I am dating a girl and have recently become sexually active with her. She's told me that she's never had an orgasm before. Not with any previous partners, nor has she been able to give herself one. I tell her not to be so goal oriented and just enjoy herself, if it happens, great, if not it still felt good.
I think that my jaw has never felt so abused in my entire life for all the work I've been doing. She says the sensitivity of her clit builds and builds until finally giving way to a brief but intense sensation of 'needing to pee'. The same is the case when I go down on her. It feels by her body that she is having an orgasm, or close, her muscles contract and tighten until finally they let go. There doesn't seem to be a real sense of release or 'finish'.
I am just hoping someone might have some idea what is going on that can help. I've encouraged her to be free and totally comfortable with whatever happens.
> She said that it felt better having someone else do it as the pleasure was more intense.
Oh! of course it does when we have a "connection" with the other person. Masturbation is great as far as it goes, however, when we are in our lover's arms and there is a connection of the psyches along with the pheromones that are in the air, the levels of arousal, tension, and, anticipation, attain much greater intensities--not to mention the resulting climax.
> She has shown me how she masturbates exactly by both demonstrating for me and guiding my hand.
Your girlfriend is very astute and progressive. Lucky you.
> While I agree she needs to explore herself more, the topic of her hymen has really been moot for quite some time.
Understood. I only broached the matter because at some future date, having an understanding of its construction will help make opening it much less traumatic.
> Is it impossible for us to discover her orgasms together? We're very open and communicative. It would be great to work on together.
Of course you can work together. Relationships are partnerships and making love is best done by learning from and teaching each other.
> Any ideas or feedback would be most appreciated.
Her ability to climax seems to be your top priority. She can work on this when she is alone, and, the two of you can work together and include verbal or non-verbal feedback to help her push beyond the urge to pee. Make sure her bladder is empty before making out and then just resist the urge to stop prematurely. When that false signal happens, this is the time to continue the stimulation and modulate it, perhaps increasing the tempo, or not, whatever seems to work for her in the moment. This is where the feedback part of your communication is most helpful. Once she discovers that she won't loose control and pee, she will be more free to let the orgasm happen. Even on the off chance she should dribble a little, it is no big deal, but she probably never will.
Your role is beneficial when with her because if you are stimulating her you will be less apt to stop when she thinks she will have an accident. She may fight "you" or rather that false signal, initially, yet if you do not stop she has little choice but to let things build--and build they will. Soon her focus will narrow and her attention will be exclusively on her approaching orgasm and along with this will be a damn the torpedos attitude so the thought of an accident will become less of a concern as the importance of reaching a climax increases.
Feel free to ask questions for you know what is important or of concern to you. Posting questions in search of knowledge is the "why" of this and other forums. Those of us wishing to reply would rather address specific concerns rather than wasting bandwidth with information that may or may not be of interest to the poster.
doc2
Thank you for the prompt and very astute reply. It is most appreciated.
Her habits regarding masturbation are quite infrequent. She said she'd only first started this spring and since Sept. she's masturbated perhaps 10 times. She described having the same sensation of the necessity to urinate when exploring herself alone. She said that it felt better having someone else do it as the pleasure was more intense.
She has shown me how she masturbates exactly by both demonstrating for me and guiding my hand.
While I agree she needs to explore herself more, the topic of her hymen has really been moot for quite some time.
My comment regarding a sore jaw was made mostly in jest and was largely facetious, though I do appreciate the advice.
Is it impossible for us to discover her orgasms together? We're very open and communicative. It would be great to work on together. Any ideas or feedback would be most appreciated.
Thank you again for your sincere and informative reply.
> She's told me that she's never had an orgasm before. Not with any previous partners, nor has she been able to give herself one. I tell her not to be so goal oriented and just enjoy herself, if it happens, great, if not it still felt good.
Your recommendation to enjoy herself is a good one, however, it is important for both of you to know and understand that we do not give orgasms away to our partner. All any of us can do is to help her/him achieve their own. For this to happen, each of us, man and woman, must learn to masturbate reliably and consistently--first and foremost. Once we can then we can teach our partner how to help bring about our orgasms.
> She says the sensitivity of her clit builds and builds until finally giving way to a brief but intense sensation of 'needing to pee'. The same is the case when I go down on her. It feels by her body that she is having an orgasm, or close, her muscles contract and tighten until finally they let go. There doesn't seem to be a real sense of release or 'finish'.
Her assessment is very typical of every pre-orgasmic man and woman. The urge to pee is a false signal, particularly if the bladder is empty.
Boys pretty much learn to masturbate matter of factly right out of puberty and have an established pattern in place within days. Girls often masturbate at a later age and then not nearly as frequently, if at all. Learning to masturbate for these individuals becomes more of a conscious effort, yet it must be learned if they are to enjoy orgasms sooner than later. Encourage her to devote some private time over the next week or so and to learn to masturbate.**
What she must do when masturbating is to push through the urge to pee. It will soon go away as she reaches the trigger point of her orgasm. Eventually, and with some successes behind her, that false urgency will disappear forever. (She can test the validity of this fact by simply emptying her bladder prior to masturbating--or messing around with you.)
> I think that my jaw has never felt so abused in my entire life for all the work I've been doing.
Perhaps you can recall how tired your wrist and arm quickly became when you were first learning to masturbate. The muscles were being called upon to perform in new ways that they were not used to, the same holds true for your jaw. Try relaxing your mouth and jaw when stimulating her orally.
> I am just hoping someone might have some idea what is going on that can help. I've encouraged her to be free and totally comfortable with whatever happens.
Asked and answered. Your encouragement is right on point.
** As for your girl friend's part in all this, encourage her to find some time during the day or night when she can be alone and not be disurbed. She should become familiar with her private parts by looking at them with a hand mirror. She should know what things look like and where they are located. (This also includes her hymen for when the day comes to open it, she should know how it is constructed in order to make the procedure easier.)
Over the course of several days, she should recline on the bed and allow her fingers to caress her body. As her levels of arousal and excitement build she should try different finger movements and pressures, learning what works best and then recalling these movements, rhythms, and pressures, for use in future sessions.
As noted, above, once she learns to ignore and push through the false sense of urgency, then future orgasms will be easier to achieve and enjoy. Once she can bring about her own orgasms as a result of masturbation, she can then teach you how to mimic her movements.
Encourage her to demonstrate how she masturbates, and then, to guide your fingers with her hand in order for you to learn the specific movements and pressures that are unique to her.
I hope this is of help. Got questions?