitation to make love, or, to receive a hand job?
If the former, this is akin to childish retaliation and won't get you what you ultimately desire. If the latter, then your hand needs to guide and train hers as described in the link, above.
[QUOTE]now she says she feels bad about receiving without giving, and feels I'm disinterested, etc. Well, it's true that I'm currently disinterested, but only because I've made myself that way because I don't know how to properly deal with her issues.[/QUOTE]
It is a good thing that the two of you are talking about the how-tos of making out. I am concerned about the fact that your discussions have not gotten the two of you anywhere. This leads me to believe that you may be talking about feelings rather than issues. Her statement about feeling badly about not reciprocating your "favors" is actually a positive signal. Sounds to me like she would like to IF she knew you would not critique or be critical or exhibit some other negative reaction. In this she needs your reassurance that while you may offer guidence and feedback, your reactions will be positive, even while she is learning how to mimic your movements and occassionally not doing it exactly correct. There is a difference between being positive reinforcement even with errors, and, knocking her efforts when they are not quite right. So, while she intellectually understands that you are one of the good guys, she needs to logically come to this in terms of her confidence in you and you can help her by your help and positive attitude when she finally does take the "matter" into her own hand, so to speak. Am I making myself clear on this even with the metaphors?
I recommend that the she also read the information in the link. If she is willing to participate and to learn, then follow the directions and give her plenty of positive feedback on how you are reacting to what she is doing. If you need to make some changes to her technique, do so in a loving and constructive way that won't be misinturpreted as a put-down by her. The more she sees that you like what she is doing and the more you give her kudos, the liklihood is the more she is going to want to do this; also, the more turned on she is likely to become as a participant in all this.
I have tried to guide a bit with my own techniques, but... it has helped, but not enough that she can make me orgasm with her hand. I end up taking over. I am not distressed by this.
I've told her and she believes me that it isn't about her skill with regards to oral. I've even said it'd be fun to teach her, if her skills are lacking there. (It would be.)
I'm not really sure what you mean with your question, I suppose. I certainly don't decline being physical with her, although I don't really initiate anything anymore... I just decline the handjob in return. It seems a lot easier for me to disregard the issue when she does nothing for me, rather than just the handjob. This way I take care of myself freely and don't much think on it.
Maybe that's a selfish way to do it, but it doesn't seem like I can do anything to fix her issue. I've more or less given up and am now just trying to figure out how to make both of us physically happy given the situation. I was content with just taking care of her, but she no longer is.
Well, we have decided that things will continue as is for now. I'll take care of her and that will be that. She's going to do her best to get over feeling bad about the one-sided nature of things, and perhaps someday she'll get over the main issue.
Thanks a lot for the input, everyone. I'll stop by this thread in a few weeks with an update. : )